The Fail-Safe Guide to Party Etiquette, Vol. 1

I hope I gave you enough of a break to enjoy a few brews and maybe catch a Matlock re-run or two. But if we want to become the life of the party, we have to get back on the ball. Because believe it or not, some level of perserverance is needed to scale the social walls standing between you and your destiny as a member of the party world's who's who. Because to be invited to the best parties, you have to make your case at some smaller parties. But let's assume we're starting from square one. You just got hired for a job in a new city and you don't have any friends there. I've already given some general tips on how to get your foot in the door, but I think some more specific pointers here will be helpful as you consider transitioning to the next step.

GET TIGHT WITH YOUR CO-WORKERS

Since you might only know the people you work with at the beginning, it's important to make a good impression with them. First off, try to strike up conversations with those in your immediate desk area from day one. Try not to come on too strong--sometimes acting too buddy-buddy towards a co-worker at first can be perceived as ass-kissing, or as arrogantly over-stepping your bounds. You probably don't want to be asking folks out for drinks or dinner right away.

Start with some general queries--how long have they been with the company? In the city? What are the names of those cute children adorn the picture frames on their desk?--and then get back to work so they know you've got their back on the business end of things. Offer to stay extra, take on more projects, volunteer for things they know you have training in and use the time they spend prepping you as a bonding opportunity. One of my close friends and music business colleagues I met as we trained, and then toiled miserably in a shitty restaurant together. Some of the best relationships are birthed between commiserators, partners in some unenviable task or experience.

Then endear yourself to your co-workers by gently easing into conversations about outside-of-the-office happenings. Stick around at the water cooler for a moment after pouring yourself a cup (so it looks like you're not eaves-dropping, just finishing before the paper cone falls apart and soaks your hand). Generally, folks will be discussing what happened in some sports event, popular television show, concert or office bar outing the night before. This is a good point to stop and tell you about doing what I call "social research." You may not be interested in all the things your friends, family and co-workers are, but it's important to at least have a working knowledge of them so you can converse and not sound like a self-interested ass. All it takes is browsing online reviews of current movies and albums and catching a few minutes of SportsCenter while you're ironing your pants in the morning (I suspect folks in other industries might do this "ironing" thing, but having been in the media and music worlds for the entirety of my young career I'm sometimes inclined to believe that this is just a myth). This way you'll be able to hop in on conversations, find common ground, and begin forming some friendships.

If you do the previous steps right, you should be fairly popular around the office. People that come in and work hard and show interest in their co-workers usually are. You should start getting some invitations to take lunch with folks from work--take them. I spent a little too much time early in my current job eating packed lunches alone, and coincidentally my fellow, more involved intern received her full-time appointment before I did. Lunch is a good time to let your proverbial hair down in baby steps. A few lunches are key before you start going out drinking with them. This is because people's work personalities tend to be very different outside of work and you don't want to shock them too much all at once by taking Jager shots and hitting on all the girls at the bar.

The lunch gives you a chance to ask about the city, ask where some good restaraunts and nightlife venues are, just for your general edification. Ask where your co-workers enjoy going, specifically. At this point, it's likely they'll let you know about their favorite watering hole and invite you to the next outing. If not, don't push it at first. After you get to know them better, maybe gently ask if they mind if you tag along the next time to get a feel for the place. After you've been at the office a few months, start organizing your own outings. As you're out drinking with your co-workers and their crew, here's several tips to making a stylish and successful arrival and spending your time there well.

1. ARRIVE IN A TIMELY MANNER--BUT NOT TOO TIMELY. You don't want to seem disinterested in the invitation, so try to arrive fairly close to the meetup time. Arriving "fashionably late" is cool, but only up to a point. People take it way overboard and either look like a diva or miss hooking up with their friends completely. You don't want to get there first, obviously, since you won't know anybody else there and you'll look like a loser if you get a big table by a bar and sit there by yourself staring into your beer. Usually 15 minutes to an hour late is acceptable, depending on how tight the plans were. If you have a significant other or spouse, bring him/her. They will help act as a buffer if your relationship with the office folks is still a little awkward. Your significant other lets them know that people like you, that you're stable, etc. They'll often be interested in talking your significant other since it's another non-work person they get to meet--no strings attached to the conversation so they feel more comfortable talking. This reminds me of the next step.

2. GET IN WITH CO-WORKERS' GIRLFRIENDS, SPOUSES, COLLEGE BUDDIES, ETC. If you show interest in your co-workers' friends or loved ones, you're in. Imagine this scenario: you go out for dinner and drinks with your boss and his wife. You complement her on her dress, find out what she does for a living, her hobbies, etc. Then you keep your eye out for similarly-themed articles and events and mention them to your boss in the office, or to her directly the next time you see her. This is a sure way to win someone over. Then, if there's a special company gala or luxurious business trip, you may get the invite. If it doesn't help your career, it will at least make your co-workers and their friends want to party with you. That's where the private party invitations come in.

3. BUY A ROUND. Wait till everyone's had a beer or three; you don't want to seem like an overeager drink pusher. Once the conversation gets loose, buy a round. Leave it at one, though, because you don't want to look like you're showing off, and you don't want them to be able to gauge your financial comfort level just in case you're planning on asking for a raise soon. It's a nice guesture, and it will likely be returned several times over, as a good idea never goes un-imitated.

4. BOW OUT A LITTLE EARLY. This is especially important if you're at a more regulars-only kind of bar, or at someone's house. You know that annoying guest that won't leave a party, and boos loudly each time someone else tries to step out? Don't be that person. If you bow out gracefully, it shows you appreciate their hospitality in inviting you, but that you don't want to wear out your welcome. It also lets you leave them a slight air of mystery. Sometimes party folk can be fairly ADD and get bored with people easily--especially folks that are always around. It's a good practice to not accept every single invitation and not to invite someone to every social function you put on. The intentions may be innocent but you don't want to come off as desperate. If you're always slightly out of reach, you'll always be in demand. Don't abuse this privelege and wave your presence in front of people like a special treat, though. That's just an asshole thing to do. Nothing pisses me off more than when a friend shows up for 10 minutes at a function and acts like I'm lucky to be seeing them.

Outside of the office, there are alot of other social opportunities, alot of other chances to network. Here's just a few convenient, easy ways you can be earning social bank while going about your daily activities.

LEARN HOW TO STRIKE UP CONVERSATIONS WITH STRANGERS. Waiting in line at the airport, supermarket, sports stadium bathroom, theatre box office and other culturally public places is a good time to get a general feel of the social atmosphere in your town--and to make contacts. I've spent alot of time putting up concert posters for my promotions company--sometimes I have full days devoted to promoting half a dozen different shows all over town. I've come to know a host of managers, clerks, cashiers and waiters who work the regular shift where I poster. It comes in handy when we want to do something extra like sell tickets in-store, handbill some special event or have a listening party leading up to a show. But what it's also done is provide me with some friends. Now whenever I go to a local club or a concert, I recognize everybody. I'm dancing and looking through the crowd thinking, "OK, there's the cashier from Disc Exchange, the owner of the Tomato Head, the singer for that cool electronic band that was playing in the square, etc. You'll fit in better at the club, and maybe get special discounts at the places where you know folks. These are also extra potential invites to the big blowout bash you've been wanting to throw.

REMEMBER TO GET PEOPLE'S PHONE NUMBERS. How many times have you met a cool guy or gal in a bar, had a lengthy discussion and then never seen them again after parting ways? Once you get on a familiar basis with someone, work in a way to get their phone number. It will serve you well in the future as you never who that person will turn into or when they might be of service to you, or vice versa. The more contacts you have, the more parties you'll get to go to.

BROWSE THE NEWSPAPER AND INTERNET FOR COOL UPCOMING EVENTS. Drink specials, live music, theatre, carnivals and other entertainment opportunities of that ilk are important to keep your eye out for. You don't want to commit to a toddler's birthday party if your favorite band is coming to town the same night. You don't want to buy $6 LIT's all night if the bar next store is selling them for $3. You'll be the go-to guy for your friends' social events if you always know what's going on where.

OBSERVE PARTIES CLOSELY. If you can connect the dots with who parties with who, where and when they do it, it'll be all the better for getting invited back to parties in the future and for compiling guest lists for your own. As you arrive at the party, always remember how you got there so you can give good directions to other guests and avoid the frustration of getting lost again when you come. In that same vein, always leave earlier than you think you need to when you're visiting somewhere for the first time. Nothing kills a party like a cell phone being passed around as people give half-assed directions to the one douche who can't find the place. Trust me, I've been that douche on several occasions and it's always embarrassing when you finally arrive--everyone will point it out. But like I said, observe what kind of music they play to set the mood, what food and drinks they serve and how receptive they are to outsiders. Always introduce yourself to the host first thing and thank them for having you. Bringing a bottle of wine or some snacks is always helpful for getting in good.

This should get you off to a pretty good start on your party quest, but the further down the rabbit hole we go, the more fine points of party etiquette there are to observe and implement. The next chapter will focus on the earliest party environment most of us experience-- the keg party, and hit all of its fine points. Drinking games, drug issues, handling unruly guests, dealing with the police and learning acceptable and unacceptable pranks to play on the unconscious will all be covered.

Now if you don't mind I'm going to go get stoned real quick. It really helps in dealing with keggers.