The Great Pyramid of Giza--An Ancient Product Review

In the quaint little village of Giza is where I live with my uncle Kufu (aka Cheops) the Pharaoh of all you see beneath the holy sun god Amen-Ra. My uncle was getting up in his years and was making out his will and testament.

I saw this as an opportunity to get back in his good graces after the sphinx fiasco. I suggested that he immortalize himself with a pyramid. I told him that when he dies (of natural causes, of course, and not conspiracy), that I would see to it that his servants are also killed so they will join him in the afterlife.

I also informed him that his great treasure (minus a 10% commission for yours truly) would be sealed in the pyramid's tomb with him, and he would be able to spend it in the land of the dead and write reviews.

He liked the idea! In fact he told me to get right on it! I then immediately proceeded to shop around for a pyramid kit. I found the best deal at Ra-Mart. Unlike other stores, Ra-Mart said they would do the mummification of my uncle free of charge!

Product Information:

The pyramid is cordless and wireless. No batteries or outlets required. It comes with a 5000 year warranty. There is some assembly required. The kit includes 2.3 million stone blocks weighing a total of 5.9 million tons, and an instruction manual written on a papyrus scroll.

This pyramid when fully assembled is 280 cubits tall. Each base side is 440 cubits. It has a slope angle of 51 degrees. It is one big-ass pyramid!

There are many tunnels leading to the inside of the pyramid. The inside walls come with inscriptions and graffiti. There are three main chambers. These are arranged centrally, on the vertical axis of the pyramid.

My Experience

Me and a gang of 100,000 slaves tried to follow the directions in the instruction manual. The manual was a joke! Written in hieroglyphics! It took the Rosetta Stone to translate the lame stick-figure drawings into plain Egyptian! As a result it took us 25 years to assemble the damn thing!

For awhile there, we weren't sure we would get the damn thing assembled before the birth of Christ! One of my wives divorced me because she thought I was taking her for granted. "You spend too much time with that stupid pyramid!" she nagged. Guys, you know what I'm talking about.

Assembling the bricks was also a hassle. They weighed a ton! We had to haul them on a sledge! Holy Amen-Ra! You would think some egghead would have invented the wheel by now! Jeeez!

We entombed my aunt, the queen, in the central chamber...or was it my uncle? It's hard to say--all mummies look alike. Oh well, they're dead anyway. What difference does it make? It's not like they can sue me.

My uncle's chamber has an entrance too small for his sarcophagus to fit through. WTF! I contacted Ra-Mart's tech support. After being on hold for half a sundial, I finally got some technical advice .

The solution was to lower the sarcophagus into the chamber from the roof. We took the roof off his chamber, filled the chamber completely with dirt, placed the sarcophagus on top of the dirt pile, then we removed the dirt gradually so the sarcophagus would be lowered down into the chamber. Once all the dirt was removed, we put the roof back on.

Centuries from now, archaeologists will scratch their heads wondering how we got that big, honking thing into such a tight, little (?) hole.

Final Thoughts

It shall be written that this pyramid is rated three stars. Sure, it's big, it's colossal, it is one of the seven wonders of the world. However, it was a pain in the Ra to assemble, the instruction manual was a joke--and grave robbers stole the treasure along with many of the stones.

Finally, Ra-Mart went out of business; so there is no way to take advantage of the 5000 year warranty.