The Impact Suicide Has on a Family

Some days things are really great, and the memories of that day in August don't haunt me. I can nearly forget about the sadness that envelopes my heart. For days I feel fine, and then without warning I am undone by the smallest detail or memory. My world is constantly turning upside down, while I run away from the pain and reality of it all.

When I was small, I lived with my grandparents on their farm. When my parents were not able to care for me, my grandparents stepped in and gave me a wonderful home, and a great life. Without their love who knows what would have become of me. I adored my grandpa, and I knew he adored me also.

The day before my 20th birthday, my normal life came to an end. My grandpa had shot himself that morning. My family was shocked, hurt, sad, and confused. we had no idea why he decided to commit suicide. I believe if he had known the effect his death would have on his family, he would still be alive.

My mother is angry, and she behaves like an angry teenager. My oldest uncle developed a serious alcohol problem. His wife left him, he then lost his house. My middle uncle admitted to living a lie, he is in fact a homosexual. My youngest uncle also divorced and gained nearly 300 pounds in nine years. My grandma has lost her sense of reality, and she won't leave her house, or get dressed. She is deteriorating mentally. As for what goes on inside of their minds, I don't know. The pain, anger, and loss are never discussed.

I am always busy, emotionally and physically. I don't want to be available for anyone. I don't want to talk about it, to make it real. My grandfather has been gone for nine years now. I refuse to really accept his suicide. In my mind he isn't dead. I know that I have a problem grieving. I just can't make it real.

When I am troubled, I have dreams of my grandfather, he never speaks to me, but I feel it is his way of reaching out to me, as if to say 'In your heart, I will always be here.' When I go into the house he died in, I am overcome with anxious feelings, sadness and anger. There are moments that for no reason, I lose composure just for a few seconds. The pain is still so fresh, and the unanswered questions eat at my soul. Could I have saved my grandpa as he saved me so many years ago.

I know that when such a tragedy occurs, it impacts every life touched by the deceased. It has been proven through several studies, that suicide ultimately destroys the lives of the survivors. People get divorced, abuse drugs, and go through personality changes. The emotional effects are even worse. I will always hide the scars from my grandpas suicide.