The Female Film Stars so Vain They Could Just Eat Themselves Up

They're mostly women in my opinion, the very vain film stars.

Perhaps you have a different view?

George Clooney often seems pretty pleased with himself, but on the other hand he doesn't really go over the top.

Mel Gibson and Arnie seem to realise they've really screwed up in their personal and professional lives and don't have much to be smug about. Michael Douglas may have been a bit smug when he was younger but he seems like he has his head screwed on these days, following his marriage to Catherine Zeta-Jones, the jaling of his son Cameron and his illness with and recovery from mouth and throat cancer. Hugh Grant used to be very vain, but these days he looks a bit hang-dog and depressed. I suppose it started with the Divine Brown incident.

It's the Hollywood women rather than the male film stars who think they're so cute they could hug themselves. Or so delicious they could eat themselves.

I don't want to sound mean and I freely admit that they've all got better CVs, bigger fortunes and greater accomplishments than mine. But so does Brad Pitt and he doesn't seem to think he's the Hollywood bees' knees.(Which in fact, ironically -of course - he is!) Johnny Depp is successful and adored and good-looking but he comes across as light-hearted and sending himself up most of the time.

Yet every time you see a photo of Cameron Diaz, for example, she's grinning like an inebriated frog. Her bright eyes and bushy tail just scream: "Donch'all think I'm just the best???!!!" That mouthreally couldn't stretch any wider.

I can't really think of a great film Diaz has starred in - can you? - and I'm not aware of her having done anything much in public life apart from tootle about on the red carpet grinning like an inebriated frog.

Kate Winslett's another one. Yes, I know lots of film goers seem to think she's incredible-wonderful-talented-beautiful butI just don't get it. In Titanic, she looked stout and matronly and more like Leonardo di Caprio's mom than his love interest. Winslett has an ego that, to me, would drown out almost any lines or direction given her by a writer or director.

Jennifer Aniston's another one. She's pretty and bouncy and made for romcoms and good luck to her. But every time you see her photographed she's either parading on a red carpet with a dress up round her 42-year-old thighs or posing naked on a beach, photoshopped out of all reality and pouting like a teenager. Whether she's selling her latest film, her Jennifer perfume or her relationship with Meyer/Vaughan/Theroux or some other co-star, Aniston comes across as a wannabee-teen flapping her hands and screaming: "Look at me guys. Hey, over here - will you just look at ME?"

Then there are the two old girls - those dames of British theatre and film, Judy Dench and Helen Mirren. Britain loves its theatrical "luvvies" and Dench and Mirren are among the luvviest. "A national treasure!" Brits will chirrup whenever Mirren or Dench are mentioned. Yet every time you see either of these two actresses in a film you can almost hear their brainwaves crackling with self-congratulation. Dench seems particularly vain about her acting career. Mirren seems vain about her acting career and her looks too - she loses no opportunity to pose on a beach in a swimsuit or on a red carpet in a designer gown. And though all actresses do that, Mirren always seems to be in eat-myself-up mode. In both cases, these actresses seem to demand applause as of right. I loved Mirren's performance in Altman's wonderful filmGosford Park. And Dench was good in Mrs Brown, the film about Britain's Queen Victoria which also starred Scottish comic Billy Connolly. Yet both women come across as conceited, as if they feel their film performances are simply terribly important.

Of course, actors and actresses are notorious for having a high opinion of their looks and abilities. But there are plenty of stars who seem to have their heads screwed on and a realistic idea of the contribution they make to society and their profession. Robert Downey Jr is on record as having said that he just wings it when he's acting. Gene Hackman said he thinks a lot of actors are simply people who come from dysfunctional families. And the late great Humphrey Bogart said jokingly of his own success: "You're not a star until they can spell your name in Karachi".

I particularly like the statement made by James Gandolfini when he once questioned the sycophancy surrounding actors and film stars.

"I'm an actor" he said. "I do a job and I go home. Why are you interested in me?"