The Human Anatomy, Part II: Muscle-aneus Information

Thank God for the Internet because, until recently, I knew even less about the human muscular system than I did about the human skeletal system. Unfortunately, there are no songs that go, "The thigh muscle's connected to the knee muscle." But after doing some extensive research, I don't need no stinkin' song!

Just as I discovered with bones, muscles have some weird-ass names that are difficult to pronounce and are named in such a fashion as to keep us laypeople in the dark as to what the hell doctors are talking about while they (doctors) sit around and snicker about how stupid we laypeople are because we don't know that a deltoid muscle is basically a shoulder muscle.

So now, in an effort to pull us dimwitted laypeople out of the dark, here, in no particular order, are ten muscles I didn't used to know squat about:

1. The deltoid muscle was already covered in the first paragraph. If you didn't read the first paragraph, go back and read it now. We'll wait...

2. I was very surprised to learn that the gluteus maximus, which is located in the buttocks, is the strongest muscle in the human body. I mean, when you see someone with an enormous ass, it's not like you're thinking, "Wow, what a nicely developed muscle!"

3. The flexor digiti minimi muscle is found in the hand and bends the little finger as it would when forming a fist. All of the other fingers have flexor muscles too, but I chose the minimi muscle simply because I am an Austin Powers fan.

4. The muscle that extends from the pubic bone to the femur is called the adductor longus. I chose this one because I wanted to include the word "pubic" in my list. It is little things like this that keep me from falling into a coma while researching this incredibly mind-numbing crap.

5. The orbicularis oculi muscle surrounds the eye and, according to my good friends at Innerbody.com, is--are you ready for this?--a "sphincter muscle!" This shocked the hell out of me. I had always thought that the sphincter muscle was located down where the sun don't shine. Guess I don't know my sphincter muscle from a hole in the ground.

6. It says here, "the omohyoid muscle depresses the hyoid bone." Unfortunately, I didn't cover the hyoid bone in The Human Anatomy, Part I: Bonin' Up on Dem Bones, so I have no idea what it is exactly that the omohyoid muscle is depressing. My bad.

7. According to Innerbody.com, the patellar ligament: "is the center of the common tendon, which continues from the patella (knee cap) to the tibia. It is a very strong, flat band, the fibers of which are continuous over the front of the patella with tendons that extend and pass down the sides of the patella into the extremity of the tibia," and blah, blah, blah... It just drones on and on about the stupid patellar ligament.

8. The inguinal ligament is in the groin area and prevents hernias. Being a man, I think anything that protects the groin is pretty damn important.

9. At first glance, I though the semispinalis capitis muscle had the word "penis" in it and therefore must be extremely important. Upon further review, I discovered that this muscle runs though the neck and has to do with extending, bending, and rotating the head--not nearly as important as I had thought.

10. The calcaneal tendon, located in the heel, is also known as the Achilles tendon. Achilles was a Greek warrior who also played football at USC until he tore his Achilles and went from a dazzling open field runner to nothing more than a journeyman special teams player. Unable to handle the devastation of having his promising career ruined by injury, Achilles took his own life at the age of 28. A sad, sad story.

There are a whole bunches of other muscles, tendons, and ligaments in the human body that are just as fascinating as the ones I've covered here. For instance, did you know that contraction of the epicranius muscle raises your eyebrows and causes your forehead to wrinkle? It also says here that continual contraction of this muscle often causes headaches. Kind of like the one I have from researching this incredibly mind-numbing crap.

Don't miss the next installment of The Human Anatomy when we will explore the nervous system!

Reference: Innerbody.com Human Anatomy Online: http://www.innerbody.com/image/musfov.html