The Importance in a Parent's Role in Thier Child's Friendships

Actually, several important questions are involved here: Do parents have a right to tell teenagers whom they can associate with? At what age should parents stop trying to influence their child's selection of friends? Is it okay to choose friends for a five year old child but not for a twenty year old? What exactly do children become old enough to make their own choices?

First of all, each of us is affected by the people we associate with. Children, however, are often more influenced by their peers than by adults. Consequently, parents have a right to be interested in - and concerned about - their children's friends. At the same time, however, the right to affiliate with whomever we choose is a basic human freedom that must be respected.

Obviously there are some contradictions and tensions between these principles!

As a parent you have the right and the obligation to shape the social development of your children. This obligation includes value training, and an important part of value training is learning how to select friends. It is far better to teach your children at an early age how to select friends than to attempt to select their friends for them.

We are all attracted to people who can meet some of our needs. These needs include the basic need for social contact, the need to be loved and accepted, the need to be needed, the need to feel special and the need to be understood. Most of us, children and adults, move freely toward others who can meet one or more of these social and emotional needs.

Difficulties arise when these relationships are unbalanced - that is, when we find our children being exploited or improperly influenced. Some people take more than they give in a relationship. Others abuse our trust and exploit our generosity. It is important to teach your child to recognize when one of these negative encounters is taking place.

The most difficult relationships to sort out, for children as well as for adults, are seductive relationships. In a seductive relationship, the other person senses an important unmet need in us and offers, usually at a subliminal level, to meet that need in exchange for something that he or she wants. For children, this unmet need might be candy, toys or admission to a secret club. For teenagers it is often adventure, excitement, and access to a prized peer group, loving acceptance and especially a non judgmental listening ear.

The best antidote against peer exploitation is to ensure that your child's basic emotional needs are being met at home.

Your best course with teenagers is to openly discuss with them your concerns, including your goals for them. Tell them exactly why you are concerned about the kids they are associating with and encourage them to seriously consider these issues.