The First Boundary in Relationships: SPACE

Many of the boundaries that are set in relationships are often not well defined, which make them difficult to understand and respect. The first and most basic boundary is to have your own personal space and to expect that others have the same expectations. This is something that should be set in every relationship.

This is not just physical space. Some people do not like to be touched by others in any physical manner. Handshakes go a long way for most people and are sufficient contact. To hug a person that you do not know well is something that a lot of us do, especially mothers. It is a show of acceptance for some. If you wanted a hug and did not get it that does not mean that the other person does not accept you. It may just mean they are not one to hug often. By not pushing yourself on others and not taking it personally when there is not an offer of physical contact, you will already have a good start. This is because when there are immediate tensions, things often spiral downward. Visualize yourself and others in a bubble, and never enter that bubble unless invited.

Beyond the physical aspect of personal space, you are in territory where the "space" becomes invisible. In regards to neighbors and people you see in passing, this is not of concern. Because the exchanges are often brief and friendly, there are very few things to worry about as far as boundaries go. One thing that needs stressing is that these brief "run-ins" are meant to be brief. Many people really do not want to know your life story when they ask how you are doing. This is something to remember. A simple, "good, and you", is a wonderful and appropriate response. When I see people that usually give a different, lengthy, and even needy answer, I make it a point to avoid them. I do this because I know they will not respect the "unsaid" boundary of polite, short and sweet interactions with others. One great way to handle a person that you frequently run into that goes on and on at length about their lives, particularly the negative aspects of it, is to be honest and tell them that you have to move on to the next part of your day. It is not rude to do so, and if you decide to interact with these people, they should eventually get the hint and respect that you are not interested in lengthy conversations with them.

When a relationship is deeper and you talk to someone about things, the boundaries will be different. Friends, family, spouses, and other people close to you are the people that you will want to discuss personal matters with. The boundaries that are set should be done on both sides and set clearly. In most situations there is no need for such boundaries. But in the cases where there is a difference of opinion or the subject is one that causes feelings to arise, the boundaries are important. Why? Because they make the conversation flow better, and sometimes preserve the relationship if there are a lot of feelings and opinions involved.

These are general boundaries and may need to be tweaked for some situations. These are all boundaries that relate to one's space and how to respect that.

For the person talking, there are a few key points to remember. When you are having a difference of opinion, it is not your job to make the other person agree with you. You may have a point to make and that is okay. Make your point in a respectful manner. There should be no name calling or insults made directly to the others involved or the opinions they have. Respectfully speak to others. Though this is usually a given in most situations, sometimes we all need a gentle reminder to back off a little and think before we speak. Unless you know that it is okay, do not reach out and physically touch the people you are talking to. This can be a great source of tension for those that are made uncomfortable by physical touching. Once you know that the other person/people are okay with contact, do so respectfully and appropriately. Never push your lifestyle or beliefs on others. Whether it is religion, politics, education, family dynamics, or anything else, it is never okay to think that others have to be just like you. You can tell them how you feel about the matter and why, but do not be upset at them for feeling differently or being different than you are. Acting this way makes people upset and only puts a wall up and distance in the relationship. Even if you mean well and think it is in their best interest to do things your way, it is not your place to instruct them on how to live their lives. This is a common boundary that is broken. Some people recover from that fast, others take more time. The best way to avoid that issue is to not cross the fine line between expressing your opinion and telling another what their opinions should be.

For the person/people listening, there are also some things that are important to make the conversation go well. The first is to listen. Nobody likes to have a conversation with a brick wall. Keep your ears and mind open while the other talks, and respectfully wait your turn to speak. Our kindergarten teachers said it best when they told us that we have to wait our turn. Like I said, sometimes the most basic rule seems to be the most important. Another thing that should be happening when you are listening to another is correcting that person. This varies based on the relationship, but generally, unless there has been a large mistake made, there is no reason to humiliate the other person by correcting them. If the person makes you feel uncomfortable, you have a right to let them know. Maybe they are too pushy, maybe they are too loud, maybe they are making unwanted physical contact. Whatever the case is, you have the right to let the other party know that you are uncomfortable by their actions. If they do not make the necessary adjustments, the decision is now yours as to whether you continue the conversation. Unless a person is maliciously being disrespectful to you and your boundaries, they may not be aware of the mistakes they are making in the conversation. Give them the benefit of the doubt and let them know what needs to be adjusted. If, at that point, they continue their behavior, you can exit the conversation.

For all parties, the basic rules are not to go into any conversation with your mind made up. Do not get defensive and do not be overly sensitive.

You will, no doubt, meet people that are not respectful of these boundaries, whether intentional or not. The only thing you can do is to let them know you have boundaries and expect them to be respected. If they continue to disrespect them, a choice on whether or not the conversation or even the realtionship should continue will have to be made by you.

By following these rules and boundaries, you are already on your way to a healthier life and relationship. Blood pressure and heart rate will benefit from your respectfulness and the respect of others and your life will improve.

The next lesson is on how to treat others the way you would like to be treated. Though this sounds like a no-brainer, there is a lot more to it than meets the eye. The entire thought process sometimes needs to change to be a success in this area.

Come back for that lesson and remember, I will be telling some of my personal stories with boundaries and my own personal struggles and triumphs with them.