The Importance of Values and Standards in Marriage

"Marry your best friend!" That was the advice I gave my children when they were young. Of course, that your best friend was of the opposite sex and an active member of our church was implied. But why should anyone marry their best friend? The truth is that best friends forgive easily. They forgive one another for their imperfections, laugh at each other's jokes, and they like you even when you are sick or do something dumb. Why? Because that's how you treat your best friend. You love your best friend with total unconditional love, and that is the kind of love we hope to give and receive from our spouses.

As good as that advice was, I would now add more. Marry a friend who has not only the same religious beliefs but has the same values and standards. "Find-A-Mate" websites talk about deeper compatibility, and that has to do with relating on matters of values, ethics and standards. How can you tell if you are truly compatible? How can you avoid the shock of finding out that the person you love does not share your values and does not have the same ethical standards that you have? What do values and ethics have to do with anything? Sadly, church membership and attendance does not guarantee that two people share the same values.

I recently read that "… a recent poll reporting that nearly two in three adult Americans believe that ethics 'vary by situation' or that there is no 'unchanging ethical standard of right and wrong.' Elastic ethics, variable values. You don't have to be a genius to predict the result." (Anne Osborn Poelman, The Amulek Alternative: Exercising Agency in a World of Choice [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1997], 12) The disappointment that comes from discovering that your mate does not share your values and standards can lead to the loss of trust...which can destroy the ability to work together to overcome challenges.

So what values and standards should we look for in a mate? Can we discover if our friend has them before marriage? There are some very definable values that can be quantified and give you a good basis for evaluating a possible spouse.

1. Interest in spiritual matters: Do you both believe spiritual things should be important? Do you want someone who will discuss spiritual things with you and who will help lead a family spiritually by encouraging participation in family home evenings, attending church, reading the scriptures alone and as a family, accepting church callings, personal and family prayers, and participating in ordinances?

2. Sacrifice for the good of others and the family: Do you share the same need to serve in the church and community? Do you believe that putting others first is important? Do you share the desire to give of your time and talents to serve others? Will you support each other in your service?

3. Purity, fidelity and integrity: Do both of you believe that purity before marriage and total fidelity after marriage are essential, or is it ok to stretch sexual barriers because "we love each other and are planning to marry."

4. Honesty: Do you both feel it is essential to be honest and open in all of your dealings? Do you both feel that you should pay back things that you borrow; that if you find something of value that you should do your best to find the owner? Or do you believe in "finders keepers, losers weepers" or that "real life" requires compromises in honesty?

5. Family and children: Do you both want to bring children into this world, trusting that God will provide a way for you to rear them in righteousness? Do you trust the Lord to give you the number of children that is right for your family? Do you both believe that the extended family is important to lifetime and beyond goals, or do you avoid meeting the other's relatives because "they have nothing to do with us?"

6. Personal growth and development: Do you both want to keep growing throughout your life by continuing your education whether in church classes and meetings, personal study, or taking higher education classes? Will you be willing to support the other as they try new things to learn?

7. Happily ever after takes work: Do you both understand that few of us go through life without some nasty challenges? Ill health, physical trauma, mental trauma or disease may leave one or the other with challenges we cannot foresee. Are both of you willing to face those challenges together?

8. Money and thrift: Do you both believe that saving for a home or for missions for your children (and yourselves as a couple), for retirement or for personal family items is important? Do you pay tithing to your church? Do you believe that family goals deserve to be supported even when it is financially hard? Or do either of you feel that the needs of the moment outweigh the needs of the future?

9. Respect: Do you both share the need to respect the rights of the other? Do you treat one another with kindness, or do you pick and fuss at every little flaw? Do you praise one another in the hearing of others? Or do you make jokes at the expense of the other, teasing about how dumb, or silly the other is? Do you both understand how destructive, demeaning and completely unacceptable this kind of behavior is?

10. Compromise: Do you both understand that you each have the right to agree to disagree and that you do not have to be clones of one another to be happy together? Do you both understand and know how to apply the principles of compromise, of working things out in a way that lets both of you win?

Know what your own values and standards are. Then see if your possible mate shares them. Taking the time to discover the values and standards you do or do not share can save you from future disappointment. When you share the same or at least similar values and ethical standards, you may be more willing to work together to overcome the difficulties all marriages face.

Make sure that your differences are something you can live with. No one can change anyone else no matter how much they love them. We can only change ourselves. Love is not always enough. Friendship is not always enough. Compromise is not always enough. By understanding the values and standards you share before marriage, you can be more confident that you and your mate are deeply compatible. And you will more deeply understand your best friend.