The Haunting Sounds of Christmas Past

Early Christmas Eve 1980-something, I remember waking up with a smile on my face yelling to my sisters and brothers it is Christmas Eve and look it is snowing. I rushed down stairs to see if my mom and daddy were awake yet; they were only because they had been awake all night drinking and having races to see who could smoke the most cocaine. Mom was grumpy and really did not care what day it was or what the weather was doing. She said for me to go help my sister make breakfast, so I did so not to make her even more upset. My older sister and I made oatmeal with brown sugar and raisins with toast.

After breakfast was over we went outside to play. The air was crisp and I could see my breath as it left my body my nose was red and runny. As I was standing in the yard trying to catch a snowflake on my tongue and dreaming of what Santa had brought for me this year I was hit with a snow ball that my brother had packed firm and tossed at me. "Ouch, I am going to tell mom that hurt" I said. I ran into the house by the time I got into the house I had forgotten what happen to me because I heard my parents arguing again.

This was a typical occasion in our house because my mom and daddy were alcoholic/addicts who always fought when they were coming down. I was determined to stop them from feeling sad so I went to my daddy and said tomorrow is Christmas and I made you something very special at school, do you want to open it now it might make you feel better. He said not right now and then he left. I then went to my mom and said are you ok she replied I will be someday. Feeling sad and unsure by what she meant by someday I hugged her and said look I can turn my eye lids inside out. She said that nice without even looking at me and got up and went to her bedroom. I was determined to make the best of the day for everyone so I went to my big sister and asked her to help me make some cookies.

Finally, it was bed time, time for reindeer on the roof top, time for Santa to slide down our chimney and to wake up to presents over flowing from under our tree. I fell asleep as fast as a child of 9 years could when waiting for the moment of surprise and laughter.

When along came a clatter, a shatter and a scream that woke me from my sleep. I jumped from my bed to run down stairs to see what was going on, it was not Santa Claus, not reindeer or anything Christmas like. My mom was sprawled out in the hallway with her arm bent up over her face begging my daddy to please stop. My daddy had been throwing my mom's crystal dishes at her and was calling her names. I ran in front of my mom to shield her from the next piece of crystal my daddy was about to throw. You see I was daddy's girl and he would never hurt me like he was hurting my mom. I began to beg my daddy to stop.

My daddy said "go back to bed this does not concern you." I looked at my mom; the look of fear and terror in her eyes and said no and began to plead once again with my daddy to stop. My daddy then said "You worthless piece of trash; you are not worth my time." My daddy then left the house. I was standing there thinking this is Christmas; this is not supposed to happen on Christmas. Very quickly my older sister came down stairs and said "Mom you can not keep living like this." My mom said "I know but what can I do?"

We started to clean my mom up and then she had asked us to all please get dressed and help her clean the house up. So we did, not much was spoken the remainder of the day. I remember feeling confused how could my daddy do this to my mom, how could Santa not stop this from happening with his magic and why did we not get any presents. Only my daddy was being bad not me or my sister or brother; I just was so confused and did not understand why.

That day there was no turkey, no ham, no presents and no laughter. Our home was broken, my spirit was broken and my mom who was supposed to be able to do anything just cried all day and drank herself to sleep. This was my saddest Christmas and those screams, that shattering sound and the clatter of things breaking changed my life and my Christmases forever.