The Fear Within

Standing on the precipice there are only two clear choices, plunge into the abyss and remain the same pathetic, unrecognizable, bittersweet phony or take two steps back and turn away from the madness.

In my dreams, I always take two steps back and the emotion known as fear ceases and desists its hold on me immediately.

In real life, I take the plunge, repeatedly day in day out, sometimes hour by hour. In those rare blessed moments a long time passes before the plunge and all is right in my world, albeit temporarily but it is alright and things look up, optimism shines strongly and reminds me of better things, happy times and offers hope.

As for now, fear is embedded deep and its hold is strong, much like a pit bulls jaw clamped on the limb of its victim. Fear resides uninvited and is a frequent guest with ill manners. Fear brings his comrades along for the ride, nastiness, unhappiness, pessimism and worthlessness and this crew knows how to work the room to keep you in your place. And your place is oft filled with malcontent and negativity. They fill your veins with poison and feed mercilessly on you. You become a worn out husk, a useless shell, long gone is the prized pearl that was once brilliant, spectacular, breathtakingly beautiful, special and strong.

Fear is present in every lock of hair, in your entire brain, in all your vital organs right down through your pinky toenails. It weakens you and sucks the life from you. You are tired, depressed, you barely eat and sleep eludes you. When you do sleep you are tormented with disturbing thoughts and images. It is a long and exhausting journey, sometimes impossible to return from.

There are no fond memories only pain and torture. The cycle continues, the spiral is downwards and the way up is seemingly impassable. It is an incredible test of faith to return from this excursion and the forks in the road are treacherous and deadly. Your attempts are futile you begin to lose faith and hope.

You are meant to return from the abyss happier and smarter, if you are lucky the cement wall has been razed or the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel is becoming brighter. You can then enjoy life, relax and rejoice but you know your guard will always be up waiting in fear for the next plunge.