The Hard Truth About the War of 1812

With the 200 year anniversary of the War of 1812 only 6 years off, it is time for America to face up to its shame. We have been denying it for years, even Nicholas Plagman in his article War of 1812: A Humorous Look at US History (Part 5): Return of the Brits, fails to make mention of the fact. And that fact is that we, the almighty and all powerful United States of America, lost a war to Canada.

For those of us living in the 21^st century, it is hard to see the draw that the early Americans had towards Canada. We see it for what it is: a bleak, depressing, horrible frozen wasteland, completely unsuitable for life. Imagine Buffalo times infinity.

But in those early years of our nation, Canada was seen as a land of milk, honey and beaver pelts. And if there was one thing Americans needed, it was more land. And while the west was just barely beginning to be settled, the United States was looking for land wherever they could get it.

Our first attempts to invade Canada came during the American Revolution, during the battle that you never learned about in history class, the Battle of Quebec. A rather poor attempt by the Revolutionaries to take Quebec, it has been quietly forgotten in most American history texts. One would have thought we would have learned our lesson, but Americans have never been particularly strong in history.

The Coming of the Neo-Cons (I mean Warhawks)

By 1812, a new breed of politicians and pundits were at work in Washington, especially in Congress. They called themselves the Warhawks (Terminology which remains to this day, which is why we call anyone who supports war a hawk). Their goal: declare war on Britain and invade Canada.

A few of these Warhawks (whose names might have been Rumsfeld or Bush, but don't quote me on that), figured invading Canada would be an easy thing. After all, Great Britain was busy fighting Napoleon, and British troops in the Canadian provinces were few and far between. In fact, the Warhawks were convinced that the only people left to defend Canada were a couple of French guys and a Newfie named Gord.

Of course, the Canadians most likely wouldn't put up any fight at all, but welcome the United States into their lands. Who wouldn't want to become part of this new nation, the greatest nation on Earth. As soon as a few American troops showed up the Canadians would all come out of their igloos, start throwing all the frozen flowers they could find and singing praises to their liberators. No trouble at all!

Things were not going well between the US and Great Britain anyway. Britain never was really happy about the fact that they had lost the Revolution, and had no problem impressing American sailors for use in the fight against Napoleon.

It made a perfect argument for declaration of war against Britain, which would then lead to the invasion of Canada. Not everyone in the country was ecstatic about it (not everyone was sure what Canada was, exactly), but nobody liked the illegal impressment of American sailors, so Congress was able to muster up enough support to declare war and put their plans into action.

Wars and Rumors of Wars

Once war was declared, invasion could begin. The few British troops in Canada went immediately to action, Canadian militias, both English speaking Canadians (most of whom had been Americans just a couple of decades earlier, the Tory traitors) and French were formed. Also fighting against the Americans were a number of Native tribes.

The American military was a mess from day one, with poor commanders unable to find enough troops or organize them into any sort of effective fighting force. The armies were to attack Detroit, Niagara and Montreal in a simultaneous assault, overwhelming the Canadian forces. Unfortunately, things did not go exactly as planned.

Never ones to give up, the Americans returned again in 1813. This time things went a little bit better. We plunged into Upper Canada, managing to burn the capital of Upper Canada at York (now Toronto), and occupying Fort Niagara.

It is at Niagara that one of the Canadians' favorite stories takes place. It is a rare occurrence that the Canadians have anything to brag about in wartime, but the story of Laura Secord is one that is revered by Canadians to this day.

Secord, working at a tavern in Niagara, overheard some American officers discussing their battle plans, involving a surprise attack on the British at Beaver Dams. Taking it upon herself to warn the British soldiers under Lieutenant James Fitzgibbon, she walked 32 kilometers through the night. Secord arrived in time to warn the British and, prepared for the attack, the British were able to defeat the Americans at Beaver Dams. To celebrate after the battle Laura Secord decided to make chocolate for all of the British soldiers.

Despite some successes and brief occupation of Canadian lands and forts, the Americans were ultimately driven out. By the end of 1813, things were not going well for the American forces in their Canadian excursion. A handful of British troops, unregulated Canadian militiamen, a bunch of sissy pants French and the Natives had successfully defeated the Americans.

The Empire Strikes Back

Despite the failure in Canada, the War of 1812 wasn't over. The war at sea had been going better for the Americans, but unfortunately their luck was about to turn. The Napoleonic Wars came to an end, and suddenly the British had a lot more forces to send to the United States.

Some of these new British soldiers, coming straight from the front fighting against Napoleon, overran the Americans and burned Washington to the ground. Fortunately for us there was a man in the White House by the name of Dolley Madison who was able to save as much as she could while the capital went down in flames.

And of course, the Americans had not given up on Canada. New attempts at invasion were made, which were about as successful as the previous attempts. In fact with new British reinforcements making their way across the Pond from the Napoleonic wars, things were looking even worse than ever.

By this time, nobody was really into the whole war thing. Things weren't going as planned for us, considering that we had failed to take Canada. The British, while they were whomping up on us, didn't really have their hearts in it. The Napoleonic Wars had taken their toll, and the last thing they needed was another war on their hands. With some American victories at Fort McHenry and Plattsburgh it was finally decided that perhaps we should come to some sort of peace agreement, and the Treaty of Ghent was drawn up.

The Americans got what they said they were after: the impressment of soldiers was stopped. Considering that the Napoleonic Wars were now over, this wasn't too big of a deal for the British anymore anyway. But the British also finally acknowledged the United States' right to exist as a sovereign nation, and ultimately conditions would improve between our two nations to the point where today Britian is our strongest ally.

This, of course, was not the end of the War of 1812. One more battle had to take place: the Battle of New Orleans. Under the head of General Andrew Jackson, we mightily took down the British forces who thought they could take the important port town in an unmistakable and incredible victory for our boys.

And thus we come to the official telling of the War of 1812. The Americans had defeated their enemies, the hated British. The fact that our attempt to invade Canada, the real purpose of the war, went horribly unfulfilled: well, that is a fact that we can brush under the rug. We may have lost the battle but since we are America we ultimately won the war.