The Human Anatomy, Part IV: On the Organ Trail

If you thought bones, muscles, and nerves were important, you ain't heard nothing yet! We humans are filled with organs, many of which perform such essential functions that heart, kidney, and liver transplants have become everyday occurrences-like the ones you read about in those e-mails where some guy is drugged by a stranger and wakes up in a bathtub with a couple of vital organs missing. Anyway, I figured if organs are that damn important, I ought to do some research and include my findings in this here installment of The Human Anatomy.

So now, in my never-ending desire to educate you the reader, I the writer have listed in no particular order ten organs and what it is they do for us:

1. The heart is found within the left side of the chest cavity and pumps blood throughout the body. Way back in the dark ages (and currently in third world countries like Kentucky), dimwits who didn't know any better believed that the heart was the center of human emotion. This misconception helped spawn such statements as: "Brittany was heartbroken when she learned that her boyfriend Jeffrey had knocked up her sister Monique." Thankfully, medical science has since shown that the heart is nothing more than a pumping machine and that human emotion resides in the brain. Despite this discovery, the word "brainbroken" never caught on.

2. The brain is "the brains of the outfit," and is made up of two halves. The left side of the brain controls the right side of the body and is considered the logical half. The right side of the brain controls the left side of the body and is referred to as the creative half. Inside the heads of world leaders, the two halves working together are often responsible for such logically creative decisions as war.

3. Humans have two lungs, which are responsible for transporting the oxygen we breathe into the bloodstream. The heart pumps the blood which then carries oxygen to the brain. And without oxygen to the brain, one is said to be "brain-dead," thus automatically becoming eligible to live in the White House and say words like "nookyuler."

4. Kidneys filter the blood, removing chemicals and various other things floating through the bloodstream, and produces urine containing those chemicals and various other things. It is because of your stupid kidneys that you were fired from your stupid job due to that stupid failed drug test.

5. Liver, which becomes a tasty pâte when mixed with various herbs, spices, and wine, goes wonderfully with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

6. Did you know that skin is considered an organ? And where would you be without skin? You'd just be nothing more than a disgusting pile of blood, bones, and guts. Yuck! Kind of makes it hard to get a date.

7. The appendix serves no practical purpose other than to occasionally become inflamed or burst. Warning: The following information is not intended for brainless idiots who reject years and years of scientific study in favor of a made up concept called "Intelligent Design." It is likely that the appendix had once served a practical purpose as part of the digestive system in our primitive ancestors.

8. The bladder holds urine, otherwise known as beer. When we go wee-wee, the bladder empties, allowing us humans to drink more beer. God bless the bladder!

9. The stomach is a temporary holding tank for food. From there the food goes directly to your fat ass.

10. The large intestine is larger than the small intestine, which, in turn, is smaller than the large intestine. The large intestine takes undigested food from the small intestine and transforms it into feces or, if you prefer, "poop." Simply put: no large intestine, no poop.

If you were hoping that male and female genitals would be included in this list, don't be disappointed. I will cover those organs in detail with the final installment of The Human Anatomy when we will explore the male and female reproductive systems. See you then!

References:
Innerbody.com at: http://www.innerbody.com/
Howstuffworks.com at: http://health.howstuffworks.com/
bbc.co.uk: http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/body/factfiles/organs_anatomy.shtml