The Impact of Infidelity on Children

Infidelity not only impacts the married couple but also the children. To help understand what type of impact infidelity can have on children and what parents can do to help their children recover from the infidelity, I have interviewed therapist Michael Stiglitz, LMFT.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.
"I am a New York State licensed Marriage and Family therapist practicing individual, couples, and family therapy in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. I specialize and have had great success in working with couples struggling with communication, individuals coping with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and families with young children.

My goal as a therapist is to help put people in the driver's seat of their life. By collaboratively exploring the past and present we work to develop the self-understanding that will allow for change, development, and feeling more fulfilled. My approach is to respect one's essential dignity and to provide a safe environment by listening without judgment. My training is holistic and I draw from such theories as Narrative, CBT, Imago, Solution Oriented, and anything else that seems useful and constructive to the therapeutic process.

I recently launched a blog entitled, Dialogue to Understanding, ( www.dialoguetounderstanding.blogspot.com ) with the purpose of creating a place to ask questions and begin a dialogue about relationships and personal well being. I am very excited about facilitating and generating constructive dialogue about these matters close to all of our hearts and minds."

What type of impact does infidelity have on children?
"The ways infidelity impacts any particular family is as varied as the types of families. It is very difficult to speak generally about infidelity. Some factors to consider are: How was the infidelity carried out? What were the consequences of the infidelity on the marriage? Was there a divorce? Were the children holding secrets or serving as confidants?

The bottom line is what children perceive as 'normal,' for better or for worse, is what is modeled by their parents. Children's ideas about the roles of men and women in relationships are formed by their experience in the micro-culture that is their family.

Potentially the greatest damage to children is developing such global notions as, 'People cannot be trusted,' 'The world is an unsafe place,' and 'Relationships don't ever work out.'"

What can the parents do to help their child recover from the infidelity?
"To help my client's answer this question, I ask them to consider, 'What is the relationship you would want your child(ren) to have with their significant other as an adult?' This usually raises the standard from wherever the relationship has degenerated to as the result of infidelity. I then work with the parents to problem solve to move in their marital relationship in the direction of their ideal as defined by the relationship they would want for their children. In short the best thing parents can do for their children is to model listening, decency, respect, love, and understanding.

There is an infinite list of what not to do. That is, what parents must stop doing to help children recover from their parent's infidelity. At the top of that list is not using children to hold secrets from or carry messages between the parents. In other words, get the children out marital relationship and allow them to be children again.

In modeling healthy relationships and allowing children to be children by not pulling them into the marital relationship, a sense of safety and stability can be both observed and experienced."

What type of professional help is available for a child that is having a difficult time recovering from the infidelity?
"There are many psychotherapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists trained and experienced in supporting children to learn to cope with and recover from their parent's infidelity. Marriage and family therapists are particularly well equipped to help children and their families navigate this terrain because their training is relational and systemically oriented. Art therapists can also be highly effective in helping children develop awareness and a vocabulary to express their difficult and sometimes unconscious emotions.

When selecting a therapist for your child, family, or marriage, it is important that one have an opportunity to interview the professional to see if it is a good fit. Whether this interview is on the telephone or in their office, I recommend that you inform them of your situation and ask in what ways they will be able to assist you. From the interview you will most likely get a sense of their approach, professionalism, and style. At this point there is enough information to decide if the support the therapist provides is appropriate for your situation."

Thank you Michael for doing the interview on the impact of infidelity on children. For more information on Michael Stiglitz or his work you can check out his website on www.michaelstiglitz.com .

Recommended Readings:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5982314/how_to_deal_with_a_cheating_wife.html?cat=5">How to Deal with a Cheating Wife

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5687586/how_to_deal_with_a_cheating_husband.html?cat=5">How to Deal with a Cheating Husband

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5583600/how_to_heal_from_a_cheating_relationship.html?cat=72">How to Heal From a Cheating Relationship