The Horror That is the Star Wars Holiday Special

If you've ever seen the video for "White and Nerdy", Weird Al Yankovic's parody of the song "Ridin' Dirty", you see the geeked-out Al give a wad of dough for something in a brown paper bag. At first you think it is a drug deal, but then you see Al peel off the wrapping, and he smiles as he sees his heart's desire: The Star Wars Holiday Special.

I'm sure there are those who are not aware that there was a Star Wars Holiday Special, and there is a good reason for that. I think the Star Wars Holiday Special is up there with other things that make the name of Star Wars look bad, such as Jar Jar Binks and the two made-for-TV Ewok movies. I have heard from TV guide magazine that the Star Wars Holiday Special is not, and probably will never be released on DVD. This leads me to believe that the Star Wars franchise wants to simply sweep the Star Wars Holiday Special under the rug and pretend it did not exist. Like I said before, this is for the best.

The Star Wars Holiday Special originally aired in 1978, and I can only assume that it was filmed before The Empire Strikes Back began filming, or between takes. Believe it or not, all the original cast is present and accounted for on this "special" special, from Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker), Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia), Harrison Ford (Han Solo), along with Chewbacca, C-3PO and R2D2. I realize I don't give the names of those actors, but oddly enough, the Star Wars Holiday Special did not either.

Now, I'm certain you're thinking: "They actually got the whole cast to act in this, how bad can it be?" The answer is very bad, and there are so many reasons why the Star Wars Holiday Special did not work. The first reason is that there should not be a Holiday Special for Star Wars. After all, Star Wars takes place apart from human history, a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, right? So there probably isn't Christmas in the Star Wars universe, because for all we know, Star Wars takes place before the birth of Jesus.

The writers came up with a Star Wars metaphor for Christmas called "Life Day". I suppose that the Star Wars Holiday Special was ahead of its time by being politically correct before the age of political correctness. Anyway, Life Day is an annual tradition celebrated on planet Kashyyyk, the planet where Chewbacca is from.

The action, or lack thereof, focuses on Chewbacca trying to get back to his family. Yes, Chewbacca does have a family. He has a wife named Malla, a father named Itchy and a son named Lumpy. I'm sure you can see why his family is never mentioned in the Star Wars movies. Not only that, why isn't Chewbacca home with his family all the time? If I were Malla, I would never let my husband go anywhere with that Han Solo scoundrel.

Anyway, Han is trying to get Chewie back to Kashyyyk, but he is ambushed by Imperials with stock footage from the original Star Wars: A New Hope. At least they had some new footage with them in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon, but the set didn't look right.

Anyway, Han and Chewie are delayed from Life Day, and the rest of the special is nothing more than a mix of little skits as Chewie's family waits for them. These minibits could have been put in any order, as their cohesive whole does not enhance the plot.

For example, Malla is learning how to make Bantha, which I can only assume is the Life Day turkey. She watches a show where four-armed Chef Gormaanda prepares the dish, and the actor portraying this role, Harvey Korman, looks like a black Juliet Child that was intended for comic relief, but is not funny in any sense of the word. Korman appears in other roles, including an Amorphian instructor that Lumpy watches in order to learn how to build a transmitter. The Amorphian character is not funny either, and his Max Headroom-like mannerisms come off as simply creepy.

Other acts include a scene in the famed Star Wars cantina with Bea Arthur. Somehow the mini-story became this musical number. Apparently, the writers could not decide whether they wanted this holiday special to be a musical or not, as they seemed to be a huge part of this. For example, Jefferson Airplane has a groovy number with lots of purple lasers.

For the most disturbing musical number, I have to give that credit to Itchy. In one scene, someone drops by the Wookee family's house and drops of gifts. Itchy's gift is this big chair that looks like a hair dryer but is some sort of virtual reality machine. As Itchy watches Diahann Carroll sing, the reactions on his face are as sick as a man enjoying some porn. Now I know why he's called Itchy.

I'll spoil the ending by saying that all the Star Warriors meet up at the end as Chewie and his family celebrates Life Day. This consists of dressing up in red robes and walking as if you are the three Wise Men. Then Leia shows up and begins to sing. Yes, sing. Princess Leia sings. That is how bad this is.

Even though this is one of the worst things I've seen on video, it is nice to know that something good actually came out of it: Boba Fett. That's right, one of the sketches on the Star Wars Holiday Special is animated, and features the first appearance of the now-famous bounty hunter.

Still, the Star Wars Holiday Special is evidence that Star Wars and television just doesn't mix. This sort of makes me wonder if Lucas can really pull off that Star Wars series that he has been promising since Episode III came out.

I think Lucas wants the world to believe that the Star Wars Holiday Special never happened, and I wouldn't be surprised if he keeps certain people paid to keep it out of the next generation's sight. Unfortunately, the Holiday special is one of the most bootlegged films of all time, along with the 1994 Fantastic Four movie (a film which was just as bad, if not worse, than the Star Wars Holiday Special).

In case you are wondering how I got a chance to see it, I found it on YouTube. I just entered in "Star Wars Holiday Special" in quotes and found it right in ten parts. The reason that I won't give the URLs is because studios will often crack down on those who display TV shows without the proper licensing. Therefore, shows that you can find on YouTube have been known to disappear without warning.

But even if you did find it, I can't recommend it. Unless you are watching it to make fun of it, which will be quite a blast.