The Hand Model

It was about quarter to 6 in the evening when I suddenly got the hankering for my all time favorite snack, crackers, sardines and catsup. umm, umm. I wanted to be ready to go when my T.V show,Trout master came on, hosted by Cornelius J Salmone. Haven't missed an episode in 5 years. I knew had to hurry as the dollar general closes at 6.

I got there at about 1 minute to 6. Dolly the cashier saw me coming, and bolted for the door to lock it!. Not this time sweetie pie as I stuck my foot in the door and pointed to the clock. She grudgingly let me in. I quickly grabbed my crackers, sardines and catsup, and still made it ahead of the last customer. I stuck my hand out to get my 13 cents change, when the lady behind me started coming on to me! She said I had very very nice hands. I was dumfounded. I've heard a lot of pick up lines in my day but this lady was a pro. She had me hook line and sinker! She flipped me her card and asked if I'd ever done hand modeling before.

She was from N.Y. and she was fast. She took hold of my hand and gently massaged, my wrist to my fingertips. I told her I watched a lot of fishing shows, and she said she could tell. She said my hands were perfect. Looking at her card it read, Thelma Throttle, Elite Models Inc, Dept "Exquisite Hands". She told me to apply some Jergens and meet her tommorrow at the Sarasota Hilton, with my portfolio. I said 8pm sounds fine to me. My wife was asleep when I returned, so I went to the shed to apply the Jergens, as not to awaken her. I could hear Cornelius J Salmone doing his narration in the distance. I went to bed early that night with dreams of the big money that Thelma had only hinted at. I called her around noon to ask about this portfolio. Geez, I realized I'd have to borrow the rent money to get these various shots of my hands at all different angles and positions. Was it worth it? You bet! I got my "hand portfolio" in a couple hours, thanks to the photographer Thelma recommended. A bargain to, I was told at only 900.00 dollars. Jason,(the photographer), would personally deliver these "fantastic" hand shots to Thelma herself. He said, "This will give her time to decide which commercials, my hands and fingers would be right for, and also with the contract signing, a good possibility of a royalty advance". Be there at 8 sharp. I said alrighty then. I went home elated, I had made the big time.

I didn't dare tell my wife just yet as she would think I'm some kind of moron and not believe me anyway. There was also the slight detail about the rent money. I was'nt worried because I knew that once she saw that stylish Timex around my luscious wrist, staring back at her from the cover of G.Q. magazine, all would be forgiven. In any case I had a few hours to kill before my"date with destiny". I called my bulldog sparky over ready to toss the old ball with him. I go to pet him and the friggin dog bites the dogshit out of my right hand!, and I mean bites! The dog went ape shit on both my hands!. Now I got blood everywhere meat hanging from my fingers and some friggin Jewish doctor stitching me up like Frankenstein. Then he says " I don't tink yor dog likes Jerkins Lotion". Geezez H Christ, I gotta career! What am I gonna tell Thelma?, Shit, what am I gonna tell my wife about the rent? Well after a beating I aint had since my Daddy came home from the coal mine back in "72' . (He tripped over and discovered my collection of "Bondage and Dominion magazine" ) which was,discreetly stashed in the woods.He beat the dog piss out me,because along with the mags,was his jar of vasiline.

In any case, after we got evicted the Hurricane hit. So now the wife and I are sitting in this luxurious Fema trailer awaiting the arrival of the "Meals on wheels".