The Healing Process

Healing from childhood sexual abuse takes time. As much as we would like for the pain and its effects on our life to be wiped away overnight, reality has proven that there is no magic pill. It is a process that requires an enormous amount of courage and perseverance. It is hard work and is at times very uncomfortable and exhausting. But the rewards of moving through it are incomparable. Every step forward brings with it a new sense of peace. Those peaceful minutes turn to hours, then to days and eventually that peaceful feeling can be summoned at any time you choose, in the midst of any outward circumstance. It becomes a reality of choice instead of an elusive goal; moving beyond the role of "victim" and into the realm of empowerment and choice. We each have the power to move past that pain and create our own internal peace.

There are moments in the process when we become exhausted and lost. We listen to that old familiar internal tape that says it would be easier to just stay with what is familiar. And that's okay. There are times when one's soul simply needs to rest. There are moments when the road to peace seems too long for the amount of strength that we possess. Moments when we want to flog ourselves over the head for staying stuck in the midst of an issue for too long. The fact is we repeat that which we need to face and conquer, no matter how crazy the behavior may seem.

The process can't be rushed. It requires being gentle with oneself. It requires acceptance of where we are at every second of the battle and belief that the strength will come when we are ready to take that next step.

Healing is at times, a frightening experience. It requires looking into the mirror of the past and reliving some very painful times; memories that we have spent years shoving to the bottom of that black box at the base of our souls. It requires "feeling" the emotions surrounding those memories, when for so long we've walked through this life in a numb state, in order to protect and survive. Allowing ourselves to "feel" again in a safe, supportive environment is the only way we can move on. Looking into the mirror of our own souls is the hardest step for fear of what we will see there. We've kept secrets from ourselves and others within our souls for years. That act alone, required enormous amounts of energy. Facing the fact that we protected ourselves from the truth can be confusing. We don't always want to believe what is revealed. It is important to remember that our hearts speak nothing but the truth; it is our minds that serve to confuse. When we learn to trust in the memories that come we realize that they will be revealed at a pace that we can handle. We need face nothing before we feel it's safe to do so.

It's so easy to get caught up in everything around us in order to avoid looking at the truth inside ourselves. We get lost in relationships with other people, most often out of the need to fill up our empty spaces. Yet, no one else can fill those spaces. We turn to drugs and alcohol to hide the fact that we have those empty spaces or to numb the pain that attempts to surface. We throw ourselves into work or ultra-accomplishment so we don't have any time to look at our reflection. We spend a lifetime focusing on the outside, running away from our past and ourselves. The irony is no external reality or stimuli can take our past away. No matter how far we run, we carry it with us wherever we go. We do have a choice. We can spend our lives running an eternal marathon and in the end we only drop in our tracks, depleted and exhausted, still carrying all that garbage within our souls, miles short of the finish line. Or, we can begin to shed that weight, with every mile, turn the race around and run towards the truth, building speed and strength with every stride, until we throw our hands up in victory.

Healing requires allowing ourselves many quiet moments of reflection. Learning to be still with oneself is uncomfortable at times. It requires quieting the meaningless and self-defeating chatter within our minds, and beginning to listen to the quiet but truthful voice of the heart. It is during these quiet times that we begin to build a new relationship with our souls and allow ourselves to feel lonely, scared, overwhelmed, angry, happy, ecstatic, at peace. During these quiet moments we become our own ultimate cheering section. For we begin to see the truth and beauty of who we are. Our strengths, our courage, our perseverance and our capacity to love become evident in these moments. We begin to develop a quiet, calm patience and acceptance with ourselves, because we know better than any other human being, just how far we have come, and the potential of how far we can go.

The secrets of our souls slowly unfold like the petals of a rose, and it's during these quiet times that we can reach out and touch their velvet softness, or discard the thorns that keep us from them. This gentle love affair with ourselves ultimately allows us to love and accept those around us with a depth we've never experienced. We no longer walk frantically through life searching for something to fill our needs. We instead walk calmly and learn to give love with the knowledge that it is through the act of giving that we are filled. And if love is given to us, it's not snatched up and locked into a box with chains, out of fear that we will lose it. Instead, it is cherished and appreciated, and our hearts are at peace with the knowledge that we deserve love and it is constantly coming into our lives and touching us from many directions, when we allow it to do so. We discover that there is an endless and abundant supply of this emotion displayed daily through the acts and words within our world.

Yes, there are moments when we slip into past behaviors and take on the persona of our former selves. That usually occurs when facing the pain becomes exhausting, and we slip back into our old modes of protection and survival. But as we move on, we discover that those lapses are temporary and become less frequent, as we seek to repeat the peaceful feeling we've begun to find. Before long, we find ourselves laughing at visions of our past behaviors, embracing ourselves with the knowledge that we no longer have a need to repeat it. We've faced it, we've felt it, and we've released it. And in its space we find a soft, gentle and warm peace, where for year's pain and anguish kept us folded in the fetal position, desperate for an answer.

The process of healing opens our eyes to a whole new world. In the past we walked through life protected by mortar and brick. Walls so thick and impenetrable, served the purpose of shielding us from further pain. Those walls created the illusion of control over our environment. Step too close and I shut you out. Dare to tread, and the gate slams down; safe, within the confines of our own invisible prison. What a lonely place to exist. Healing allows us to take the wall down brick by brick, slowly allowing the light to shine within.

When the wall comes down, there is often a feeling of timid vulnerability. Standing bare, exposed, with heart in hand, stepping slowly into the path of human relationships. Yes, it's scary. But we find that the walls are replaced with the knowledge that we have the power now to choose safe and gentle people, and to say "no" to those who aren't.

Relationships take time. Building trust requires many risks. Becoming vulnerable with others takes courage. Slowly we reveal the contents of the soul and find the strength to be honest with our feelings, which results in a warm quilt of precious people. When we remind ourselves that we do deserve this, it makes each chapter of reaching out to others, less terrifying. We suddenly discover that we are not alone.

I do not know what the end of our healing will bring. I still have a lot of it to do myself. My heart tells me that it's a lifetime process, continual growth into that ultimate peaceful space. Only the end of life will tell. But it is truly an amazing and rewarding journey, filled with continually increasing moments of joy. And the greatest peace comes from looking back from a safe and healthy distance and celebrating just how far we've come.