The Evolutionist's Genesis

In the beginning everything was formless and a condensed ball of matter floated in the not yet existent void of space. And yea this matter simply was, as there was no Creator as was promoted by the shameful heathen religionists in order to dull man's mind. Suddenly this matter exploded and from it the universe formed, not magically but scientifically. After some time this matter began to swirl around and randomly formed the stars and rocks came together randomly and formed the planets neither on their own free will nor by the hand of any outside force. And, hark! In the void of the system that was later dubbed the Solar System a planet did form on its own. This planet was eventually named "Earth" by its rational inhabitants.

The Earth did exist for several billion years and in the course of this time the land and waters formed. One day, a great bolt of lightning randomly struck a pond and life was formed! However, this was not a miracle because miracles do not exist; it simply happened on its own! From this single piece of bacteria more advanced life forms grew and within time the bacteria began to split and over time evolved on their own will to survive into advanced creatures, including fish. One day, a fish decided to leave his home in the ocean and walk on to land, and behold, the first land animal evolved! As time went on, these animals evolved even further and became lizards, birds, and mammals.

One branch of mammals began to walk on their own two legs and became more and more intelligent until one day the first human was born out of this ape race. This miracle child, immaculately conceived by the hand of evolution, would go on to found a new, intelligent, rational species. Unfortunately, the new species would not use the power of their reason and came to believe in God, thus they were driven out of their edenic state by their own irrationality and condemned to toil under the sun for their transgression by the hand of nature. As time went on, evil men such as Abraham, Muhammad, Jesus, Paul, Buddha, Zoroaster, and Charles Manson came about claiming that this non-existent God spoke to them in order that they might control humanity so that they would honor them as gods and prophets. The most evil of these men was Paul of Tarsus, who left a successful career as a persecutor of Christians to join with them in spreading their vile doctrines across all of Europe only to cripple the minds of Western man for nearly two millenia.

After eons of suffering, a few bold prophets stepped forth and set man on the right path. The glorious Charles Darwin published his theory of evolution in 1859, and behold, it was good. By using Darwin's observations on the beaks of finches on the Galapagos Islands, scientists were later able to conclude that man evolved from apes in a lineage that goes back the very same bacteria who were formed by that random lightning bolt billions of years ago. Other great prophets arose and contributed things such as the Big Bang theory, which was revealed to them via their divinely evolved rational minds. Through all their scientific inquiry and the divine providence of Carbon 14 and the Hubble space telescope, these prophets proved beyond a reasonable doubt that the world and all the life within it formed on its own without the hand of God. Because of the work of great missionaries such as St. Richard Dawkins and St. Christopher Hitchens the people were finally able to hear the secular gospel.

Unfortunately, evil men have risen up to challenge the sacred secular truths and to poison the minds of the children against atheism and evolution! How dare they mock the holy name of Darwin by demanding that ideas other than evolution be discussed openly in schools? The religionists even work to poison the mind of the righteous, including Anthony Flew, an atheist prophet who turned against his previous views. They seek to turn the masses against evolution with their wicked heresies, to destroy all that is rational within the mind of man! Woe unto ye o religionists! The judgment of evolution shall fall upon you! You shall lose all academic berths, you shall be mocked and derided in the media, we shall round up parents who abuse their children by teaching them these wicked doctrines of creationism and intelligent design. In due time we shall establish the ungodly kingdom upon the Earth, and man shall dwell in happiness on that great rational city on a hill for ever and ever. Amen.