The Grand Unified Theory of Stupidity

In the previous posting, The Five Fundamental Laws of Stupidity, it was hinted that stupidity, along with the strong and weak nuclear and electromagnetic forces; plus gravity, comprised the five basic forces of the universe. In fact, it can be shown that at one time in the very early history of the universe these five forces were actually united into a single force.

This concept is known as the Grand Unified Theory of Stupidity (GUTS), which itself is the logical extension of Superstupidity Theory.

According to GUTS in the period beginning at the precise instant of the Big Bang (also known as the Big Stupidity), and lasting for about 10^-43 seconds, there was but a single fundamental force in the universe: superstupidity. As the universe expanded and cooled, stupidity was the first fundamental force to "break away," or "decouple," from the other forces. Gravity was the next to decouple, and was soon followed by the strong and weak nuclear forces and then by the electromagnetic force. This leads directly to the first principle of GUTS.

I. Since only stupidity was present in the very early universe the other fundamental forces, and even matter itself, must have formed from stupidity.

At the quantum mechanical level, the fundamental nature of stupidity becomes obvious. The famous Pauli Exclusion Principle can be used as an example.

According to Pauli, you cannot know both a particle's position and momentum. You can, however, know one of the two. Since you cannot know where the particle will be in the future without knowing both its current position and momentum, attempting to predict the future behavior of the particle is an exercise in stupidity. Stupidity must therefore exist in very small quantities. Scientists have named these incredibly small packets of stupidity stupidons.

Gravity itself can be explained in terms of stupidity.

It has been known since antiquity that any object, left unsupported, will fall down and never fall up despite numerous efforts to legislate that it do so. If matter is composed of stupidity, and since stupidity is always attracted to other stupidity (as will be proven in Denver next week), gravity is nothing more that stupidity that cannot be ignored.

Once stupidity was accepted as the basic unit of nature, scientists used this principle to solve one of the great mysteries of the universe: why do galaxies, and even systems of galaxies, behave stupidly?

Galaxies, as we know, are big bundles of stars that rotate around a common center. The speed at which the stars rotate about that common center should be constantly decreasing with the distance from the center of the galaxy. There was only one small problem: every observation proved that the velocities remained the same, no matter where the star was located.

In order for this to occur, gravity must be supplying the additional energy. But where was the matter that would be responsible for supplying the gravity? There was only one explanation: the matter was there, except that it couldn't be seen. This was the discovery of dark matter, which is felt to compose 95% of the universe.

Superstupidity, as we have seen, has shown that sine everything in the visible universe is composed of stupidity. It is only logical to assume that everything in the invisible universe, the so-called dark matter, is also composed of stupidity. This leads to the second principle of GUTS.

II. 95% of the known universe is composed of a mysterious substance known as dark stupidity.

Dark stupidity cannot be seen or measured directly but its presence can be inferred from it s actions on other objects as is the case with the observed rotational characteristics of galaxies. There are, however, other examples of the effects of dark stupidity. Some of the more common phenomena influenced by dark stupidity are:

Politics and Diplomacy

Football

Marriage

Career Choices

These observations, among countless others, lead the third principle of GUTS.

III. Since stupidity is the fundamental unit of nature, all natural objects are subject to the previously stated Five Fundamental Laws of Stupidity. Thus, any natural object is inherently stupid.

So much for intelligent design. It looks like Ben Stein will have to find another hopeless cause to champion.