The Frugal Life and the Fine Line Between Common Sense and Bat Guano Crazy

I am a self-professed cheap-skate, but the behavior of the truly miserly put me to shame. Here are some crazy, miserly things people really do.

Separating toilet paper
People indeed take the time to peel apart 2-ply toilet paper into two single-ply rolls. I honestly don't know how this saves money. It just makes people use twice as much. I've never gone this far because I have an unbendable rule in life: You are never too poor to buy the good toilet paper. If you adopt this rule, I promise you will never regret it.

This is for the kids out there. Gather round. Come in close. Kids, with age comes all sorts of wonderful changes, experience, wisdom, knowledge, and an increasingly colonicly-focused outlook on life. One day, you too will measure your good days by your bowel movements. Get the good TP and you'll have many happy days ahead.

Soap chips
Are you tired of wasting soap just because it's too small to handle? Here's a tip. Combine all your bar soap leavings in a nylon stocking and give them a second life. This is a great idea if you use the same brand of soap. Around my house, we have lots of little specialty soaps of various and sundry scents. I'm pretty sure combining those into one large lump would bring the EPA and the Haz-Mat Response Unit directly to my bathroom. I have no desire to be patient zero in the outbreak that destroys the world.

However, I find the pre-measured pump of super-concentrated liquid soap is overkill for washing hands. I can't seem to convince anyone else in the house that they don't need a full pump load, but the jokes on them. I secretly water down all the liquid soap dispensers in the house. Don't act surprised. I told you at the beginning of this that I'm cheap.

Zippity do-da you metal head
Washing and re-using zip-lock bags and aluminum foil is a great way to save money. It's also a great way to contract a disgusting bacterial infection. If not drained and dried thoroughly, plastic bags are a just a petri dish. Reusing washed foil just doesn't strike me as frugal enough. Real misers melt their old aluminum foil down and build things...things like hats.

Unbendable life rule #7: Never trust a foil hat made by someone else. Nut jobs make their own foil hats. Miserly paranoids make their hats out of re-smelted Reynolds Wrap^TM. Nothing is more embarrassing than having left-over egg salad on your brain blocker. Thoroughly melting the aluminum ensures your hair remains tuna salad free.

Let there be dark
Replacing all your 60-Watt light bulbs with the ultra-soft glow of a 25-Watt bulb can lower your energy bill. The downside is the money you'll spend at the optometrist. The eye strain you experience will have you in Coke-bottle-thick glasses in about 18 months.

Today's misers use compact florescent light bulbs (CFLs). A 25-Watt CFL puts out the same light as a 75-Watt incandescent bulb. Same light, lower power bill. The trade-off is disposal. CFLs contain small amounts of mercury and should be disposed of accordingly.

Two years ago, I replaced every bulb possible at my house with CFLs and lowered my electric bill $20 per month. I didn't do it to love the Earth or because Al Gore worked up a sweat. I did it because I'm a cheap bastard. CFLs also last much longer than incandescents. This frees up your schedule for other miserly pursuits.

I thought I was cheap
If you ask my kids, I definitely am. If you ask my wife, you get varied responses. She doesn't seem to remember the huge ring I gave her for our anniversary. All I hear is, "Where's my birthday present? I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas. Here's another credit card bill." If I keep watering down the liquid soap, maybe I can afford that weekend get-away she wants.