The First Question About Pacifism Which I Am Never Answering Again

Whenever people find out that I am a Pacifist I start to feel like Billy Murray in Groundhog Day. I answer the same questions in the same order and face the same quizzical stares and comments about Pacifism being "great in theory" or other patronizing dismissal.

For the benefit of those of you who have not had this conversation six-thousand times, here's how it goes.

Me: (in the midst of a conversation) "...actually I'm a Pacifist."
Person X: "Really?"
Me: "Yeah"

(After a Brief Pause.)

Person X: "What if someone was raping your wife?"

First off, what makes people jump from Pacifism to rape? Why does every person on the planet do this? It's never: "Pacifist eh? Like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.?" or "Pacifism? Isn't that the opposition to war or violence of any kind, culminating in a refusal to engage in any military activity?"

Nope, no Merriam-Webster here; just the same fictitious rape of my invented wife. But let's get back to the conversation...

Me: "Well, I would probably put myself physically between the two of them while someone called the Police."
Person X: "Yeah, but what if..."

This is where the skeptical, would be war-monger goes from "regular Joe" to "criminally insane evil genius."

Person X; "What if you're trapped on top of a building with a gun with a scope and you can see your wife across the street about to be raped by a big scary man with scars on his face and an overbite, and you have no way to get to her or call the police, and she has no rape whistle or mace, and no one could hear you scream for help, or hear her scream for help... What would you do then?"

What really bothers me about this rant isn't the implausibility of the proposed situation; it's the look of accomplishment on their face. It's a face that says "How do you like that mister fancy pants Pacifist? Stumped you didn't I?" There are several things I want to say at this point.

1) "I hope you realize how sick you sound and seek professional help."
2) "Stop giving me that look."
3) "If I ever get married, your not invited."
4) "I've never shot a rifle in my life, and if you think I would ever shoot one in the direction of my imaginary wife you are more insane than you seem, and that's saying something."

To this final protest I am always assured that in the rape scenario I am a world class shot, and would have no trouble picking off the would be perpetrator like Sly Stallone in Assassins.

Now, it's finally time for me to release my peaceful fury onto this conversation, let's listen in...

Me: "So putting aside the fact that this situation is totally insane and impossible and would never ever ever occur; let's see what my options are to get out of it without resorting to injuring people.

Solution 1) Place a few shots around the perpetrator who would do what everyone would do when shot at with a freaking high powered sniper rifle, run and hide. My wife runs away and finds some keys to get me off this rooftop.

Well... What if he's some kind of super-human machine that is unflappable by any means? Ok.

Solution 2) Shoot the windows out of a couple parked cars which is sure to attract a bunch of attention to the area where my wife is, not to mention armed police officers who would be only minutes away.

Well... What if there's no parked cars? Ok.

Solution 3) Shoot the tire out of a car driving by so that it spins to a stop right next to where my wife is. They see what's going down and come to her defense and call the police.

Well... What if there's no parked cars and no traffic at all in this city? First, I'm moving their immediately. Second, Ok.

Solution 4) Shoot the cap off a fire hydrant which will explode with water like summertime in New York City. This attracts attention, police, and kids in bathing suits and they all pitch in to help my fictional wife."

At this point they generally realize that, as crazy as they are, I totally have them covered. But this realization is almost instantly killed by the appearance of: The Second Question about Pacifism which I am Never Answering Again.

I have neither the time nor the sanity left to address it now. But look for it coming soon to a computer screen near you.