the Family Gathering: Avoid a Return to Childhood

Things have been extremely busy around here, but not so busy that I can't take time out to chuckle at the holiday frenzy that is heating up. I always wonder why people continue to put themselves through so much stress...especially those who spend time with a dysfunctional family.

I suppose the need to belong can be such a huge drive that people cannot bring themselves to put their mental and physical health before obligatory gift buying and tense dinners. I must say, I commend EVERYONE who tolerates such tortures, but I have been working on the "opt out" plan for those who are trying to remove themselves from the flight of the swarm.

So here you are. The holidays are approaching and the family is making those little noises that make your stomach tie up in knots. Dinner will be at "x" time, Aunt Busybody can't wait to hear how your year went, Mom is reminding you about the "no drinking and no smoking" policy, meaning that while you are IN TOWN she expects you to be an extension of her straight laced attitudes. You can feel that "as long as you are under my roof" straight jacket tightening. You have to face the fact that these sorts of family members may never see you as an adult and have no intention of respecting your personal path. Here are some simple measures that will assure you maintain your adult status in EVERYONE'S eyes.

Stay in a hotel or motel!

If you are travelling so far that you cannot return to the sanity of your own home, stay in a hotel. It is quite common for family to tell you, "we have the room all ready for you", "Oh don't bother with a hotel room, we want everyone together". Sometimes this is code for "I want to pretend things are the way they were before the kids grew up". Don't do that to yourself. We all work very hard to become adults. Don't take a trip back to the land of the powerless and inexperienced. You can simply state that you really have to have your hotel room for stress management purposes, and then you really have to refuse to discuss it any further. It is a step in in setting limits. Adults do that. Remind the family of that little fact.

Plan activities away from the family.

It helps to be coming in for the family dinner between other social obligations. EVen if you don't really have anywhere else to be, having to go visit an unamed cohort makes you seem really popular and successful. Again, you are not obligated to reveal more than you have another "engagement". Don't fall for the "is it anyone I know" ploy. Just tell that concerned person that you can stop by again tomorrow, no muss, no fuss.

Be firm about what subjects you WILL NOT discuss.

You are grown, you have a private life. You can tell people that you are so busy with some immediate AND long term goals that you just don't get out much, you can use the opportunity to go into a solo about some of the sociological issues related to dating in general, or state that one of those goals is to not talk about yourself so much. You can tell them that you haven't had time to think about dating because you are working and extra job and donating the funds to charity. The key here is to keep the conversation from taking an in appropriate parent/child tone. Try to elevate the intellectual stakes in these conversations. It makes the talk more interesting.

Prepare yourself to listen carefully.

Beware of the programmed response. There is a tendency to answer questions or give information because it was expected of you during childhood. It takes alot of work to avoid continuing that pattern but it CAN be done. Ask for clarification of questions that have the potential to make you open to disapproval or deeper probing.

Don't hang around for too long.

Arrive 10 to 20 minutes before dinner, then eat the meal, have dessert, leave before things get too casual. Trust me. Idle braincells on tryptophan tend to poke around where they shouldn't

Bone up on subjects they have no possibility of understanding.

When they ask what you have been doing, launch into quantum physics and zero point fields....or any other subject that has really big words, assuming the conversation usually goes to the soap opera level. Talk about books, editorials, or ideas...but remain on a higher level.

Bring a friend.

Having a stranger around tends to make the family careful in their treatment of you. What are friends for?

I am sure you can come up with your own ideas on how to survive the family gathering without insulting everyone present. These gatherings can bring back unresolved hurt and emotional vulnerability from childhood. Try to remember that you have moved on even though some would pull you right back. Just remember that your goal is to remain as intact as you were 6 weeks ago, before you arrived at the old homestead and the relatives started his usual snappy banter about the past.

Good Luck!