The Impact of ADD and ADHD on Siblings

Parents of children with learning disabilities are well aware of their struggles. Calls from school and angry neighbors never let you forget that you have a child with special needs. You have tests taken and see doctors and therapists and spend a lot of extra time helping with homework. You are well aware of the impact that having a child with ADD or ADHD is having on you. But have you given any consideration to the affect it is having on your other children?

Boundaries are often disrespected

LD children go where they want when they want without thinking or considering others privacy. They take things and often break them without meaning any harm. But just as you expect your children to respect your privacy, they need to be respecting each others also. When someone takes something from you without permission you feel violated and angry. Your children feel this way when their room is entered and their personal possessions taken. If you do not respond to this type of invasion your children will feel that you are not caring of their needs and are favoring your LD child. If you have this issue in your home you might consider placing locks with keys on the doors of the children being invaded. You can retain a key so that you can still go in if you need to but others cannot. Using ADD or ADHD as an excuse for allowing this to go on will cause fighting and anger in your home. Having an LD child may require you to rethink how you manage your home and do things in a way that you would have preferred not to.

Socialization issues are influenced when your sibling is LD

One of the most important aspects of growing up is learning to work with people in a group and one way that kids do this by having friends over and socializing in their home. When your ADD or ADHD child invades these get-togethers your home will not be the house of choice for kids to congregate. You children will not want to bring people home and won't have the opportunities to create social situations and be a leader of their group. It's not unusual for LD kids to not have many friends. Dr. Betty Osman, a pioneer in the field of learning disabilities wrote No One To Play With: The Social Side of Learning Disabilities. In it she discusses how important group socialization is for children's maturity. Your LD child needs your help finding group situations in which they can participate but it is not appropriate for you to expect your other children to be responsible for providing those group activities with their friends.

Your younger child has a reputation to overcome

Teacher's can't help but connect children to their older sibs when they begin a new school year. They hear a last name and ask if you are related to a child they already know. If you older child was a good student and well behaved the teacher will have a positive feeling towards your younger child. It's a nice way to start out. But if your older child wrecked havoc in her classroom she will probably take a 'wait and see' attitude about your younger one. Even if your ADD child left that school years ago, their reputation may still be hanging around. If teachers bring this up during your meeting with them make sure to refocus them on the child they now teach and don't bring the other child into the discussion at all. Comparisons are not necessary. You want each of your children seen as individuals and not judged against each other.

Make sure everyone gets your time and attention

It's so easy to give less time to the child who is causing fewer problems. But every child, no matter how self-sufficient, needs individual time with their parents. Make a conscious effort to spend at least some time alone with every child no matter how old they are. You don't want to miss the adventures of one child as they grow and change because you are so wrapped up in another. And you don't want them to feel you played favorites and they were ignored.

Having a learning disabled child affects everyone in the house. Making a special effort to pay attention to the needs of the other children in the house will decrease tension and fighting and keep you on a successful track as you parent all your children.

Betty Osman PhD, "No One To Play With:The Social Side of Learning Disabilities".