The Homoerotic Appeal of MMA

I heard Jim Rome say recently that mixed martial arts, or MMA as it's now called, is "driving the last nail into boxing's coffin." I hope not.

I think boxing is vastly superior to MMA, and I think it's time that the younger generation-the primary audience behind the growth of MMA-learns more about boxing and leans less toward MMA.

Boxing requires by far the most disciplined training, and offers the most brutal competition as well as most unpromising post-retirement of any sport.

MMA, by comparison, is simply the gayest thing I've ever seen. When the bare feet of an MMA guy go up in the air and those muscular legs wrap around an opponent, I think I'm watching Friday night highlights from a male bordello in Argentina.

Now, Chuck will admit to sliding some Cramergesic up the unwilling buttcracks of a few hapless freshmen during 70s-era high-school football hazing. He's also showered naked with hundreds of guys during his sports-playing days.

He was a fine arts guy in college and has performed in most acts of all the classics of the American musical theater and selected operas. He's lived and worked in San Francisco and has found many "San Francisco values" to be of his liking.

But to quote Mike Piazza, "I am not gay." (The difference being that I mean it.)

I've had a drink in The White Swallow on San Francisco's Polk St. I've seen Liberace perform in Las Vegas. I've watched many Judy Garland movies. I've met Siegfried and Roy.

None of these things are as gay as an MMA guy enjoying a good simulated cornholing in front of a screaming, drooling crowd of young males. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Just thought you younger guys should know that this is what your sports looks like.

MMA wouldn't be gayer "if its name were Gay Gayerson" (sorry, stealing a phrase from Norm McDonald there).

Even if you are gay, you must be repelled by MMA fighters' unhewn masculinity, their sweaty grunts and screams revealing the exquisite pain being endured by their nicely cut bodies, tucked roughly into those tight-fitting shorts.

For gay guys to embrace MMA would be analogous to straight guys (like me) getting off on watching a screaming, hair-pulling, face-slapping girlfight between a pair of nicely toned young women with beautiful arms and great rear-ends (perhaps one of them blonde and the other one Asian or black).

But I digress. For those straight young males in the audience, be warned. You are watching the quintessence of homoeroticism.

Watch boxing instead. A lot of it. Do this and you'll stumble into some good fights, maybe a couple of great fights, along the way.

Learn the stances, the footwork, the punches, the styles. Read up on the great history of great boxers in all the weight classes. Don't forget to watch all the great old fights on Classic ESPN.

Over time, you will see this sport's utter superiority over the MMA mishmash.

If you need a gay fix, watch Midnight Cowboy or Deliverance again-or for the first time.

If you still need a gay fix, watch Rock Hudson get real physical while defending the honor of his Hispanic daughter-in-law and grandkids in Giant. Added bonus:He's boxing in that scene. Magnificent!