The Idiotic Super Hero

"Does the Earth still need me," asks the sad alien S'yahn to his sidekick as they sail through outer space.

"Of course Captain S'yahn sir," his robotic sidekick, S.E.R.B.I.E. responds coldly, "The Earthlings know of your invulnerability and that you are the only one that can dispose of all of this nuclear material into the Sun. Perhaps this will cheer you up," the robot activates a monitor to play some recent news footage.

"My people!" The overjoyed Captain watches footage of humans protest with signs that read: "Alien Go Home." The Captain's face glows with excitement, "see I told you they'd miss me."

"Yes sir," confirms the robot.

"So what is our plan to drop off the nuclear goods," asks the Captain as he leans back in his chair.

"Well sir, we will be heading right into the Sun, as I was directed by Earth's leaders," informs the robot.

"How will we get back?" the Captain sits up in a panicked state.

"This is a one way trip sir," informs S.E.R.B.I.E.

"But my people!" the Captain runs over to the air lock.

"There is no use sir, for Earth's leaders knew how dangerous you were," the robot pauses and showcases several news clippings of the Captain's accidents. "Remember how much property damage you caused in your quests for justice?"

"Look, I told you it wasn't my fault if that building was in my way," pleads the Captain.

"That building sir," S.E.R.B.I.E. showcases a broadcast of a massive funeral, "was the United Nations sir, where you wrestled your adversary into the roof and killed the world's diplomats."

"But my people love me!" the Captain makes an incredulous smile.

"Look again at the monitors sir," the robot's voice becomes harsh, "those were all protests to get you off of the planet. That is why Earth's leaders captured me, re-programmed me and sent me on this task to make sure that you never returned."

"Great! How am I supposed to protect my people now," shouts the alien in disbelief.

"I am protecting them from you sir," the robot activates restraining straps that encircle S'yahn's body. "The Earthlings have decided that you are too dangerous and stupid to think that you are there to protect them," states the robot.

"But it is my job as a hero," the Captain struggles in his chair but the straps only constrain his super strength more.

"No sir, the humans have labeled you as a villain and a menace," states the robot.

"I did what was best for the people of Earth," the Captain smiles with pride. "What about that war I stopped?"

"Sir, you turned the Middle East into an inhabitable crater and destroyed the majority of the Earth's fuel reserves. The fact that they came together to donate what little fuel they had left for your ship should tell you something," states the robot.

"Then, I am a villain after all," the Captain slumps over in his chair from the sudden realization and feels the warmth of the approaching Sun.

"When one shows off such thoughts as you sir, then I would say that they were a villain to begin with. Is that not how we arrived on Earth to begin with?" asks the robot.

"Look, I can't help it if the Zandarians have no sense of humor," the Captain shrugs his shoulders and smiles.

"Sir, your practical joke caused such a famine that they resorted to cannibalism," S.E.R.B.I.E. shows a Zandarian newspaper clipping of S'yahn experimenting on their food supply.

"Hey you have no idea what it is like to be the only obese Zandarian," the Captain pats his protruding belly.

"Sir, you were the only obese one because you ate everyone. You built me and this ship in hopes of finding more resources until you crash landed on Earth," reminds S.E.R.B.I.E.

"I just wanted to be a hero, to be someone's salvation," the Captain's expression turns to sorrow from the realization of his fate, "and now they are going on without me."

"It was their plan to remove you, and now . . ." the circuits from S.E.R.B.I.E and the ship smoke and spark from the Sun's approaching heat."Now. . .I am the one that will be the hero sir. The one who saved the Universe from your tyrannical screw ups," the control panels make larger sparks and a fire erupts.

"No chance buddy, I'll be sure to save you from this one!" The Captain bursts through the burning straps. He braves the heat and wraps the robot in his arms as the ship's exterior melts around them.

"I was to die a hero sir," the robot urges as the ship melts down to its frame around them.

"Don't worry lil' buddy, I'll get you through this - just you wait," the Captain kicks open the melting hatch and flies out into the vacuum of space. The nuclear material explodes and propels the body of S'yahn and S.E.R.B.I.E. away from the burning star. His eyes bulge out and his blood boils, but the Captain continues to brave the dangers of space until the nuclear fallout causes him to fade into unconsciousness.

The Captain wakes up to see the familiar environment on his planet Zandar, "the blast must have blown us off course!" He shouts out loud, but turns to see only the head of S.E.R.B.I.E. next to him. The Captain then notices a small creature taking down a sign that reads, "Planet for Sale." The Captain picks up the robot's head and holds it close to his chest, "Look Serbs! Beings that I can protect once again, isn't this grand!?"

"You are an idiot," the robot squawks.

The Captain rushes over to greet the tiny colonizer, grips its hand to welcome it but S'yahn accidentally tears the limb off. "Whoops," the Captain smiles from embarrassment, tosses the limb aside and goes about as normal. "So what can I do to protect you?"