The Great Outdoors: The Hunter -vs- Nature

A good friend of mine who is considerably younger than I am, named Todd, has always been an outdoorsman and a hunter. Although he lived for some time in Maryland, he later moved to West Virginia. He enjoys the fresh air and the forests, as well as game meat. Although he enjoys this way of life and has had many pleasant experiences engaging in his favorite activities, he's had some experiences he did not care for. Humor being what it often is-laughing at the misfortunes of others when they aren't too serious-I thought I'd relate to you just a couple of them.

I'm Bringing Home a Baby Bumble Bee

You've seen the Bugs Bunny cartoon featuring Beaky Buzzard? In that episodes, his mother-a buzzard with an exaggerated Hispanic accent-boots him out of his nest-tree, sending him on a mission to get capture a rabbit for supper. As he merrily flaps along, he spies Bugs Bunny below, and the shenanigans begin.

One day, Todd was out in his new pair of boots-costly ones! As he came over a hill, who'd imagine he, like Bugs Bunny, would confront a circle of buzzards bending over some malodorous carrion? When one of them saw Todd, it expressed its disdain over the confrontation, and spat some evil, bacteria-infested, fermented mess upon the hallowed new boots. The smell was outrageous-horrible! Todd was totally grossed out and went home to clean the boots. He cleaned them and he cleaned them. Over the period of about a year he continued to clean them. At last, he gave it up as a lost cause and tossed them...

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

On another occasion, after Todd settled down with his wife and two children in Virginia, he came across a large rattlesnake on his property. Now Todd informed me he didn't want to kill the snake, but in order to protect his children, he decided to do so in this instance. Besides, Todd had learned over the years how to take advantage of a situation to add to the family income, so he decided he'd sell the skin. To that end, he obtained a large stone and hurled it at the snake's head, killing it. He then took the limp snake and tossed it into the back of his truck.

As the evening approached, Todd ate, and dressed in a nice suit to attend a religious meeting. He went to the back of the truck, looking in. Suddenly he was "sprayed" by the snake, which obviously was not dead! Covered with a stench no more pleasant than that from the buzzard-spit, Todd withdrew in defeat. I wonder whatever happened to those clothes?

In Conclusion

I can see I'm going to have more discussions with friend Todd, to see what other experiences hunters and outdoorsmen have, but which they are generally unwilling to relate to John Q. Public. If he relates any other juicy ones, I'll be sure to let you know.