The Five Love Languages of Teenagers

This is a brief overview of The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, written by Dr. Gary Chapman. Dr. Chapman's premise is that each of us speak in a primary love language. We function best when spoken to in our primary love language. That's how are love tanks are filled. When our love tanks are full we operate at peak performance. The book was originally published in 1973 and it's amazing that the concept put forth still holds true today.

Most experts agree that the key to good parenting is good communication. And most parents would agree that one of the most difficult aspects of good parenting is good communication. This concept is key. What parent of a teenager hasn't asked themselves, "How do I make my kid understand?" Yet, the battle-cry of most teenagers is, "You don't understand me!"

Dr. Chapman's book defines five love languages, shows us how to identify our teen's primary love language, and, most importantly, teaches us how to speak it. Below you will find (in no particular order) a brief overview of each of the love languages.

Quality Time. Every parent has heard of this, but for definition's sake quality time is when you're giving your undivided attention to your teen. A lot has been said in recent years about quality time. It could be taking a walk with your child, playing a board game, or watching a sporting event. Some teens will absolutely bask in this type of attention. But Dr. Chapman contends that if this is not your teen's primary love language your efforts could have the opposite effect than intended. If you plan a lot of special activities and your teen acts like he/she doesn't want to participate, quality time is probably not his/her primary love language.

Gifts.This may be the trickiest of all. All teenagers will love a gift that they've been begging for. But in this venue a gift is any visible, tangible symbol of love. It need not be expensive. Anything from a sentimental photo or a scrapbook page to a special frame or shelf to display their accomplishments is a gift. Gifts should not be bribes, nor should you give in to every material request that your teen makes. If you feel that you buy a lot for your teen and he/she doesn't appreciate it, Gifts is probably not his/her primary love language.

Words of Affirmation. This one is self-explanatory, it's when a parent verbalizes affection, praise, support, comfort, etc. Some teens literally need to hear things like "I love you" and "Good job". If this is your teen's primary love language be careful not to patronize. They'll know when you're being insincere. In addition, a teen who communicates best in this love language is likely to be ultra-sensitive to criticism. Note that all teens need positive words sometimes, but if your teen is generally unreceptive to such displays, Words of Affirmation is probably not his/her primary love language.

Physical Touch. Another self-explanatory category. Some teenagers yearn for a pat on the back, literally. A great big group hug will keep them happy for the rest of the day. Loving expressions of physical touch could include fixing your daughter's hair or playfully sparring with your son. Clearly, physical abuse of any nature is never condoned. It's important to note that even if this is your teen's primary love language, they are often embarrassed if you use physical expression in front of their peers. If your teen recoils when he/she thinks you are going to touch him/her, Physical Touch is probably not his/her primary love language.

Acts of Service. These are the times when you are doing something positive for your teen. This often includes teaching and learning activities like showing your teen how to check the pressure on the tires or leading them through the steps of making a meal. Sometimes they will ask for "favors" that they are quite capable of. They're not asking out of laziness, they're asking you to show your love. It's important not to take on an I-put-a-roof-over-your-head-and-food-on-the-table mentality. That type of negativity is likely to cause resentment. If your teen often sees your help as interference, Acts of Service is probably not his/her primary love language.

The fact of parenting is that most parents do not naturally speak their teen's primary love language. If it's not clear to you which love language is primary to your teen it may be because he/she has a secondary love language as well. Most people do. Once you're able to identify your teen's primary (and secondary) love language you will be able to better communicate with him/her. This will take the mystery out of your relationship and replace it with understanding. This approach can be applied to other areas of your life, as well. Consider your relationships with spouses, co-workers, and peers. In any case, you'll be pleasantly surprised at what happens when the doors of communication are opened.