The History and Mystery of Toilet Paper

Leviticus 11:18: Wipeth not thine tuchus with any swab of lesser measure than one-quarter cubit by one-fifth cubit, lest thine hand becometh an abomination unto Me.

A recent article by Eric Fleming in these pages which combined, amazingly, Sheryl Crow, global warming and toilet paper usage tweaked my interest. I undertook this project with the awareness that some delicacy would have to be employed; I have assured my children that my grandchildren could read any of my product without embarrassment or harm.

So here we go.

Toilet paper [hereinafter TP] has an ancient history. The first recorded use of TP was, according to a 1986 treatise by Joseph Needham, was in early China around the sixth century, A.D. I could find no indication about the size of the sheets of paper used, but there is some evidence that, in the fourteenth century China, sheets of TP were produced for the Imperial Court that measured 2 feet by 3 feet! Compare this, if you will, to the standard size sheet of TP today, 4.5 inches by 4 or 4.5 inches. Regardless of the Darwinian theory of evolution, I somehow doubt that the oriental posterior has changed that much in the past eight hundred years.

Outside of China, however, the use of TP was sporadic and rare. Visitors and explorers from Europe returned from the sojourn in the exotic orient with spaghetti, spices and such, but didn't feel the use of paper to wipe one's bottom that noteworthy.

It took until the late nineteenth century for the TP on a roll to be invented in the United States. So what did the world do until then? In an aside comment to Mr. Fleming's article, I suggested "used newspapers or dead squirrels". I may have been unduly flip; although dead squirrels are far more likely than porcupines or armadillos.

People living in the Northern parts of the world -in particularly, the Eskimos- used tundra moss when available in the summer months, and handfuls of snow during the balance of the year. Those living in coastal areas or tropical settings used mussel shells (ouch!) or old coconut shells; those living in the colonial times of America, when farming consisted of 75% of the U.S. workforce, used cobs of corn, or hung paper products in the form of mail order catalogs. In ancient Rome, the popular item was a sponge attached to the end of a stick immersed in salt water. In those days, getting the "wrong end of the stick" would have a much stronger message! I wonder how Mr. Whipple would pitch this product.

We are much more civilized today. And much more into statistics. The average American uses 8.6 sheets per visit to the bathroom, or 57 sheets per day or 20,805 per year or some 2,548.6 square feet of TP per year, enough to carpet a more than adequate home! The Pentagon, when it is not planning wars, thinking powerful thoughts and doing mighty things, uses 666 rolls each and every day. (I believe during the Cuban Missile Crisis, the usage jumped considerably.)

The use of TP is, at least in the United States and, not to offend my friend Youranter, Canada, accepted and common-place. There remains a fierce debate as to how the TP roll is to be installed on or in the holder. This topic entertained and provoked readers of the "Dear Abby" and "Ann Landers" columns for many years.

The first method of installation has the edge of the roll facing away from the wall and commonly facing the toilet. This method allows the user easy access to grab the toilet paper and pull off the desired amount of paper, as the roll spins towards him or her.

The second method of installation has the edge of the roll facing the wall and commonly facing away from the toilet. This method is a bit more difficult for the user to grab the toilet paper, as the roll spins it spins away. An advantage to this method is that a household with toddlers is less likely to have toilet paper spun off the roll. This is because a toddler is most likely to spin the roll toward them. In the case of this installation, as the roll spins toward the toddler, the paper remains wound on the roll.

In the Department of More than I Wanted to Know: a recent poll indicated that 77% of respondents felt that the first method was better.

One last thing to ponder. According to GlobalSecurity.org, detainees at Guantanamo Bay, at least in the more secure units, are not allowed to have toilet paper! "They have to ask a guard to give them an appropriate size piece when they need it." I will leave it up to the reader of this opus to consider the "appropriate size piece". According to the Busch administration, the military has absolute discretion in handing out toilet paper and the amount to be provided. The ACLU is going to challenge this and the United Nations will form a committee to analyze.