The Incredible Lightness of Being (Someone Else).

How many times have you glanced , either wistfully, or disdainfully, at pictures of some really fancy hotel room, situated on a cliff jutting out into the sea, where the fixtures in the room are just SO, not a wrinkle out of place on the sofa covers/bedsheets etc, flowers in a carefully orchestrated careless array in something that resembles a pen stand, but is actually a vase , and a lady relaxing in a sunny balcony, totally oblivious to concerns about rising insurance premiums, flood insurance, saving for childrens educations , and other "boring" things ?

It has always been a running battle with my open dropping mouth and a consequent loss of words, whenever, I have had an opportunity to look at glossy tourism magazines, which , actually give a new opportunistic meaning to the phrase, "Virtual vacations" !.

(They better be virtual, what with hotel suites at $2100 a night ,(ONLY), free tropical fruit basket in the room, bottles of wine gratis (they better be, after all this), entry to the spa at subsidized rates, a David Hasselhof clone moolighting as the resident lifeguard, and complmentary trips downtown so you can have a look at FINE jewellery, gourmet foods (like I was just dying to eat snails; actually the snails are dying for me), designer clogs and what have you...)

Sometime in November, one's friends start talking about the approaching holiday season, the 7-8 days shutdown at work, and one of my secret urges has always been to say to someone, , "Oh, we'll be away this Christmas, visiting " some x/y/z island.....

Well, life is short, so are the vacations, and I am not likely to get out of this rut of doing the basement, repairing the driveway, worrying about childrens SAT's , the growing international fares , gas prices and other depressing stuff.

But technology has come to my aid. Yes, the cellphone !.

We were doing the washing up in the kitchen after a pre Christmas extended family gettogether , and I get this call from a colleague, who always talks about Paris like I talk about Sunnyvale and SanJose. Well , the guests had departed, there was all this glass tinkle sound in the background, with some music blaring from my son's room in the background, so dishcloth in hand, I muster up a very energetic voice, and say "Can you speak little louder, there is all this wonderful music going on?" And then I answer his obvious question with " We are in Mauritius, you know, in the Indian Ocean. There is an evening dance festival on, and we are enjoying it at our beachfront hotel..." (I take great pleasure in implying that i know the Indian Ocean set up like the back of my hand (currently exhibiting soapsuds); this friend has a thing about South America, and never tires talking about it.)

My young daughter rushes in about to launch into a "why me and not Billy" tirade , and I shush her as i simultaneously turn up the water tp in the sink. The last thing I need is question asked in ringing tones , about vacuuming the family room ....

Then there was the time I was returning from seeing some elderly sick relatives in the holiday season, where thoughts automatically turn with great fondness to those unable to enjoy the festivities with you. I am driving along, playing some sitar music in the car, lost in my thoughts , half my brain enjoying the music (I forget whether its the left or right brain), and half of it, worrying about when to schedule some expensive repair on my wife's car.......

I have a thing about not talking on the cell phone when I drive. So I get this call, I see who its from , and turn into this gas station to pick up some stuff as well. Its this call from my friend at the gym I go to 4 days a week for an exercise class. This guy is always out on treks and stuff in the holidays, and had recently started talking about places with European sounding names.

Music volume enhanced, I answer the call, excuse myself, utter some words in Hindi, so they are vaguely audible to my friend fom the gym. Turn up the sitar muisc, and say "Hold on , there, let me take this call outside, too many folks and too much music here. Came to see my folks in Delhi, we've just zipped over to the Himalayan foothills on a trek ! This is of course followed by some other regional music, and some more words in Hindi, presumably to someone who is on a trek with us, I pretend I am really there, and talk about some problem getting my return tickets confirmed, hopefully with the help of my frequent flier status .....

I can't tell you how interesting this has been.

No cost, lots of imagination, lots of presence of mind. And reading all those glossy travel magazines certainly allows me to practice pronouncing names in foreign languages. The accessories are all in house. The radio, my CD's the sound of flowing water, tinkling of glass, and occasional crash of plates, shouting at my son in Hindi .

Its not clear whether anyone is getting fooled or convinced. But its a nice thing to do for fun as the holidays start. It doesnt cost me a dime, the pockets do NOT get lighter, as they often do on real vacations, while the mind handles a tussle between saying YES to the childrens' demands, and the distinct possibility of having to reschedule some important repair work in the basement.

Ah well. Let me enjoy this incredible lightness of being someone I probably will never be, and virtually enjoying something I probably never will indulge in, unless I win a lottery somewhere., and the governement in its infinite wisdom , waives all the tax . (Despite the distinct possibility then of vacation time getting reorganised at work, layoffs, and other unhappy scenarios).

Hold on, will ya? The phone's ringing ...... China is probably a good idea this time ?