The Face of Bordeline Personality Disorder (Part 4)

Borderline patients often are plagued by long, lingering feelings of emptiness. During these periods, they are extremely difficult to motivate, they become very introverted, and they suffer from long intervals of low grade depression. This sense of emptiness, explains Helen's BPD Resources, is often confused with clinical depression or plain boredom and laziness. These periods often occur during periods of unemployment or at times between intimate relationships. Sometimes borderline lethargy occurs during intimate relationships, when the period of idealization is over. People suffering from BPD frequently experience intense relationships that are characterized by alternating periods of idealization and devaluation. Strangely, borderline patients are unable to relax, to enjoy creative downtime. Because they cannot find means of fulfillment in themselves, they often look for external factors to fill the void. Borderliners are often obsessed with acquiring things.

Because the depression is of a low grade, I often don't even notice it until it's symptoms become severe or its constant workings have worn down my resistance. I therefore struggle hard to monitor my feelings.

Borderline patients are often seen as disingenuous, because they do not share their feelings candidly. They always seem to monitor their feelings, allowing others to only see what they want them to. This constant self-monitoring is actually a necessary survival mechanism. To a borderline patient, feelings are like a car without brakes. Without constant monitoring, people with BPD can be euphoric one moment, suicidal the next, and violently aggressive yet another moment.

BPD periods of lethargy are not happy, lazy times. In my case, they are periods of internal emptiness, hollowness. They are so oppressive, that even simple things like getting out of bed and taking care of personal hygiene feel like humongous undertakings. During these times, I feel like I am walking through a world of jelly: every step, every movement seems to be met with resistance; thoughts, words, and sentences refuse to manifest themselves, and the simple act of writing becomes an unmanageable chore.

Borderline lethargy and dysphoria (low grade depression) become especially counterproductive during periods of unemployment and underemployment. A normal person who is unemployed work hard to find a job. A person who is working for less money than he feels he is worth would look for a job that pays better. I can mope and whine for weeks. I'll wear out my wife's patience and my friends' welcome. When that no longer works, I'll settle for the first job I can land, no matter how low the pay.

The time between relationships is a time to self-reflect, and any relationship has a "post-honeymoon" phase, when the hard work of becoming a loving partner commences. Borderline patients, however live in a black and white world. Either they are on top of the world, because they are part of the best relationship possible, or they are lonely and forsaken by the world. If they are in a relationship, their partner is either placed on a pedestal to be worshipped, or he or she becomes an object of contempt under the BPD's critical personality microscope. Borderline patients never acquired the means to bridge that gap between living on the edge and living in balance. Because, when untreated, they do not have the means to cope, inaction and self-loathing become viable mechanisms.

It is ironic that borderline patients do not have the ability to relax. My moments of "downtime" are characterized by long spells of frantic pacing about rooms, through hallways, up and down stairwells. Or they are spent dwelling on things I should be doing, great things that could make me successful or even change the world, if only I knew where to begin. I should be looking for a better job. I should focus more on my writing. I should at least clean my apartment. But the borderline mind lives in the world of what should be and not what is; bridging the gap between thought and action is a difficult task.

Borderline emptiness is a terrible thing. It is an immense void, dark and cold. It is a never ending, gnawing hunger for a sense of self. Borderline patients cannot find it within. They seek external means of self-fulfillment, and many BPD sufferers become obsessed with acquiring things.

I may become excited about a project, but the things needed to complete the project become more important than the project itself. For example I would consider it a necessity to spend a thousand dollars on power tools for a project I'd wait weeks to begin. When I started my copywriting business, my first step was not to seek clients or call advertising agencies. I purchased office equipment: a new PC, a PDA, a cell phone, and so forth. When I became involved in podcasting, it was essential to have a state of the art podcasting studio, which included studio microphones, a sound mixer, and a $500 box for recording telephone interviews.

I didn't begin to embark on the path to healing until I lost most of my material possessions. Gone is the house in the suburbs. And my dreams of becoming an internet celebrity have made way for a retail industry job. By rights, I should be miserable. Those who know me, however, have observed that I appear much more at peace.