The Five People You Meet in Every Airport Check-In Line

Airports have a funny way of bringing out the crazy in people. Blame it on the long lines, the jet-lag or the stress that comes with family vacations, but for whatever reason, airports (like traffic jams), seem to turn otherwise sane individuals into raving lunatics. While no one wants to be the unlucky person stuck behind them at check-in, these fruitcake fliers certainly make for some entertaining people-watching. So next time you're at the airport, buy yourself a nine dollar cup of coffee, hop in line and keep on the look-out for the following five characters.

The Cranky Flier

Flying to: A business meeting! A cruise! A wedding!

Most likely to be overheard shouting: "I'm never flying this airline ever again!"

Identified by: His audible sighs of frustration, his disheveled hair and 'slept-in' clothing

The Cranky Flier always has somewhere important to go. And it's always some business meeting or Caribbean cruise that's scheduled to begin precisely two hours before his delayed flight is scheduled to land. The Cranky Flier's number one enemy is the Flight Cancellation, followed closely by the the Flight Delay and so if either of those two are looming in the horizon, watch out.

Cranky Fliers are fairly common and can most frequently be spotted in airport check-in lines during major holiday weekends (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Memorial Day) and during periods of bad weather. The best time for Cranky Flier watching is during a snow or thunder storm or when there's heavy fog. That's when the Cranky Fliers come out in droves.

Cranky Fliers can sometimes be identified by their colorful language as well as their frequent use of the phrase "You don't understand. I have got to get on that flight!"

The Frequent Flier

Flying to: JFK, LAX or IAD

Identified by: His carry-on-sized roller bag (a black TravelPro), the impatient look on his face.

Most likely to be overheard asking: "You got any upgrades you can give me?"

It's a rare treat to spot this type of flier in the check-in line. Usually, if the Frequent Flier is seen in the departure lobby at all, it's at one of the automated kiosks and even that is rare. The Frequent Flier usually avoids the airport check-in process all together by printing out his boarding pass at home and then heading straight to the security line. So if you do spot him in line, it's probably because he's hoping to bamboozle the ticket agent into giving him a free, upgraded seat in First Class.

The Frequent flier flies every month (for business!) and therefore believes himself to be an expert on airline travel. He can typically be overheard arguing with the agent about everything from his seat assignment to his flight's estimated time of departure.

"I just got an email with the new time of departure and it's ETD is now 5:30," he'll insist after the ticket agent has informed him that his flight is now departing at six.

"Well, sir," The agent will reply with a strained smile. "I'm looking at the most up to date information and it says your flight is leaving at six..." He won't be satisfied with this answer though and will whip out his Blackberry, pull up the airline's website and point to the screen emphatically, insisting that he knows more about the airline than the people who work for it.

He's a tricky one to please. He flies too often and is far too familiar with aircraft seat arrangements to be tricked into taking that aisle seat in the emergency exit row or that window seat in row one. He knows that the emergency exit row's seats don't recline and the armrests in the bulkhead don't go down and will hold up the check-in by refusing to sit there.

"I fly you guys all the time," is a favorite line of his. And he'll use it as an argument for anything from why he should be allowed to board the plane plane first to why he's entitled to check that extra bag for free.

The Infrequent Flier

Flying to: Aunt Sally's in Baltimore

Identified by: Her money belt, fanny pack, neck pillow, the three grocery bags full of "snacks for the plane"

Most likely to be overheard asking: "What's the airport code for LAX?'

This is another flier that's rarely seen in the check-in line. That's because the Infrequent Flier is usually lost somewhere half way across the airport.

And in the rare circumstance that she is seen in the check-in line, it's usually for the wrong airline. A fact which she typically doesn't realize until after the ticket agent has spent 15 minutes searching for a reservation that doesn't exist. "Oh, is this not Delta Airlines?" She'll say in surprise, when it eventually occurs to the agent to ask her which airline she's flying with.

"No, mam." The agent will say slowly. "You're in the wrong terminal."

And when (if?) she finally does locate the counter, she usually bypasses the check-in line altogether and heads in a panicked beeline for the nearest uniformed employee.

"Excuse me!" She'll shout, even though she's three inches away from the ticket agent's left ear. "I don't know which line I should get into." She'll say this accusingly, as if the airline placed the multiple, intersecting lines of people before her in a deliberate attempt to confuse her.

"This is the bag drop line," The ticket agent will inform her, resisting the urge to point out the not one, but THREE clearly marked signs that state just that. "It's for passengers who've already checked in online or at a kiosk and who need to check a bag. Did you already check in?"

"Well, I don't know..." The Infrequent Flier will answer uncertainly. She'll look at the line before her uncomprehendingly. "I have the emails you sent me..." And then before the ticket agent can stop her, she's pulled out a binder filled with every confirmation email the airline has ever sent her, beginning with the first one she received, dated back nine months ago.

The Infrequent Flier is notorious for holding up the line with questions about whether security will allow her to bring her blow dryer / slice of pizza / vitamin gel tablets ("but your website said no liquids or gels!") on board with her. She can also be recognized by her monstrously over-sized luggage and the look of shock on her face when she's told that she'll have to pay a fee for any bag that exceeds 50 pounds.

Infrequent Fliers frequently show up to the airport either extremely early...or extremely late. And they're always prone to panic and hysteria, no matter how trivial the problem is.

"What do you mean I can't check in yet?" They'll demand in a huff, when the agent informs them that seven hours and 43 minutes before departure is too early to check-in for a flight. And pray that you're not in line behind them when there's been a gate change, because that is often more than the Frequent Flier can handle.

"I don't understand," they'll frown, stabbing at their boarding pass. "It says on this paper that the plane is leaving at Gate G4." To the Infrequent Flier, the boarding pass is the airline equivalent of the Holy Scripture and therefore the unshakable Truth. Don't bother trying to correct them, you'll only risk becoming a Cranky Flier if you do.

The High Maintenance Flier

Flying to: "Cabo", St. Lucia, anywhere in Southern Florida

Recognized by: Her entourage of 11 designer suitcases...and the porter she hired to carry them for her.

Most likely to be overheard asking: "Could you put fragile stickers on my Louis Vuitton suitcase so that it doesn't get scuff marks on it?"

Maybe she's a grandmother cutting the line to demand to know why the wheelchair she requested 3.4 minutes hasn't arrived yet. Or maybe she's the diva trying to pass her three pet Pekingese dogs as 'service animals' ("I suffer from Aviaphobia"). But no matter what form she takes, the High Maintenance Flier is not a fun person to get stuck behind, because she'll almost always hold up the line with a laundry list of ridiculous demands. Demands that range from "Can you promise me that it won't be raining when we arrive in Florida?" to "You need to call the captain and tell him to hold the plane for me."

Surprisingly, although these types of fliers tend be some of the wealthiest, they also tend to be some of the stingiest as well. "But it's only 17 pounds overweight," they'll say of their 87 pound bag. "Can't you just, like, overlook that one for me?"

The Just Plain High (and / or Drunk) Flier

Flying to: "Me-hi-ko, baby!"

Recognized by: His One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila....Floor T-shirt

Most Likely to be Overheard asking; "Do I have time to go out for a smoke?"

The best time to spot the High (and / or Drunk) Flier is approximately three minutes before the check-in cut-off time. That's usually when the High Flier comes wobbling through door, having undoubtedly just stumbled out of a cab from the nearby bar. While the High Flier is most often seen at night, checking-in for the Red-Eye, it's not unheard of to see him stumble in for the first morning flight either.

Sometimes he's a college student heading to Spring break. Or sometimes he's a tourist, coming down from a celebratory 'last night of vacation' high; about to head home to Denmark or Detroit. But you can easily recognize him by the glassy look in his eye and the slow, deliberate "I'm sober...really. I am" way he hands the agent his passport and luggage.

Typically, the check-in line is the first and last place you'll see the High Flier. Whether it's because his intoxication level is such that he's denied boarding or because he doesn't make it further than the terminal toilet, High Fliers rarely make their flights.