The Importance of Personal Boundaries Within Marriage

Dealing with a spouse who does not respect your boundaries can be a challenge. After all, marriage is all about togetherness. When you love someone, you want to spend time with that person. You want to demonstrate your love by listening and sharing special moments. The problem arises when you lose sight of your own wants and needs.

When your spouse is crossing your boundaries, it is because you are allowing it. It is up to you to set boundaries and let your spouse know what those boundaries are. Nothing good comes from giving of yourself to the point you are totally depleted. When this happens you are no good to anyone, especially yourself. You will feel tired, frustrated and angry. Everyone needs their own personal space in which to breathe.

In learning to set boundaries, the following are very important:

1) Learn to say NO. You must stop being a "yes" person. How many times have you said "yes" to your spouse at the same time you are thinking "Why won't he just leave me alone for five minutes?" Is it his fault you said "yes" when you wanted to say "no"? Of course not.

2) Do not fall into the guilt trap. Often when you get to the place you are able to say "no" to your spouse, your spouse will try and guilt you into changing your mind. You will hear statements beginning this way:

"You had rather read a book than spend time with me"
"Well, you'd think since we are married..."
"It's okay. I'll try and manage all alone somehow."
"Exercise class....again?"

3) Do not hesitate to let your spouse know of your boundaries. It demonstrates a love of self... NOT selfishness. There's a difference. Selfishness is when you are the one encroaching on another person's boundaries in order to meet your needs. Love of self is when you are setting healthy boundaries which enable you to be your best.

Sadly, there will always be people in your life who refuse to respect the boundaries you put in place. Sometimes, unfortunately, this may be your spouse. When this happens, it is probably best to totally remove yourself from the person. Such a person is toxic to you.

Learning to place boundaries in your life will make a huge difference in the way your spouse sees you. It will also make a huge difference in how your children see you. They will sense the respect you have for yourself, and this will set a good example for them. They will also have more respect for you.

When you learn to set boundaries with a spouse who is draining your energy, you will no longer feel as if all of your energy is being drained from your body, mind, and spirit. You will be healthier and happier...hopefully while keeping your marriage intact.

Kahil Gibran, the great philosopher and poet says in his book "The Prophet" to "let there be spaces in your togetherness." He also says of marriage:

"Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."