The Human Anatomy, Part I: Bonin' Up on Dem Bones

Until recently, my knowledge of the human skeletal system centered on the lyrics from that song that goes, "The thigh bone's connected to the knee bone." Then I did some research using my friend Google and discovered that, while the song is pretty much accurate, the bones actually have different names that are no doubt Latin and are pretty much meaningless to those of us who don't know diddly-squat about the difference between a coccyx and a radius.

So now, in my never-ending desire to educate you the reader, here, in no particular order, are ten bones I didn't used to know squat about:

1. The sternum is the bone in the middle of the chest from which the ribs extend. The sternum is made up of three parts called the manibrum, body, and xiphoid process, which are some pretty fancy names for "top," "middle," and "bottom." The sternum is very important in that it protects the heart and lungs and keeps the ribs from fraying at the ends.

2. The ulna is a bone that combines with...

3. The radius to make up the forearm. In case you are really stupid, the forearm is that portion of the arm that is between the elbow and wrist. If you don't know what the elbow and wrist are, you are a complete and utter moron! Anyway, the ulna and radius both connect at the bottom to the hand and at the top to...

4. The humerus (OK, some of these are in a particular order). Besides being a rather funny name for a bone, the humerus is the longest bone in the arm and is known as the class clown of the skeletal system.

5. Besides sounding dirty, a phalanx is a finger bone. The fingers are made up of 14 such bones, which together are called phalanges, which also sounds dirty.

6. One of the 8 bones that make up the wrist is called a pisiform! You would figure that a pisiform would be somewhere around the bladder, wouldn't you? None of the other bones of the wrist have names that sound as silly as pisiform, so I'm not going to bother talking about them.

7. The clavicle is what we dimwitted laypeople call the collarbone. The clavicle is connected at one end to the sternum and at the other end to...

8. The scapula, which at first glance looked to me like spatula, and made me wonder, "What the heck is a spatula doing in the human skeletal system?" Then I realized that I had misread it and felt like the dimwitted layperson that I am. Anyway, the scapula is what we dimwitted laypeople call the shoulder blade.

9. The lower jaw is called the mandible and is the only joint of the skull that moves freely, which really comes in handy when eating or talking. The only known human to have survived without a working mandible is Clutch Cargo, who managed to develop amazing lip control while engaging in exciting adventures with his pals Spinner and Paddlefoot.

10. Last, but certainly not least, is the femur, or thighbone, which is the longest and strongest bone in the human body. Without the femur, the fat and cellulite on your flabby thighs would just fall directly to your equally flabby ass. So I think we can all give thanks for the femur.

There's a whole crapload of other bones in the human skeletal system with equally silly-sounding names; but my brain is starting to hurt from all of this learning, so I'm going to stop right here.

Stay tuned for the next installment of The Human Anatomy, when we will talk about muscles!

Reference: The Skeletal System at: http://www.mnsu.edu/emuseum/biology/humananatomy/skeletal/skeletalsystem.html