The Fail-Safe Guide to Party Etiquette, Vol. 1

So you like to party, eh?

So do I. In fact, it's one of my favourite past times. I've thrown and been thrown out of dinner parties, graduation and wedding suares, surprise birthday parties, blowout keggers, small stoner social hours and reserved-room club parties. In life and in partying, there is one major hurdle we must overcome before we truly begin harnessing our social potential and taking it to the next level. That first step is learning simply how not to be "that guy."

"That guy" is the general descriptor we give to the one person at a social event that just doesn't get it. "That guy" can display a host of undesirable characteristics ranging from a lack of conversational tact to an inability to hold his or her liquor to general clumsiness to a strong disrespect for personal property. Nothing is more annoying as a host than realizing your consuming task for the evening will be neutralizing "that guy." I'll spend a whole chapter later in the series outlining various sub-species of "that guy" and describing tactics for keeping him or her in check.

But before we can be a good host we must learn what it means to be a good guest. And that begins from the moment you hear about a party in the works. This brings us to Chapter 1. I hope you enjoy this series and that it makes you la vida de la fiesta, whatever the occasion. Party on!

CHAPTER 1. Pre-gaming: securing invitations and preparing to attend a party.

You find out there's going to be a kickass party in your neighborhood this Friday night. You share mutual friends with the host, but may or may not know him or her personally. What do you do?

OPEN INVITATION

First, figure out what kind of party it is, and what the invitation status actually is. It may be a huge, open-invitation bash. There are two kinds of open-invitation parties: ones where the host is attempting to showcase his or her prosperity by allowing as many people as possible to witness it (benefit galas, MTV Super Sweet 16 parties, over-the-top weddings, etc.), and ones where the host just doesn't give a shit about what gets stolen/broken/urinated on (multi-keggers).

If it's the first, figure out if there's a dress code. You don't want to be wearing your super-cool tuxedo t-shirt when everyone else is actually wearing tails and neckties.

Find out who your host is and what he or she looks like, does for a living, enjoys doing for fun--and what annoys them. You can usually figure this out with a few quick phone calls/internet searches. This will be helpful when you get to the party and you want to strike up a conversation and get on the host's good side (just in case you're hoping to secure a "back room" invitation later in the evening).

If it's a fancy party with an open bar, you're going to be able to drink your fill. So don't overdo the pre-game drinking. You want to be sharp when you arrive, since you'll be mixing in with the big-whigs, and hopefully doing some helpful networking and bottom-kissing. Plus the lower noise and activity levels in fancy parties makes your being "that guy" all the more obvious. Since these fancy parties can often be a little more stuffy, choose your +1 carefully. You don't want your booze-hound buddy getting in a fist-fight with the elderly waitress who's ladeling out mimosas. More fancy parties are ruined by tactless tag-a-longs than any other societal subgroup.

If it's the second kind of open-invitation party, this may be your best opportunity to have that sloppy night out you haven't enjoyed since freshman year at State. It's likely a college kegger, advertised on facebook and MySpace, in a rundown house or apartment where the worst thing that can happen is spilling bong water on a futon or already bespeckled area rug. You'll be able to do plenty of pre-gaming for this party since everyone else will be there with the purpose of getting drunk. Plus, you want to be drunk enough so that you don't care as much about waiting in line 30 minutes for the keg each time. Sober=you punching the frat guy that moves the tap over every female cup, skipping yours each round with a self-righteous smirk. Drunk=you getting those girls' phone numbers and ending up doing a keg stand with the frat guy holding you up.

Still, there is a certain degree of caution that needs to be observed, even at a multi-keg throwdown. Since you likely don't know/care about/like the hosts, in your drunken state you'll be tempted to do careless and risky things like steal cups and keg taps and urinate in areas that may or may not be kosher. I've had to kick unruly houseguests out for a variety of reasons, but urinating somehwere other than a toilet or an alleyway is always a surefire way to get your ass kicked.

Also, since this is likely not your party, don't walk in like it is. Ever show up early to your good friend's party and drink a few beers as all your buddies are drifting in, only to be abruptly pissed off when some idiot wearing a pimp suit and a fedora walks in, reaking of Steel Reserve, and announces something anti-climatic like "The party has just begun!" or "Pimp Corey C in the house!" ? This person will not last long in the party. They think they're achieving some poignant cinematic entrance, like DeNiro's Jonny Boy strolling into to the bar with two buxom beauties to "Jumping Jack Flash" in Scorsese's Mean Streets. But what this person is really doing is making you notice that your soundtrack for the evening is actually Young Jeezy and that you're not near drunk enough to put up with this shit.

It's much better to duck in the doorway slowly, find a good spot on the wall and survey the situation from there. You'll be able to quietly get an idea of what is and what isn't acceptable at this party, what kind of people constitute the majority of guests (is this a punk rock haven? A frat-tastic dwelling? A gay meetup plaza?) and whether or not you want to stick around. Oftentimes as you make your way through the crowd you'll run into several friends, or at least strike up some interesting conversations with other jolly drunken party guests. Just always steer towards humility, respect for their space, and hold your tongue unless you absolutely know how these folks will react to it. Follow these rules and you should be able to become a fluid part of the party, not a sore thumb that needs to be amputated.

CLOSED INVITATION

For the most part, closed invitation parties are going to be a little smaller that open ones. But they can range from five people to hundreds, so you'll have a variety situations that you'll need to be prepared for. The most important thing to remember in preparing for a closed invititation party is that......it's a closed invitation party. The host, for whatever reason, prefers to be in control of who is entering his or her home for the evening. An invitation to you doesn't mean bring the whole frisbee team along after practice ends. But it can almost always be interpreted that any long-term girlfriend, fiance, wife or out-of-town relative (if they're not too unruly) will be welcome. Still check with the host ahead of time just in case.

If you're on the list, avoid bringing the party up too casually. "That guy" is usually resourceful enough to have the numbers and addresses of several people who don't necessarily want him around. Spot any "that guy" in your employee break room, econ class, etc. before opening your mouth about your weekend plans. The "Persistantly 'That Guy,'" a character we'll discuss later, will call you without mercy until you invite him along if he finds out, so you may have to go against your moral sense of equity and screen his calls around the time leading up to and during the party. You don't want to be responsible for ruining your neighbor's son's bat mitzvah when your dopey Michael Scott manager makes inappropriate jokes to the priest and hogs the dance floor to display his mastery of the macarena.

If you're not on the list, first try NOT COMING. You're not invited. There's a reason.

But if you feel you've been slighted and you must be there, call the host or your connection to the host, and mention you heard abou the party. Don't immediately ask to be invited. Just say something like, "Hey, so I heard you're having a little suare this weekend." Make sure to be absent-mindedly shuffling papers or filling out forms so it seems like you're just making small talk. You've already slightly encroached on the host, so don't say anything else unless they start talking about it. Often they'll immediately respond with, "Oh yeah, dude! We're going to have an ice luge, beer bong, four-sided beer pong table...it's gonna be wild, you should definitely come bro out with me!" Because if you're the kind of person that invites yourself to a party you likely use the word "bro" and "chill" excessively, and you'll know what they mean.

But if the host shrugs your comment off, abandon ship. Better luck next time, because if the host hasn't invited you by now, they don't want you there. Sorry.

Another thing to keep in mind for closed invitations is the possibility that this 1) A theme, couples or dinner party. 2) A BYOB party. 3) A party with the possibility of some quiet, awkward moments between people close to the host who are randomly forced into conversation together.

Make sure your costume is creative. We don't need 17 Dale Earndhardts. But you may have to change creative tactics depending on what kind of party it is. I thought my esoteric choice of Truman Capote would not be matched last Halloween, except for that the party I was attending was full of equally esoteric guests. I was not the only Truman Capote.

If you BYOB, think a little about what will be appropriate. Don't bring Natty Light to a wine party, and don't bring fancy wine to a backyard barbeque. You want your host and the fellow guests to feel comfortable around you.

In the quiet, awkward moments, always fill the space by asking others about themselves. My fiance recently got back from a party and said, "I talked to so-and-so for a long time last night." I asked her what they talked about, and she replied, pained, "Her....we talked about her." You don't want to bore people with lame stories, you don't want to brag about sexual exploits and you don't want to try to force the conversation along if you're not connecting with someone. If it gets too bad, you can always politely leave.

Once you get to a party, there are several key tools you'll need to incorporate to make sure you're remembered as a cool guest and invited back again. Our next chapter will address those. But for now, get a beer and take a little break, man. This reading stuff is tiring.