The Face of Men Abused by Women
HRES 590 - Another Slap in the Face of Abused Men
The organization RADAR (Respecting Accuracy in Domestic Abuse Reporting) did an analysis of HRES 590 and found eighteen errors. There is no mention of male victims in HRES 590 whatsoever.
Steven, 61, of northern California told me about the day he left his female abuser fifteen years ago. He said, "I told myself that if it happened again I would let her hit me, to show her that it wasn't me, holding her arms, leaving a bruise, so she could say we fought." They were riding in the car and she was agitated. In an attempt to avoid a confrontation he was being careful how he spoke.
This made her even angrier. He described what happened next, "We stopped in her church parking lot, and she slammed her fist, like a hammer, into my face. I thought one hit would do it, maybe two. It was four or five."
He continued, "She went into the church and I knew, after all the years, it was over. I sat in the car, in the dark, with tears. I starting getting cold and could taste blood. A half hour passed. I thought she would come out crying and apologize. She didn't."
"When she did come out of the church she said, 'well, this time you can say I left marks.' She had always denied it before," he said. Steven went to the local safe house, yet after he told the directors what had happened and they saw his split lip and black eye, "they just looked at each other blankly."
Steven is an ex-cop, a tough guy who lifted weights. He said, "Well, I am a tough guy, but they didn't know I was suicidal. I taught self-defense. They knew I could kick her ass. They didn't know that if you love someone you don't, even if you are a man."
Steven told me that to be treated as if because you are a man you must have had it coming, and dealing with all the other issues is too much for some men. He explained, "I am the same man who worked with teen girls and boys in two different treatment facilities, wiping away tears, hearing sad stories, taking them to the gym and teaching them to set goals. I am the same guy who worked two years with senior citizens, cleaning drool and dancing with them."
"I am not perfect, but I am kind. To be going through a suicidal period, dealing with untreated PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and the loss of a lover who was abusive, then to be treated so coldly, while parenting two young kids most of the time as a single father, and to be treated as if the only possibility was that 'I had it coming' almost pushed me over the edge," he said.
Steven said he knows some people will think he's weak, and he wants them to know after years of abuse at the hands of his mother, it was all he knew. He said he is now happily married to a wonderful woman.
He added, "Men's hearts and feelings are like women's hearts and feelings. They feel the same. It doesn't matter if that heart is covered with muscles or breasts, the pain cuts deeply and the losses crowd in. And it doesn't matter if the world thinks men don't feel. You still hurt."
For more facts on domestic violence, see Media Radar.
Published by teri c stoddard
Family rights and equal parenting advocate. View profile
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11 Comments
Post a Commentsince only women are protected by the law against violence. Well, if those Congresswomen (and men) want to make the Violence against Women law even stronger, they could create subhuman cathegory of husband/father/partner that does not have any legal rights and has obligation to work and give money to women sometimes leaving something to eat for himself. That is exactly how the Slave owner's empires started.
My wife attacked children while I was on the job. When depueties came their first question was "Where is father, he is the one who should have done it" Even after they learned that I am still on my job and it is more than 70 miles away they starte inquire if I have access to the plane (!). Finally they arrested her and she told deputies that even though she attacked me before (I had a concussion protecting our children two weeks before) they could not do anything against her since only women protected against violence. She happened to be right. She was released four hours later. Murder attempt charges were downgraded to child abuse then to assault and battery. She was convicted and I was ordered to pay for her rehabilitation even though we were in the divorce. Then she received custody of the children, but refused to accept the custody fir the older daughter "because she is going to protect younger siblings" and then (she is on probation!) the judge ordered monitoring visitation for me
THERE SHOULD CERTAINLY BE A SUPPORT SYSTEM AVAILABLE FOR ABUSED MEN. THERE SHOULD BE SAFE HOUSES, THESE ABUSIVE WOMEN SHOULD BE PROSECUTED AND SENT TO PRISON. THE MEN SHOULD BE ABLED TO TAKE THEIR CHILDREN AND RECIEVE FINANCIAL SUPPORT JUST LIKE WOMEN OFTEN DO. I KNOW THESE THING FIRST HAND BECAUSE MY FATHER WAS A VICTIM AS WELL AS MYSELF AND BY WORKING WITH BATTERED AND ABUSED CHILDREN AND WOMEN. MEN PAY TAXES AND SHOULD BE ABLED TO REAP THE BENEFITS. THESE MEN HAVE TO SUFFER IN SILENCE, OR TURN TO DRUGS AND ALCOHOL. I USED TO WAKE UP AS A CHILD AND HEAR MY MOTHER CALLING MY FATHER THE MOST TERRIBLE NAMES. THIS WAS ALSO DONE IN PUBLIC, MOTHER SUFFERED FROM AN INFERIORITY COMPLEX AND LOW SELF ESTEEM. I SUFFERED GREATLY BECAUSE I HAD ALWAYS SIDED WITH MY FATHER I WAS A DADDYGIRL. I HAVE WATCHED HIM BEING CUT BURNED AND THROWN IN THE BASEMENT. MY FATHER TURNED TO ALCOHOL AND WOMEN, WOMEN THAT MADE HIM FEEL ALIVE AND LIKE A MAN.
IT IS VERY UNFAIR FOR TAXPAYERS TO SUPPORT DOMESTIC VIOLENT PROGRAMS FOR WOMEN ONLY. I WORKED FOR A DOMESTIC VIOLENT ORGANIZATION, AND ALL THEY CARED ABOUT WAS WHAT THE WOMAN HAD TO SAY ABOUT THE MAN. I USED TO WRITE UP PETITIONS AND TAKE THE MEN TO COURT JUST ON LIES THAT THESE WOMEN WAS TELLING. I BEGAN CONTACTING THE MEN TO GET THEIR SIDE OF THE STORY AND I DISCOVERED THAT THE MAJORITY OF THESE WOMEN WERE LYING ON THE MEN. I ALSO BEGAN WORKING UNDERCOVER WITH THE MEN ATTORNEYS TO SAVE THESE MEN FROM CONVICTION, FINANCIAL LOSS AND THE LOST OF THEIR CHILDREN. MANY OF THESE WOMEN HAD SELFISH MOTIVES, SOME TO GET RID OF THEIR MEN OR TO GET MORE PUBLIC RELIEF. THE ONES THAT WERE TRULY BEING ABUSED OFTEN DID NOT WANT TO PRESS CHARGES AND ONLY WANTED TO TALK ABOUT THEIR PROBLEMS.
I MET THIS VERY HANDSOME AND KIND MAN RECENTLY. I AM A LOT OLDER THAN HE IS AND I THOUGHT THAT HE HAD JUST NOTICED ME. I HAD SEEN HIM FOR ABOUT A YEAR AND ALWAYS SAID TO MYSELF (WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MAN) HE THOUGHT THAT I WOULD NEVER TALK TO HIM BECAUSE OF MY LOOKS AND HOW I WAS. HE WAS ALWAYS TRYING TO MAKE A DOLLAR WHENEVER I SAW HIM. WHEN HE CAME TO VISIT ME HE WAS VERY SHY , WITHDRAWN AND WOULD CRY OFTEN. LATER I DISCOVERED THAT HE WAS IN A A DRUG REHAB. I BEGAN SEEING SOMEONE ELSE AND HE BECAME VERY UPSET. HE SHOWED ME A PICTURE OF HIS TWO CHILDREN AND SAID THAT HE WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A BAD FEMALE. THE WOMAN WAS USING THE CHILDREN TO MANIPULATE HIM AND TO HOLD ON TO HIM. HE OFTEN STAYED WITH ME WHENEVER HE HAD A CHANCE. HE FELT THAT I WOULD LEAVE HIM HE TOLD ME THAT HE WAS IN LOVE WITH ME. I DISCOVERED THAT THE WOMAN WAS USING HIS SITUATION TO MANIPULATE HIM AND MAKE HIM FEEL WORTHLESS AND UNLOVABLE. HE WOULD OFTEN BE HUNGRY, AND IN NEED OF A SHOWER AND CLEAN CLOTHES I WOUL
It's funny how men need women to help fight this terrible crime in today's society. Men and women are abused. I see most abuse coming from women in three distict ways. 1) the insult to his manhood. What a lousy lover, he doesn't hold me enough. He can;t afford all the things she wants.
2) threatening to take away the children. In any fight the easy I'll take the kids and say you are abusive, is not a myth but a strategic ploy I heard women unabashedly brag about( my co-workers who are middle income earners).
3) the slap, push punch in public. You see it television shows and in public. Also the berating nag. I have heard these terrible dumps of crap being layed on men by women in public, that my wife and I have made a game of it when we are out. To see who can count the most. Men just can't do that without people steppping in or the police being called. But women, oh, she is just in her cycle. It is still abuse.
By the way I am a survivour and still married to the abuser. I had
One more thing- There are parents, of both genders, who have experienced parental alientation. From what I've seen, they don't give a rat's *ss if it's classified as a syndrome or not. Please, for the love of God, stop fighting the people who are trying to help these people. Everyone is suffering. It needs to stop.
... And mothers have the Violence Against Women Act -VAWA- to destroy fathers. All it takes is the word "fear" and they're given free legal aid, free housing, even free airline flights. They get whatever they need to remove the father from the life of the child - abuser or not, usually not. It's documented, it's proven. Shelter employees lie, they file false police reports. Are you really trying to say that an average dad can fight that kind of power and billions of dollars?
Mz Petunia,
I've seen your websites. They are completely gender-biased and hate-based. You care about male victims and falsely accused men as much as NOW does. Don't try to tell anyone otherwise.
All your talk about protective mothers... if you look at the stats, there are VERY few. Less than 5% of divorces are high conflict. And half of those cases involve bad mothers. Yet you want the laws to only protect mothers, and you don't care how many innocent fathers and children get hurt in the process.
All your talk about controlling, abusive men... again, a rarity. Mothers commit twice as much child abuse and neglect as fathers do. Women abuse men at the same rates that men abuse women. Most women who are abused, had abused the male first.
And all your talk about rich fathers... give me a break! Eighty-five percent of mothers of young kids work now, so don't try to use the "poor mothers" idea. In 1/3 of US households the woman is the highest earner. And mothers have
Protective mother and their advocates have never said there are NO abusive women. What we are saying and what the professionals are also saying is that walthy abuers are able to lie and abuse using the legal system and carry out one last threat to the victim and that is take any children away forever from the mother. They do this by utilizing PAS which is not officially recognized by the APA. Those who do atempt to utilize PAS are angaging in Maternal Deprivation which IS recognized not only by the APA but also not even mentioned by the AMA.
Maternal Deprivation is mentioned however and what is a mother to do if she is effectively removed from the child's life by an abuser?