The Hierarchy or Road Kill in Southeastern Michigan

Yesterday I had to take a quick trip to Flint to make a delivery. While cruising up and down I-75 an hour and a half each way, a person tends to ponder various things. I prefer to listen to radio psychologist, Dr. Joy Browne, on such road trips, and keep my Blackberry far away from my general reach. The reasons are twofold: I enjoy listening to other people's problems, and there's no need to cause an accident just because emails won't stop coming.

It was a beautiful, sunny day, and the first thing I happened to notice was the road kill by the side of the road. Actually, there were lots and lots of dead things at the side of the road. It was a smorgasbord of rotting animal flesh. It's a precursor of spring. Since I was being held captive in my car, I took an unofficial poll of the carnage. There is a definite hierarchy of animals, which either meet or elude their meeting with motor vehicles. They are as follows:

Bear, moose and squirrels - Before you start giving me a hard time about bear and moose not being anywhere near southeastern Michigan, I should say that one year when I lived in a northern suburb, a bear wandered down from northern Michigan. It was spotted behind a Kroger about four blocks from my home. The Department of Natural Resources monitored the bear until it walked back up north. Likewise, moose have been known to walk long distances and have been spotted in mid-Michigan.

That being said, you almost never see a dead bear or a moose by the side of the road. These wily creatures are at the top of the evolutionary pyramid because somehow they can avoid being hit by cars and semis. Maybe they see bright lights and instinctively think, "move away" instead of being drawn to danger.

Squirrels should be in a special category. Since they're rodents, they're quite weasel like. They're just too smart to become road kill. If a squirrel meets its maker through auto crash, it's because it's either old or diseased.

Birds - Even though my father never failed to take out birds with his pickup's over cab camper top; birds do not usually succumb to car accidents. Perhaps it's because they have an advantage over mammals. They can fly out of the way of danger. Today I saw one dead bird, and it was a Canadian goose. My opinion is that Canadian geese are not all that bright. My son hit one with a long drive golf ball once. The way his golf game is, any living thing could have avoided that.

People - I counted over six roadside memorials to fallen loved ones. These included balloons, shamrocks, flower wreaths and teddy bears. Humans are supposed to be the smartest species, but obviously they cannot dodge every vehicle careening down the highway over 70 miles per hour.

Deer - There's always a lot of dead deer. There are too many deer in this area. Why there aren't more dead deer is a testament to their swiftness. Many times, their problem is that they jump the wrong way. They have a tendency to jump into trouble and not away from it.

Woodchucks - There are just as many dead woodchucks (or groundhogs as they are known elsewhere) per mile as there are dead deer. Since they can't run, I can only assume that they're just too stupid to stay out of the interstate. Why a woodchuck would want to cross an interstate is something that we should study. Someone in Washington, write me a grant.

Raccoons - The all time winner at the bottom of the road kill pyramid are raccoons. I saw at least one dead raccoon every quarter mile or so, sometimes more often. I am estimating that I saw close to 200 raccoon bodies. Their little legs were pointed skyward, and their fat little bodies littered the roadway. What do those chubby little critters eat to make them stay so fat? There were so many dead raccoons; I could have made several full-length coats.

I would have mentioned opossums, but I didn't see any dead on the freeway. You can usually find dead opossums, like rats, on city streets. Maybe the species has evolved from hanging around freeways to hanging around garbage cans. You'd have to be really smart to figure that out.