The Greatest Gifts to Give Elderly Parents or Friends!

What can you give your elderly friends or parents at Christmas and on birthdays? This dilemma becomes even more difficult, if they are living in a nursing facility. Here are some ideas that will warm their hearts and make them feel loved.

1. Give your elderly parent or friend time and attention in the attitude of love, not obligation. The holidays are grim for the elderly. Often, the elderly get very few visitors, if any. Christmas is a sad time for many of them who have lost their spouse and in some cases, even out lived their children. Most suffer from mild to severe dementia. Being your parents care giver is stressful and hard at times. It is a difficult task after hours of care, to give them your attention with a smile. At Christmas time, there is even more responsibility and pressure. So as I write this article, I do know how difficult your life is. I am going to ask even more from you. When you visit your parent in a facility, take a few minutes and give a smile or hug to the other residents. Take a minute out of your rushed schedule and ask them how they are feeling and listen to their response. Make a point to tell them how pretty they look. If they can't speak, tell them that they are loved and that God is there with them. Adopt two or three that have no family and give them flowers or some little trinket for Christmas. Stop by everyday to visit. They will be so blessed by the gift of your time and attention.

Years ago, I spent a lot of time with a couple in a nursing home. In between visits to my friends, I spent time with three women that I adopted on that same floor who received few visitors. They were down on that 3^rd floor called skilled nursing and all were in their last weeks. It was one of the most difficult but rewarding times in my life. There were so many residents on this 3^rd floor that were calling out to be touched and it was heart breaking. The hugs, smiles, and words of comfort I gave them, made a huge difference in the quality of their life and in mine. When they all died within a short period of time, I knew I had given them what they needed most, some love and attention.

2. Visit them with the attitude of patience and kindness. The means overlooking all the declining mental and physical abilities that cause them to feel helpless and dependent. Their inability to control their bodily functions is embarrassing and humiliating to them. With your eyes and tone of voice let them know you understand, and that it's ok. In their mind, they often feel they are a burden in your life. It's up to you to show them that they are still important to you and the family. Adopt the attitude of true acceptance, love and kindness. One day you will be in that same place. How would you like to be treated? Let go of the history teacher attitude. Don't correct them when they have dates or time periods incorrect. What does it matter at this point? The idea is to listen and share, not correct them on the events of the past.

Years ago, I spent time with a man who had been a famous builder. He was lost in the time period when he was around 50 and very successful. He had traveled the world with his wife and built many of the buildings in the area. Whenever I walked into his room, I was either his dead wife, his girlfriend, son or partner. He was never in the present. He was great company and would describe the trips they had gone on and details on the buildings he had designed. He kept me on my mental toes trying to figure out what role I was playing at each visit. He had an imaginary dog in his room, and I played along with the script that only he knew. I shared his world at his level. I entered his world on these visits.

3. Give them CDs from the old days. You can buy old musicals, old western movies, comedy skits such as I love Lucy or TV reruns from the 40's and 50's.

4. Buy them a CD of their favorite music or a audio book. What you bring them all depends on their physical and mental abilities. If you give them a CD player, make sure they are capable of using it. If it is a remote, the same thing applies. It is extremely frustrating and upsetting to them when they can't make it work. Remember, often there is shortage of personnel so the nursing staff will not have the time to help them. Buy a simple machine and then label the buttons as well or color code them to help them remember what they are for.

5. With women its a wonderful treat to curl and style their hair in an attractive way. If you have no talent, pay to have it styled. It gives a woman great joy that is sick and bed bound to have their hair done.

6. Get them a new shirt or new Christmas blouse so they feel less ordinary. Bright colors brighten the mood.

7. Buy a flower for their room to give it some Christmas cheer or a small lighted tree.

8. Buy them a stuffed animal in the shape of a dog and cat. On entering the nursing home, most of them had to give up their beloved pets. Giving them a stuffed animal gives them comfort in their loneliness and pain. They even have stuffed animals that move when you pet them and make purring noises.

9. Most elderly patients are always cold because of a lack of circulation so knit or buy them a new, brightly colored lap warmer.

10. Bring the grand children or the neighbors' children over for a visit. Many of the elderly deeply miss not seeing or hearing the laughter of the little ones. I know it is not the cheeriest place to bring children, but it's good for them to learn how to give service to others. Have them draw a picture or get well card to give as a gift. Bring the family dog into the facility, if they will allow it. Pet therapy works wonders and is approved by many facilities.

11. Take them out to see the Christmas lights or to a musical Christmas performance in your community. If they can be taken out, it is such a huge treat and blessing. It may be their last opportunity to see something special as their time grows near. If they are bed-bound, bring a Christmas video or watch one on TV with them.

12. Take videos of the kids and spend several hours watching it with them. Spend a whole afternoon showing them the old family pictures. Memories are the only thing they have left. Their present has pain and the future is only days or hours. Their past is comforting and a distraction to the unending pain and reality. Talk to them about fun, happy memories when you were a child. Let them know how much you loved the pies they made or the gifts they sewed or the times you did things together. Put together a memory book to leave at their bedside to help them pass the time when no one is there. Help them to record your family history on CD or leave messages for the family that can't be there. I know that I cherish the CD my mom left us. To hear her voice and words is comforting.

13. Give them special treats that normally they are not allowed to have. I think it is sinister that nursing homes do not allow special food treats to their patients who are usually dying anyway. What does it matter, a treat of chocolate? Take them in a special dinner or take them out if possible for Christmas. Hire a caregiver to help you if you can't manage them physically yourself.

14. Play games and give them magazines with pictures: National geographic and various travel magazines are great because of the pictures. Often, when they can't comprehend the articles because of dementia, they still love to look at pictures. Kids large piece puzzles can be used by some people in the early stages of dementia. I was friends with a man who did very well at them. The memory and how it fades is different with each person. What games and activities they are capable of doing is a day to day question. It is good to stimulate them mentally as long as they don't get frustrated and upset. Most games can be simplified for the level of the individual playing.

If is a male, watch a game with him or discuss the latest sports news and games. Take him a sports magazine and discuss different topics. Play chess or cards. All card games can be brought down to the level of the patient from hangman to word games. You just use simple words or rules.

15. Massage their hands or back with lotion. Give them a manicure, and then paint their nails with polish.

16. Make them a special patchwork comforter for their bed or buy one. It makes them feel loved.

17. Bring the family into their room for a party. Try to get all the family there, if they are in the last weeks of life. The money is better spent on a visit before their death to brighten their remaining days, than a visit to the funeral home later. Sometimes people hold on to life just so they can see someone one last time. Let them have that last gift. If you are uncomfortable in nursing homes, get out of your discomfort and concentrate on giving them some last happiness. You need to put their needs above yours.

18. If you have musical talents or can play the piano, give of your time. The lives the elderly lead in these facilities are often boring. It is a great gift to involve them in a sing along or special dance skit. I have seen some real talent all given freely and in love.

19. If your father or mother was not the best parent, forgive them and let them know that you do. Forgiveness benefits you as much as the one you forgive. Don't let them go to the grave thinking that you hate them or hold the past against them. Let them go to the grave with some peace. Most of our parents raised us the best they were capable of. They made mistakes as we did with our own children. Even if they were alcoholics, they did their best. Let all of that go and when you do, your life and heart will be blessed and your shoulders will feel lighter.