The Great Divorce Wars

"Mom, dad says if it's okay with you it's okay with him." How many of us as parents have heard this from our children? More than likely if you have a child you have been fed this line at one time or another. Kids see this as a great opportunity to divide and conquer the upper management system. This kind of "absent communication," (you think you're communicating but you're really not.) has been prevalent in our families for decades. In today's society, however, with it's divorce rate soaring to an all time high our kids have discovered this method and a myriad of others to utilize in getting their way.

Divide and conquer has been one of the best military strategies of all time. The theory is that if you can get the opposing troops to break ranks you can then infiltrate and conquer them. Children have been wonderful students of this theory, especially in divorced homes. For example; dad lives elsewhere and only sees the kids on the weekend. When he has the kids they tell him how lenient mom is and about all of the wonderful things she does for them. Of course dad can't be seen as the wet blanket so in order to look good to the kids he gives them more than what he believes his ex-wife is. Problem is, she isn't really doing all of those things. When the kids go back home to mom and she sees what dad has done she gets angry because he is undermining her authority. So she thinks. Mom is angry, dad is confused and the kids get everything they have ever wanted. Sound familiar? This is a method applied by children everywhere and they are getting away with it.

Another more serious example is the conflict factor. What takes place here is the child or children have realized how much mom and dad can't stand each other. What takes place is a fueling of the fire. Each parent gets different complaints about the other parent. This serves to make communication between the two parents virtually impossible due to the anger they are sharing for what the children have said. Children are smart, smarter than we give them credit for. They figure all of the ins and outs about divorce in the first two or three weekend transfers.

How can you assure that your children are not "playing" mom and dad? The over all answer is simple. We as parents have to be adults about divorce. Divorce means that mom and dad couldn't live together so afterwards why let leftover resentment get in the way of raising children? Communication is important in a marriage but it is doubly important in child rearing. Kids today are counting on you and your ex-spouse not talking. The less talking parents do the less talking childern will have to do. The following are some suggestions as to how you can pull ranks with your ex and conquer divorce parenting.

1. Communication. Now more than ever communication is important. One out of every five children in this country states that they can't talk to their parents. Where do you think they learn this dysfunction?

2. Pay attention. Pay attention to what your child is saying, what he or she is really saying. Is this the way you remember your ex-spouse being?

3. Ask questions. If a child has said something to you that sounds like the other parent is undermining you, ask the other parent. You may be surprised at what you find out.

4. Don't let your children see any animosity between you and your ex. If they see division it will only tempt them to create more.

5. Don't worry about what the other parent is doing for the kids. Children can't play two parents who refuse to compete with each other.

Raising children is hard enough in a split family. When we carry the differences of our marriages over into our divorces our kids suffer. We are the examples they follow. If they see discord and non-communication they will emulate the same.