The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

Are you unsatisfied with your marriage? Do you find yourself attached to someone who you can no longer stand and who is nothing like the person with whom you fell in love? Maybe divorce or separation is right on the horizon for you. You owe it to yourself and your spouse to read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

Dr. Chapman, a man trained in relationships and married for over 40 years, has gradually (through trial and error) developed a concept that helps couples understand and love each other. This concept is called "The Five Love Languages".

The author opens his book by explaining process of obsessive love that we nearly all feel when we first become attracted to another person and how we tend to blindly look past all of our significant other's imperfections. The couple in love assumes they will always feel this way (no matter how many people try to tell them differently) and for many of us, this ultimately ends in marriage and/or children. It isn't until approximately two years later, after the "Honeymoon Period", in which the love-veil begins to drop from our eyes and we find ourselves with someone who irritates us, doesn't appreciate us, and is just plain difficult. We begin to look elsewhere for the love that we once had and ultimately the process begins all over. But Dr. Chapman gives us another option: Learn about each other's love languages and discover what real love is. We can make a choice to live with and love the person we've already chosen.

According to the author, we all develop a primary love language as a result of our childhood experiences. We only feel loved when those around us demonstrate their love for us by "speaking" our love languages. The problem in many marriages is that neither of the partners recognizes the other's love language, and both parties begin to feel frustrated and unloved. Once we begin "speaking" each other's love languages, we begin to feel loved and satisfied, which in turn takes care of a lot of other problems in the relationship (sex, money, etc...). Even if only one person begins practicing this concept, the other most likely will pick up on it and naturally start returning the sentiments; which echoes the saying, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world," on a more personal scale. In turn, if you are "speaking" a love language that your spouse doesn't care for (perhaps you are speaking your own language or that of a parent to him/her), no matter how much effort you put into it, they will not respond favorably.

Here is a brief review of the Five Love Languages:

1. "Words of Affirmation"-Those with this love language will feel most loved when their partners verbally praise them, compliment them, and express their love through words. They adore being positively talked to and about by their significant others. If your partner has this love language then "I love you more than anything," "You look great!" and "You are so good at that!" will make you seem like a king or queen in your significant other's eyes.

2. "Quality Time"-Those with this love language will feel most loved when their partners take at least a few moments out of each day to spend meaningful time with them. Be it having a fifteen-minute conversation or spending the day shopping together. If this is your significant other's love language, as long as you are willing to set aside some time to spend with him or her (doing more than just staring at the TV), than he or she will always feel fulfilled with you.

3. "Receiving Gifts"-Those with this love language will feel most loved when their partners frequently spend their time and/or money presenting them with physical gifts. This is especially effective if they are receiving gifts in which they have expressed interest previously. Depending on your financial situation, the gifts could range from a home-made card expressing love to a diamond ring; either way, if this is your spouse's love language you will find he/she will greatly appreciate anything you give them out of love.

4. "Acts of Service"-Those with this love language will feel most loved when their partners go out of their way to physically perform deeds or services for them. This could range from a husband regularly doing the dishes (without being asked) for his over-worked wife to taking the kids out for the afternoon so the husband can have some "alone time." If your spouse "speaks" this love language helping with the chores, the kids, the errands, the vacation-planning, etc...will show that you truly love him/her.

5. "Physical Touch"-Those with this love language will feel most loved when their partners frequently offer a loving caress or touch (including sex). This obviously seems to be a consistent theme with men, though women can also have this love language. If your partner "speaks" this language, anything from initiating sex regularly to offering a back-rub or hand on the shoulder will be warmly received.

Dr. Chapman knows that expressing the love languages may not come naturally to many people, and most couples will not have the same love language; therefore he has given several suggestions and examples in each chapter. He also gives tips on how to discover each other's languages (including your own) if that happens to be difficult for you. The author incorporates a small profile quiz (one for male, one for female) that can give you an idea of your own love language. The author even dedicates a chapter to discovering and "speaking" your children's love languages. The book lists a site in which a free study guide can be downloaded.

While Dr. Chapman is primarily a Christian-based author, "The Five Love Languages" can benefit anyone of any faith. I recommend this book for those who are already in committed relationships and may need extra help/are on the brink of separation or consistently have relationship problems; yet it would make an especially good gift for a newly-married couple. The author gives many examples of marriages that have not only been saved, but are thriving with the understanding of love languages.

"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman (Paperback, ISBN: 1-881273-15-6) is listed at $13.99 and is 203 pages long (including a "Personal Assessment Tool"). It is published by Northfield Publishing and can be purchased anywhere books are sold.