The Idiots Guide to Driving by CAID

The Idiots Guide to Driving.

Introduction

This guide is intended for use by the millions of Californians who have not quiet figured out how to drive. This guide should in no way be considered the only source for knowledge on driving. Rather, please use this manual in conjunction with the California DMV handbook.

Each year millions of Americans are stuck in the turmoil that is our freeways. This book is our ticket to safer and more effective driving practices. If followed, we Californians can gather the knowledge and tools necessary to complete our daily trips with ease. Imagine a world with no traffic. Imagine a trip to the store without being cut off. Imagine the day when your ten minute commute actually takes you ten minutes. This doesn't have to be a dream folks. We, at the Coalition Against Idiot Drivers (CAID) agree that a mass distribution of this manual will open the eyes and soften the foot of many drivers.

Please understand that just because you have passed the test, you are in no way shape or form the perfect driver. But with a little help, we might be able to save you from ever having to see the "finger."

Remember: Driving is 2 percent knowledge and 110 percent common sense.

Disclaimer:

CAID and its affiliates (mainly David Field) in no way condone or approve of drivers disobeying the California Vehicle Code Laws or the California DMV handbook. This guide is merely an entertainment piece and a reference to common sense to help Californians start thinking when they are driving. By having read this you personally agree to indemnify and hold harmless CAID and it's affiliates for any wrongdoing you may cause while driving. Use your brain!

Chapter One: Starting To Drive In General

The common misconception among Californians is that they think upon obtaining a drivers license that they in fact, know how to drive. What they don't realize is they don't have the common sense to allow them to function in a vehicle. Many people are easily aggravated, aroused or even distracted while driving. Their minds are lost in thought on what they are going to eat when they get home, or how they are going to smooth things over with their wife; more so the latter in my case. So easily, it is possible to focus on other things, than on the road.

Our focus in this chapter is to help you realize that your driver's license will not give you the all-magical power of common sense. It is up to you to develop and strengthen your common sense.

The best thing you can do to develop your potentially awesome driving skills is to get familiar with your vehicle. This includes getting familiar the placement of and knowing how to operate the following:

Powered Accessories (Lights, Mirrors, Sunroof, Wiper Blades, Turn Signal, Radio, Seat Controls, Windows, Locks, Steering Column, Overdrive Switch unless you have a manual transmission, etc.)

Your gas pedal and break pedal. Make sure you know and are comfortable with the feel of them. Know how much force is required to set your car in motion and bring it to a stop.

Your steering wheel. Get familiar with how sensitive it is.

Get familiar with the length width of your car. Too many people will often back in and out of parking spots because they think they don't have enough room in front of their car to clear the other car. Then we sit around laughing because you're an idiot.

Remember to pay attention while you are driving as well. Don't be distracted by intrinsic things like your cell phone or radio. We all know California law made it illegal to talk on your cell phone while driving. Bluetooth is legal, but what California didn't realize is you still need to dial your phone while driving, so it is just as distracting. CAID is not a big fan of this law, as it seems it is just a new way to conform the populous to their liking. If you have the skills to dial your phone, change radio stations or eat while driving then you should be able to do it. But if you are the type of person whom cries and pulls off to the shoulder while driving through fog because it scares you, then for the love of all that is good please don't do these distracting things while you are driving. You are only going to hurt yourself or other people. Common sense will tell you if you will be able to multitask while driving.

These are just a few starting principles in driving. Getting a "feel" for your vehicle should be a top priority. It will save you a lot of grief and embarrassment in the future.

Speed limits

Speed limits are there for a reason. They are there for your safety and mine. California and the cities within it post their speed limits according to what they feel is a safe speed limit for that particular road section. With that being said, wouldn't it also make sense that if 3 motorists are going at least the posted speed limit, and 1 is not, that it might be a little unsafe? By actually going too slow, you are a hazard to the other motorists who have to slow down or feel the need to get around you. In addition, all you are doing is making everybody angry. If you feel your car is too shotty or you are too scared to drive at least the legal posted speed limit, please ride the bus. In other words, drive the speed limit!

Turn only lanes

There is nothing more irritating than waiting in line to get on a freeway or make a left turn, and seeing some numb nut holding up traffic in the lane beside you because he wants to get over. These are the people that really frustrate other motorists. First, you knew you had to get on the freeway, and you knew where the lane was. So for you to wait until the last minute and try to cross a solid white line (which is technically illegal) because you didn't want to wait in line with everyone else, shame on you! You just made one or two cars miss the light, and have to wait because you are a selfish jerk. This is a call to all who have bared witness to such an atrocity; we will unite against these selfish people and NOT ever let them in the lane. If you missed your chance to get over, you need to go up the street and make a u-turn when it is safe and legal. No more will we stand for this.

Turn signals

We can't stress enough how important turn signals are. You turn signal, whether you want to admit it or not, let's other drivers know what your intentions are. Most people assume they use their turn signals enough, but have you ever been at a stop sign making a left turn and not used your turn signal? It's your turn, and you start to go, but so does the person right across from you. Uh oh, accident. Short of a loud speaker on your car, there is no other way to tell drivers what you are about to do. Use your turn signal for everything.

Rubber necks

What kind of sick world do we live in where people slow down when they see fire trucks, ambulances, and police cars on the side of the road? What are you hoping to see, death and blood? Nothing good comes out of you slowing down to see what going down at an accident scene. You are merely hurting yourself and the other motorists. There is no reason that one accident should cause that much backup on the freeways or streets. Sure, you might satisfy your disgusting need for blood and gore, but the people behind you might be decent people that are late for work and don't care to see that kind of carnage. Try this, next time some boneheads cause an accident, try looking straight on through at the road ahead and keep going until you are clear of the flashing blue and red lights. Then you can feel good that you didn't slow down and cause others to slow down. You actually might sleep a little better at night. Try it!

Diesel trucks

How long are going to keep the backbone of our country down? Truckers are on the roads for a living, not for pleasure. They don't enjoy being cut off and they most certainly don't enjoy having to fight for an opening to be able to turn or merge. Trucks are big, as you know, and they weight about as much as your car time times 10. So why then do so many of you cut these monolithic monsters off and expect them to be able to stop in time? Some people try to get in front of big rigs when two lanes turn into one. You know what happens when you fight a big rig? Either one, you win, and then the truck has to slow down and get going again which takes them a long time to do. Or two, you lose and cause an accident which takes drivable lanes off the road.

Emergency vehicles

All too often we hear a siren in the distance and then see flashing red lights in the rear views. But what do we do? We keep on going because we are selfish ignorant people. Ambulances need to get places fast in order to save lives. Fire trucks need to get where they are going fast to save peoples homes. In other words, emergency vehicles deserve for us to get the heck out of the way. Pull over when you see an emergency vehicle coming with their lights on and their sirens screaming.

Chapter Two: Street Driving

This chapter will touch on several dynamics that involve non-highway driving. While a little congestion is ultimately inevitable, the following points outlined will hopefully give Californians the know how to stop causing traffic. That's right! It's been said, "You are the cause of traffic." Well my friends, the CAID says, "Only you can prevent traffic congestion." We all know the state isn't going to help.

Starting from a stop

Let's assume for a moment you are at a red light. You have been there for quite some time and you start to get antsy. You begin to fiddle with your iPod, your cellular phone, your make-up or even yourself (hopefully not as this is illegal in public). You are now an idiot driver. While you were busy with everything but driving, the light has since turned green, and you are holding up the flow of traffic. Because of you cars are piling up behind you, and the sixth car back probably won't make it through the green light. Hopefully this person isn't already disgruntled, as you may have just caused a ripple effect that leads to a violent workplace incident. Traffic signals are designed to allow maximum cars through during each signal length, in order to reduce congestion. But you have now thrown that entire system, a system designed by engineers and people much smarter than you, out of whack. Congratulations.

The solution is simple. While at a red light, watch the signal carefully until it turns green. Nothing fancy here folks, just a little common sense. Pay attention while you are driving or stopped. There is a classic saying people use and should not be taken lightly; "Green means go and the gas pedal is on the right."

There is minimal effort required on your part when the light turns green. It's an exciting moment for you whether you are in the front of the line, middle or the very end. You have the opportunity to make a difference on that street's congestion. A general rule of thumb in American made cars is: the gas pedal is on the right and the brake is on the left. With that in mind, when the light finally turns green, all your focus should be on getting your foot to the right pedal, which is the gas. Depress the gas pedal enough to set your car in motion. You are now moving and not holding up traffic.

Please keep in mind that if you are behind another vehicle, you do not have to wait until the vehicle in front of you is twelve car lengths ahead before you start to move. Doing so will only result in severe congestion and you obtaining the finger. It is a good idea to safely start depressing the gas pedal when the vehicle in front of you is moving forward. Remember, green means go, but so does a rolling wheel. Therefore, when the vehicle in front of you is moving forward, you should be also. Not waiting. Not waiting. Not waiting. Common sense.

Coming to a stop

While setting your car in motion is great, what about that tricky little task of stopping? Stopping is easy enough for you, and better for the other drivers if done so properly. Stopping abruptly, too soon, or not soon enough is bad for traffic congestion. If you stop abruptly, you risk causing an accident and hours of congestion. If you stop too soon, for instance you might be anticipating a red light, you risk holding up more cars than necessary behind you. And if you don't stop soon enough, well, here you go again causing an accident. As a side note, accidents are bad. Accidents shut down lanes on the street vital to traffic flow, and also encourage "rubber necking."

There is a common sense way to stop your vehicle that should be taken into consideration whenever you come to a situation that involves a complete stop. First, don't slam on your brakes. The only thing this does is cause a chain reaction of abrupt braking behind you, and wears out your brake pads quicker. The California DMV has nothing to say about this topic. So allow me to say it is a good idea to softly depress your brake pedal around one hundred feet before your stop.

Stopping too soon is a stupid problem to have in California. Many drivers will anticipate a red light, and slam on their brakes at a green light or even a yellow light. While it is a safe driving practice to anticipate a yellow light or red light, it is not a safe driving practice to go skidding through the intersection because the light turned yellow. Please proceed at the posted speed limit until you see the light actually turn yellow. This will ensure you don't stop at a green light and hold up cars behind you that otherwise would have made it through the light. Also, if you happen to not be paying attention, and you actually have to stop because the light is red, but you skidded half way through the intersection, follow this advice. Proceed through the intersection. Many people try to back up when this happens. First of all, everyone saw you barreling through the red light and come skidding to a stop, it is hard to miss. And secondly, you have managed to irritate the many drivers that saw you with your ignorance, so just go and be gone.

Lane changes & turning

One of the most irritating problems we have in California is our lack of knowledge on how to properly change lanes. Sure, some of you use your turn signal, but then again some don't. Even so, a turn signal does not give you the absolute right to start changing lanes. This requires technique and common sense to properly execute.

The first thing you must do when changing lanes is make sure you will be going the same speed of the traffic in the lane you are merging into. Also, be sure it is absolutely safe to enter into that lane. Do everyone a favor, and stop moving into lanes while going slower than the rest of the traffic. All this does is aggravate everybody behind you who has to slow down. Most people enjoy moving a certain speed, and having to slow down is very cumbersome. Also, do not move into a lane 15 feet before your right or left turn. Then you must slam on your breaks to get into that turn lane and therefore cause everyone behind you to do the same.

When making a right hand turn into a private or commercial driveway it is imperative that you stay as far right as possible. Too often people start slowing down to execute their right hand turn in the lane they are in. Don't do this! Here's how you do it. Start slowing down before your turn by taking your foot off the gas pedal. Then start moving toward the shoulder or curb to get yourself as far out of the flow of traffic as possible. Then when you are sure you are not impeding the flow of traffic behind you, start braking so you can safely make your turn into your destination of choice. We know we just boggled your mind and it was a lot of information to take it. However, with a little practice you too and quit being the jerk that holds everyone up because you are stopped in a traffic lane trying to make a turn into a driveway. Run on sentence I know, but it was worth it!

Chapter Three: Freeway Driving

Driving on the freeway is inevitably inevitable. If you live in southern California your experience on the freeway will be less than pleasant. The congestion is absolutely ridiculous, and in some cases your 15 minute commute might take an hour. So how do we stop this nonsense? With a few simple common sense driving practices that's how! California really messed up when they first started building the freeways. They didn't account for millions of people who, in the future, would be using the system. So today, because there are not enough lanes to accommodate all the drivers and because the on and off ramps were designed by a two year old, we must suffer together in the mayhem. The 91 Express Toll lanes are a true example of how collectively retarded the leaders of California are. With our rant out of the way, please read on.

Merging on and off the freeway

Merging on to the freeway is a fairly simple task. For some, this is the most daunting and scary task imaginable. The thing to keep in mind is; it is your responsibility to safely merge on the freeway. It is not the responsibility of the motorists on the freeway to let you into the flow of traffic. If all of our problems with congestion were solved, the flow of traffic would range from 65 miles per hour to 80 miles per hour depending on the conditions. Please note that CAID does not recommend traveling faster than the legal posted speed limit.

With that being said, the most basic thing you can do to not impede the flow of traffic while merging on the freeway is match the current traffics speed. That's right! Most freeway on-ramps do have enough length to allow you to reach speeds of at least 65 miles per hour. So while gaining speed, it is your common sense, depth perception, and "feel" that will allow you to perfectly match the speed of traffic. Yet, while you are barreling down the on-ramp at the same speed as traffic, how do you get in? You need to use those same principles outlined to spot a gap in traffic, and get yourself in there. You may have to do a little speed matching in this case to allow yourself to get into that open spot.

Do everyone on the freeway and everyone behind you on the on-ramp a favor, and accelerate to the speed of the flow of traffic. Too often people are going 45 miles per hour or less by the time they reach the end of the on-ramp. By then, it is too late to negotiate a safe and accurate merge onto the freeway. Motorists on the freeway then have to slow down, which causes backups for miles, and the people behind you must then also wait to get onto the freeway themselves. Do you see how one Idiot Driver can set off a chain reaction of epic proportions?

Exiting the freeway seems to be a huge problem for Californian's. Mainly, they seem to not understand they actually need to be in the right hand lane when exiting the freeway. And let's face it California, you know exactly when and where you need to exit 99% of the time. You are just fed up with all the idiots in the number one lane who are driving slow, so you proceed in the fast lane until your exit is one hundred feet ahead. Now, this will upset you, but it is completely unacceptable to wait until the last minute and cut across three lanes of traffic to make your exit. Please be in the right hand lane at least a mile before your exit. In doing this, you are ensuring that:

1. You won't miss your exit and cause a bigger delay for yourself.
2. You won't have to cut someone off and cause a traffic jam.
3. You won't cause an accident and slow down traffic further. (Remember Chapter Two?)

Freeway off-ramps are usually fairly decent in length. This means that you shouldn't have to actually use your brakes until you are on the off-ramp and preparing to stop at the exit light (if there is one). Don't start slowing down on the freeway, or better yet, don't slow down to 35 miles per hour just to exit. We are not saying to go barreling down the off-ramp at eighty, but just use common sense to avoid slowing down the traffic on the freeway.

Freeway driving basics

When driving on the freeway, it will be inevitable that you will come across someone who has not read this article. You will know this person because they will probably be driving 45 miles per hour or weaving in and out of traffic and slamming on their brakes.

But you can prevent this person from affecting you, and thus affecting the whole flow of the freeway.

The first point we would like to make is about braking. When someone is hitting their breaks on the freeway, you usually can just let of the gas to slow your car down. Just because you see taillights, doesn't mean you have to give yours a nice tap too. And, if you are a safe driver, you should have nice gap between you and the "brake offender." This gap is vital in that if you have left yourself enough room, you won't even need to use your brakes. Bottom line; don't brake on the freeway unless it is absolutely necessary and if you do have to brake on the freeway, "brake lightly."

Next let's take a moment to discuss the importance of obeying the traffic laws while driving on the freeway. It is always illegal to cross the double yellows that line the carpool lane, period. It's not OK when; you are close to your exit and you forgot to get out, there is a slower car in the lane blocking your flow, or when you just want to weave in and out because you're a nut case. Don't be a jerk and enter it because you are tired of sitting in traffic. When you do this, you impede the flow of the people in the carpool lane and cause them to slow down. Guess what, chain reaction!

Another thing you might want to take heed of is the bendy bends on the freeway. The California speed limit on freeways is generally 65 miles per hour. That means that engineers and the elite of California say it's safe to travel at 65 miles per hour on the freeway. So why do so many of you slow down every time you come to a curve in the freeway? Have you ever noticed the signs when exiting the freeway that have an arrow showing a curve, and a different speed limit? They are telling you the miles per hour rating they think is safe to take that turn. Last time we checked, pretty much no curve on the freeway has a sign that says to slow down to a speed of less than 65 miles per hour. Now take warning, because there actually are some freeways where this is posted. But in most cases, no! Don't slow down because you are a "scaredy cat driver." This is completely unacceptable and will no longer be tolerated.

Final Thoughts

We have outlined many basic instructions on how to drive on roads and freeways, highways and byways. It is up to you to take what you have learned here, in conjunction with the California DMV handbook, and put it into practice. In having read this, if you don't practice simple common sense while driving, you are a target for ridicule by the vast members of the CAID. Please pay attention and focus all your energy on driving while you are on the road, and use your brain. How many times does it need to be said to use common sense, it really is that simple.