The Football Snob's Top 5 Super Bowl Party Musts

Super Bowl Sunday is a national holiday. It may not be recognized by the Federal Government, but they don't recognize much these days when it comes to the thoughts and opinions of the common American citizen. That being said it is the right of every American to enjoy the day anyway they see fit. If that means throwing a Super Bowl party featuring caviar and smoked salmon, so be it, but that's not a party I'm attending. That's a party with one television. That's a party with conversations about kids and religion and politics saturating the air. I don't want my Super Bowl Sunday air saturated with that nonsense. So let me share what one diehard considers the proper way to throw a Super Bowl party, and the five necessary entities (or evils) to doing so.

1.) THE RIGHT PEOPLE -- I'm a Philadelphia Eagles fan. We don't get to the big dance much. We tease and play around it. We're consistently invited to the pre-show playoff party. It's just rare we dance in the big show. In 2004-05 we got over the top, and my friends, the majority of which are season ticket holders, flocked to Jacksonville en masse. For a number of reasons, none more important than I'm a bartender and a writer, I couldn't go. Plus the fact that from what I heard about the city of Jacksonville, I might have enjoyed standing on the levee in New Orleans right before Katrina hit more. That didn't leave me with too many options for how to spend my day. My roommate and I decided to have a party and invited many of the employees of the bar I worked in at the time. It was a large bar. It had a ton of employees. Around 50 of them came.

I had everything in place when the guests started to arrive and leading up to gametime I began to realize that a lot of these people were there in spirit, but didn't really have the vested interest I had in the game. They wore their green, but they didn't exactly bleed it.

By haltime, I decided I had enough and locked myself in my room for the second half. My girlfriend at the time had already had enough to drink and decided a nap on the bed behind my chair inches from the TV was a good idea. She didn't even move as I was screaming at the television as Donovan McNabb vomited his way down the field in the 4th quarter only to come up short. Pre-game we had talked about playing poker and keeping the party going after the game. I came downstairs post-game to find a drunken slew of people who didn't seem all that angry about what had just transpired. I summarily booted them all from my house ala Eddie Murphy in Trading Places, unless they had $40 to buy into a card game.

The point is this -- if you know people are coming to your party that just don't care, make sure there is room for them to stay out of the way of those who do. And if you're a diehard and realize those people are going to outnumber folks like you, don't have the party.

2.) MEAT, MEAT, and MORE MEAT -- Super Bowl Sunday is much like Thanksgiving. It's a day of pure gluttony. It's a day that diehard football fans treat their bodies like an amusement park and deal with the ramifications later, like when they call out of work sick on Monday. Cucumber sandwiches and pate do not belong at my Super Bowl party. I am prone to say that cupcakes do not either, however, I'm a parent now so I'll add the caviat that if it's a kid friendly party, cupcakes are ok. Let's assume though that for the sake of this list we are talking about an adult party.

Chips, dips, snacks, hoagies -- all good. The most important ingredient to a Super Bowl party though, is of course, meat. In the Northeast, it's obviously the middle of winter, but that should not deter you from grilling, smoking, or deep frying any dead animal you can get your hands on. The sauces at your Super Bowl party should drip from your fingers. A case of paper towels should be needed, and ideally, the portions should be smaller so that people's intensity stays high during the game. The difference between Thanksgiving and the Super Bowl is that on Thanksgiving one huge meal renders us useless. On Super Bowl Sunday, the gluttony should spread itself out over a day.

NOTE OF CAUTION: Be careful with sauces. While I am all for the inclusion of hot sauces and tobasco, and the wing is a Super Bowl Sunday staple, be conscious of washing your hands. In 2001, we had a Super Bowl party that featured hundreds of wings. Around the start of the second half, I began to experience pain in an area where men do not want to experience pain. I called my girlfriend into the kitchen and told her I thought I had an issue. I had not slept around and had been with her for years. I was confused, concerned, and wanted it to end mosty so I could get back to watching the game. In her infinite wisdom, she asked me if I went to the bathroom at halftime. I said yes, and the light bulb went on. While I ran my hands under water and used paper towels after eating my allotment of chickeny deliciousness, I apparently did not get them clean enough. Apparently, the mere act of urinating with hands that have lingering traces of hot sauce is not a good idea. I implore you, do not go down that road.

3.) YOU CAN'T HAVE ENOUGH TVs -- In the age of ever-expanding technology, most Americans have several televisions throughout their house. When planning your Super Bowl party, take a look at your house layout. Where will the traffic be? How many people are coming and where will the food be located in respect to the location of what we'll call TV ONE. No matter what room of your house people may enter, there should be a television, save for the small powder room, unless you're extremely motivated.

Also, depending on the layout of your den, basement or living room where TV ONE is located, there should probably be a second TV to ensure perfect viewing angles for all your guests. There should also definitely be a TV near the food, whether the food is set up close to TV ONE or another TV is set up in the kitchen for those loading up on meat.

Seating should also be at a premium. Re-angle couches to give your guests the best view possible. Break the folding chairs out of the garage. Remove excess furniture that may take up possible seating areas. And the ultimate move (usually reserved for guys in their 20s who have piecemeal furniture) is stadium seating. This is achieved by putting tables directly behind a couch and placing another couch on top of those tables to create a stadium effect. NOTE: Having the proverbial drunk of your group seated up there might not be the best idea.

4.) BEVERAGES -- As with most parties, it is up to the host to decide what is served in the way of drinks. If the host drinks Miller Lite, well then suck it up Bud fans that's what you're drinking. Feel free to bring your own, but keep in mind the theme of this party. If the two teams playing conjure up some sort of themed drink, then by all means make a drink called Jet fuel made from vodka, grain and green Gatorade. A drink can be forged into any color with a little experimentation. Mix up a batch, pick out your glass or plastic-ware and have your sideline cooler full ready to rock in time for kickoff. This is not the kind of party where the host is going to play bartender for you and "fix you a drink." It will all be accessible. This is a help yourself kind of day.

We all know though that beer will be the predominant choice for the Super Bowl party goer. My suggestion would be to have your main choice be something universal that nobody can complain about too much. Buying a keg of an IPA and not having much more to offer might not go over well with guests like me who don't like hoppy beers. Go basic, and if you want, grab a case or two of something crafty to have your beer loving friends try.

5.) GET YOUR MONEY OUT -- One way to keep the normally casual fan into the big game is by "making it interesting." There are several ways to do this. The first, and most common, is the Super Bowl block pool. Have your guests show up at least an hour or two before game time and have your 10x10 squared board put together. If you're having 30 people over, they'll easily shell out 15 to 20 bucks to buy 3 or 4 blocks to fill it up. We run one for $10 a block at our work and the girls there throw money at it like their getting a Coach bag for 70% off. Block pools are inexpensive and fun because there is no skill involved. It's all luck of the draw and luck of the score. You'll find that even the most ignorant Super Bowl watcher becomes intrigued, thus inhibiting the chances of a situation described in No. 1. Here are a couple of other ways to keep things interesting:

COIN FLIP: Partner up with someone before the game and choose heads or tails. $20. One wins, one loses, gloating ensues. My buddy Luke and I have done this every year for ten years. We don't deviate. I'm tails. He's heads. Let's just say this -- I am due.

IDIOT POOL: Get ten people to throw in $10 a head. Put the numbers 0 thru 9 in a cup. When the game begins, the person whose number matches the last number of the uniform jersey on the person who scores the first points wins the pot. Repeat this through all 4 quarters if you wish.

PASS THE CUP: This game requires you to bring a stack of ones to the party without having your wife think you're going to a strip joint to watch the game. At the start of the game, the person holding the cup says a football term. For example, OFFSIDES. They put a dollar in the cup. The cup is then passed each play and a dollar added until that football term comes to fruition on the field during the game. The person that wins restarts the game with a new term. Any money left over goes to the person holding the cup on the LAST snap of the game. Just be careful with using rare occurences like safeties. It's more fun if the cup gets reloaded every now and then.

So there you have a football snob's Super Bowl party. The point is, of course, have a great time and get home safely. Here's to hoping that if your team isn't in it, you at least get some money out of it!