The Food

Hunger is a part of life. Willow's life has always been a series of reasons to be hungry. And thirst, like hunger is in her DNA.

As an eight year old, Willow ate two or three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches late in the night after everyone in the house were asleep. She'd follow the sandwiches up with two oversized glasses of extra sugary Kool-Aid. She'd always added sugar to the drink. Any leftover sugar at the bottom of the glass would be consumed as if it were a drink itself. Willow was hungry.

Her young body was violated. She escaped in the comfort of candy, cookies, and greasy fried foods. Her belly - a protective shield, grew larger with year of her life that flashed by like a bolt of lightning.

As a thirty-something adult, Willow still finds comfort in food. Where is her hunger? Her hunger is in the heart and the mind - it was never her body. The physical manifestation of her hunger shows up in her body.

Sitting at her desk, she can easily consume an entire bag of potato chips and one-half container of French onion dip (nothing fat-free about it).

When Willow is happy, she's not hungry for food. She'll eat something and enjoy it. But she won't crave food for comfort like she would any other time. Willow looks in a mirror on any given day and sees her belly. Her face frowns. It took her awhile to stop frowning. She started ignoring that part of her body altogether. Until, she tried to put on a pair of pants.

From 2006 to 2008, Willow lost about twenty pounds. She practiced yoga, qigong, and dancing. She started to look at the 'real' reasons why she was eating. So, she adapted this new eating style - mindful eating.

She really thinks about the food she's eating. She enjoys it - no matter what it is. She tries not to judge herself.

"Thank you for being good to my body," she says to the food on her plate on a regular basis. She knew if anyone ever heard her speaking to the food this way they'd think she was crazy.

On any given day, Willow could be seen having this kind of conversation.

"I'm hungry."

"Of course you are," the food says. "I'm here for you."

"I know you are. I really want to cut down how much of you I eat."

"No you don't."

"Yes I do."

"Ok, whatever you say. I mean...you are in control of the situation," the food laughs.

"I hate you," Willow says.

"Ooohh, I like when you talk dirty to me. I hate you too."

Willow starts to cry. She grabs the food and starts to eat. Crying. Eating. Crying. Eating.

She's tried vegetarianism several times. She can't seem to hold on to it, although she knows how much better she feels as a result. Everybody seems to think they have the answer for her.

One friend said to her in response to her conversion to vegetarianism in 2007, "Why are you going to do that? You should give your body what it needs."

"But that is what my body needs," Willow said.

"Are you sure?"

What am I an idiot who doesn't know her own body? Why is she talking to me like I'm stupid?

"I'll do it eventually. I feel much better when I eat that way."

Willow got tired of these strange exchanges with people. What's the point of trying to figure out what makes her feel good and trying to apply it to her life if everyone wants to debate her on it? It's her life, right? It's her body, right?

January 2009 is her target month for fully embracing vegetarianism. She enjoys it all - raw foods, vegan foods, cooked foods, etc. She doesn't like how meat makes her feel, even though she's eaten it before.

For Willow, finding her true love has been the deepest place of hunger within her. It was all she could do after Dru left that night when she confessed to not completely raid the refrigerator and cabinets. She did have a smidgen of blackberry merlot, but it was just a swallow. Prior to that night, she hadn't drunk anything since early summer of that year.

Willow didn't like to drink much anyway. "I don't feel connected to the Divine when I drink. I don't like it."

But every once in awhile, she'd take a sip, and Dru liked making rum cake every year for the holidays - very heavy on the light rum, by the way. "Most times I just loosen the wrapper on the cake and sniff it to get a contact high," she'd tell Dru.

Thirst has never been a problem for Willow. Amazingly so, she loves water. It's her drink of choice along with the occasional good cup of gourmet coffee or a good cup of herbal tea like chamomile or peppermint.

One evening, Willow was eating a candy bar when she remembered something her stepdad had said to her once.

"I want to be a model when I grow up," eight year old Willow said.

"You're too fat to be a model," he said.

Something about that memory made her want to grab a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a large glass of extra sugary Kool-Aid. Instead, she'll eat a small tray of Veggie Rolls from The Fresh Market with soy sauce, pickled ginger, and wasabi. Her body actually craves these kinds of foods now. Even when she's hurting inside - this is growth.

She remembers times when she would get off work on a Friday when she used to work at a local bank and buy a pound box of Russell Stover Assorted Chocolates, a two-liter bottle of Pepsi, and a family-size bag of cheese puffs. By Sunday morning, all of that would be gone. She was always 'sick'. She was high on sugar.

It held onto her like the hunger for true love - unconditional love. Occasionally, she'd reach for some sweets - cookies and people at work always had some kind of peppermint or chocolate candy on their desk for her to snatch like the Grinch in Whoville.

Even this past Christmas (2008), she made some flourless peanut butter cookies and ate almost a dozen in one day. Granted, they were small, but you know...a dozen? Wow!

Willow is faithful. Most importantly, this chick is determined. Whatever's been making her hungry won't be an issue for long. Her mind and heart are coming together. They decided to sit down and have a summit for inner peace on New Year's Eve. Her spirit will be writing the peace treaty for them to sign.