The Family Bed: One Mom's Drastic Change of Heart

In July of 2008, my second son was born. That's when I threw all I thought I knew to be correct about bedsharing out the window with a big hurrah. Freedom!

I knew that children were in my future years before they actually made their appearance. I met my husband when I was quite young - only 21, and we were married two years later. I worked for a daycare center for six short months before finding my niche in the field of Early Intervention where I worked with delayed and disabled children in their homes. I loved it. After a few years of happily working, my husband and I (after much coaxing on my part) decided it was time to try for our first. Six months later I got the unmistakable red line. Nine months after that, in March of 2006, our first son was born, an undeniable left-side cone head on the bloated body of a 9 pound, 2 ounce baby. He was gorgeous in the eyes of his mother and his first cries surged throughout my body, a thrill that left me blurry-eyed and blubbering. Throughout my pregnancy, working in the field I was in, and speaking with a few mom friends, I was convinced that I was going to raise my son by the book - there was, after all, a way of doing this, right? You place them on their back to sleep. You never rock them to sleep, rather, you place them in their crib (with no bedding) while they are still awake so they can learn to self-soothe. When they get a bit older and they cry for you, you go in, but do not pick them up. Then you walk out of the room and do not give into their cries, which almost always find their way into the air.

Sleep training. So many of my friends swear by it. I was in what seemed to be the majority of mother's who were sleep training their children in such a manner when I had my first. The day he turned four months old I brought him from his co-sleeper attached to the side of our bed in our room and set him up in his crib for his first night in a room of his own. For a couple months we played the game. He'd cry, I'd go in to soothe him. I'd leave, he'd cry again. I'd go in five minutes later to soothe him again and let him know I was there. I'd leave. He'd cry again. I'd wait ten minutes this time. And so on... At times, I'd let him cry over a half an hour before he got his tiny body to sleep, probably from exhaustion. But a couple months later, he was sleeping through the night. He'd wake at 4:30 for the day, mind you, but he was sleeping through the night. I was thrilled.

It didn't last long. Soon thereafter, he woke needing me at night. I went in to comfort him, but the cycle started all over again. And once more, I played the game. I let him cry. He got back to sleeping through the night, but it seemed that he'd wake earlier and earlier in the morning. In June of 2007, when my son was 15 months, my husband was laid off. Four months later, we moved from our home in MA, to a new home in NH. Our son was 19 months.

He started out well in his new room. He'd sleep through the night with what appeared to be no problem at all. I should have anticipated the downward spiral, though. It began with him waking and simply not getting himself back to sleep. Then I gave in and would take him out of his crib and rock him a little before placing him back in his crib to sleep. Then I'd rock him until he was sleeping in my arms. After a few weeks of this, I gave in and took him to bed with me when he woke very early in the morning thinking that perhaps he'd sleep a couple more hours before waking for the day. I snicker at myself when I think upon this. Of course he woke earlier and earlier from his sleep in the crib and I'd take him downstairs and into bed with me. Eventually it got to the point where he was sleeping with us for the entire night. Our bedtime ritual now begins with a tub, short television time to wind down, and then he canters down the hallway and jumps into our king-sized bed, pulling the blanket to his chin and smiling when I ask him if we had a good day. I sing to him and five minutes later, he's sleeping and for the most part, he doesn't wake up at all during the night and he starts his day in the 6 o'clock hour as opposed to 4:30. I can deal with that! I'm given pleasure when I think upon the fact that my son feels safe and secure with the sleeping arrangement that he's currently in. I don't believe he'll be sleeping with us when he's six or seven years old, but I do tend to think that his transition back to his own room will be that much easier when he's truly ready to make it and I feel that I'm building on his sense of security by allowing him to sleep next to me right now.

I imagine there are a lot of you rolling your eyes at me right now thinking that I was incredibly manipulated. To that I'd agree if I were referring to my son in his new room in NH. At 19, 20, 21 months, children have the cognitive capacity to manipulate. At six months, however, they do not. When my son was six months old and was crying for me, it wasn't straight manipulation. Sure, he knew that he wanted me, and cried to get his needs met, but he didn't have the ability to think "gosh, if I cry harder and harder, then mommy will come and get me even though I know that I need to be here in my crib right now...ha ha!" They just simply know that there is a need, a want, and they cry to get those needs and wants met. It's what they know. It's innate. And who wouldn't rather sleep in the arms of a loved one than by themselves in a crib? Makes sense to me. :)

Our second son was born in July of 2008 and even throughout my pregnancy, I knew that he'd be in the bedroom with us. I had my husband set up our co-sleeper, attaching it to the side of the bed where I felt he'd be in a safe position, yet, right there when he needed me to comfort him or needed to nurse. He surprised us immensely when he decided to come five weeks premature. Fortunately, all went well, and a week later, he was home with us. The first night in the co-sleeper proved to be a disaster. Gosh did he hate that thing! Even more than our first hated it when he was a newborn. Yet, pick him up and place him to your chest or cradle him in your arms, and off to dreamland he'd go. After a few weeks of fighting him to sleep in his co-sleeper, I hesitantly brought him into bed with me. It was probably the best sleep decision I could have made for us. I was sure to leave the blankets far from his head, and it was only me that was on the pillow. Never once did my body move when he was in my arms. Instead, the very moment he would fuss or wriggle, I would instinctively wake up and soothe him. Then only minutes later, we would both fall asleep. My husband left for a business trip when our son was only three weeks old and I was often asked why I was so alert, how it was I had so much energy. I'm convinced it's because my son was sleeping with me. For me personally, it gave me the freedom to sleep when sleep was needed. He would just latch on when he needed to feed, and off we'd both go. Never did I think that I would suffocate my son. If he were in between myself and my older son and husband, then I'd always have him cradled in my arms as opposed to sleeping on the bed itself. I admit that I didn't trust the instincts of my son or my husband not to wake when needed. Through the months, I would attempt to place him back in his co-sleeper when I could throughout the night. Sometimes it would work and sometimes it wouldn't.

I fully understand that bedsharing isn't for everyone and I'm aware of the controversy among professionals both for and against the family bed. Most of my friends thrive on the fact that their child/children are in their own bed and not with them. I fully respect their decisions just as I hope I'm respected for the decisions that we have made. Please note that there are precautions that should be taken when bedsharing to ensure your baby's safety. The following article has a good base to go on: http://safebedsharing.org/safetyguidelines.html.

Our youngest is now 9 1/2 months old and he continues to sleep with us in our bed. He's got his routine down. At night when I head to bed, I slip between my boys. I'll stroke their cheeks and just stare at them for a few minutes before I fall asleep. I smile. I'm confident in the knowledge that they are both happy, safe and secure. This is the answer for us although I smirk at the picture we must portray - me, my husband, my two boys and my two dogs who adorn the floor next to our bed. One happy family in one very loved family bed.