The Hall of Lust: Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus makes really bad music. Her singing voice sometimes sounds like a muppet projecting the words out of its nose instead of its mouth. She is also a terrible actress. Visually, the only thing she truly has going for her is the fact that she can afford a team of beautifiers who gunk her up beyond her age. Usually they are able to do it without making her look like a transvestite. The fact that she is young is the draw. I'm no pedophile, but older men are supposed to lust after jailbait. It's natural, any historian or scientist who watches porn knows this to be true. Mandy Moore and Britney Spears were young when they became celebrities and they drew an audience of creepy old men, but I did not get the pleasure of experiencing that! I was not much older than they were when they came out. So, Miley Cyrus is what my generation has been given and darn it we'll take it and any pervert label you want to throw at us. I guess. Consider it as I'll settle for it until someone younger and prettier comes out when I am older and dirtier. Miley is over eighteen as I write this, by the way.

I watched Miley Cyrus host Saturday Night Live for the first time in 2011 and it was really the first time I had ever gotten any extended look at her in big screen plasma HD. I have bad posture and a chicken nugget or alien shaped head of sorts, therefore, I can say this without it being considered mean: Miley Cyrus' head seemed kind of like a beaten melon floating in front of her body. Is she destined to become a hunchback? I was confused about her apparent lack of neck and worried that her eyeballs were going to slide off of her potentially melting face. Does that still sound mean even though I admit I'm not John Q handsome? Well, Miley Cyrus was especially mean while she was doing that Saturday Night Live hosting gig. I thought her jabs at Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen were unfriendly. Therefore, I don't feel too mean myself. She's rich and can go take a hit off of a bong if I hurt her feelings.

Miley Cyrus currently has a power over older men and she knows how to work it. It is disgusting, but therein lies the lust as well. You want a compliment: she's got pretty eyes when the camera is looking down, and making it seem like they line up right, looking up at you. We all know what kind of look that is and she knows it too, has to.

There you have it, me saying everything I can to show I am not attracted to the Miley Cyrus I see on television. Yet, still she lands in the Hall of Lust. Still she tickles a hormone or two. I don't think she will be a lasting fantasy though for much of anyone. Over time I expect she will become Susan Boyle-ish in appearance and unless we all evolve into trolls I doubt that ever becomes the new "sexy" look. Of course, we are all getting fat and saying jerk things about each other on the Internet, perhaps trolls is indeed the next link on the chain. I hope we choose to do the right thing when the time comes and hang ourselves with that chain.