The Greatest Impact

I'm five. I'm sitting on the couch in my living room and my parents are out to dinner. My brothers are somewhere else. I'm left alone with him. He pulls me onto his lap; I can hear his heavy breathing. Curious George is on the television and I stare at that little monkey the whole time he has me in his lap, but I'm not really watching it. My mind has escaped my body and as soon as he touches me I store the memory away, never to be brought back to life until eight years later. I'm sad to say that the teenage boy who molested me when I was five has had the greatest impact on me.

It's not so much about what he did- it's what I've had to deal with because of it. My life turned upside down during my eighth grade year. I was depressed and I had no idea why. I was ashamed of the way I felt because I had no explanation for it. It was at church one Sunday when I finally remembered what had happened. The pastor said, "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." And I had to leave the room. It hit me. It hit me like a punch to the stomach that knocks the wind out of you. My mind was racing with thoughts of anger and sadness and I just couldn't comprehend what I had realized. Shock took over me until we got home. I ran straight to my room and I didn't stop crying until I fell asleep three or four hours later.

I was forever changed and I didn't even know it. The next two years of my life were so excruciating, I didn't think I would even make it through the depression. The flashbacks, the daydreams, the nightmares-it was all too much for me to handle. Counseling is what saved me. Without it, I don't know where I'd be right now. So many people who are victims of any type of sexual abuse end up in less than favorable situations throughout the rest of their life. I'm so thankful that I've been given a chance to start over and grow from my experience. It's still hard to deal with even after all these years and it doesn't help that other things have happened too. But even after the Hell I went through, I don't hate him for what he did to me. I've forgiven him completely and the impact he's had on me is no longer devastating. What he did to me has made me stronger than I could have imagined.

His impact will always be there, no matter how hard I try to escape it. So I've changed my outlook on all the bad things he has caused in my life. I'm no longer angry at the world, I don't feel sorry for myself, the things that have happened to me are what have made me into the person I am today: a fighter, a compassionate human being, and most of all a survivor. My past will not control the rest of my life and neither will the teenage boy who had the "greatest" impact on me.