The Greatest Article Ever Written: Part I

I will confess that when I sat down to write "The Greatest Article Ever" I had high hopes. With just a few key strokes I thought I would be able to eloquently address some of the greatest social ills of our time and with wit and style mobilize the masses to strike out against some of the greatest failings occurring on a global level. Surely I was up to the task to share with you the horrors of Human Trafficking and Slavery. Explain how even here in America this is a real problem that should be addressed. Or, maybe I could find just the right words to make everyone finally agree that abortion is wrong and that it is imperative that we protect the lives of the unborn. If those were insurmountable, maybe I could simply provide a thoughtful explanation for my beliefs that everyone would love to read and forward to their friends. But, I realized that I am not that good of a writer.

So, I came to the conclusion that maybe the article doesn't need to be about social injustices and insurmountable societal problems. Maybe the greatest article ever written could simply be humorous. I could easily write a few paragraphs about how every time I get behind the wheel of the car, if I don't pay attention, I get to the point where I have to exclaim, "Where the heck am I?" Even though I have lived in the same city for over...well just about all my life. If that didn't provide enough material I could definitely start sharing my stories of attempted home improvements.

But, that didn't seem to flow very well either. Who wants to take time out of their busy day and read about how it took me forty five minutes to figure out how to get my garden hose into one of those garden hose holder thingys with wheels? Just wasn't what I felt an article of this caliber was calling for.

Obviously, I needed an earth shattering interview with one of Hollywood's or the music industry's best and brightest stars. Maybe like the interview I did with Kenny Chesney, only this time, I would make it real! My only problem is that I don't know anyone famous or anyone who knows anyone who is famous. Okay, that even made my brain hurt. Where's my six degrees of Jennifer Love Hewitt?

It is painfully obvious at this point that the reason an article of this magnitude has never been written before is because this type of article is hard to come by. Like the magnificent jaguar, it is truly elusive. That doesn't mean we give up. Just like Jack Shephard on Lost I have to shout from my drunken hazy stupor, "We have to go back, Kate! We have to go back to the island!" Because on the "island", which is now a surprisingly convenient metaphor, I can find what I need to write about.

I just hope for both your sake's and mine that I don't get lost getting there or come back deluded enough to think that the greatest article ever written could be about my favorite football team! That would be depressing. Not as depressing as an article detailing the achievements of Nancy Pelosi, but still depressing.