The Jealousy Factor

We've all experienced it at one time or another. Whether it was an extreme surge or a mild twinge of jealousy, we've all dealt with it at some point, and we all handle it differently as well. Some people are more jealous naturally than others, due to various factors including insecurity, lack of self-esteem, or having been deceived previously in a relationship, causing them to be more uptight and nervous. Certain individuals are not hesitant to express their feelings of jealousy, whereas others choose to conceal it, and you would never know. Jealousy isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's one way of proving how much you really care about a person. However, if jealousy is starting to interfere with your thoughts and the way you think, then it's time to attempt to "tame the demons" and find out where this source of jealousy is rooted from.

Most often, the more you care about a person, the more likely you are to get jealous. When a guy is casually dating several girls and doesn't hold a particular attachment to any of them, he's not going to care too much what they do when he's not with them. But if he has started to focus his efforts and attention on one girl in particular, he is going to start to become more concerned with what she's doing and who she's spending her time with when they're not together. And if you end up falling head over heels in love with a person, you may find yourself actually going crazy at the thought of them spending time with someone else of the opposite sex, and even the silliest things that shouldn't affect you start to stress you out.

Various things can make a person jealous: when the person they care for spends time (even platonic) with members of the opposite sex, nights out on the town with their friends, especially when they go to bars or strip joints, and being in a situation where flirting is part of the environment (dancing at a club, going to the beach). It's understandable that a guy would get jealous at the thought of other guys hitting on his girl or trying to dance up close to her at a party, but if the guy wants to keep his girl locked up in a room every night as to prevent other people from even looking at her, that's a bit extreme.

Jealousy is often caused by lack of trust or based off of previous negative experiences. If you find that you're in a relationship where you're constantly doubting the other person, it's time to re-evaluate. A relationship is supposed to enhance your life and bring you joy and pleasure. If all your relationship is bringing you is stress and negative emotions, it's not the right relationship for you. And if you find reason to doubt or question the other person, maybe they're not the one for you. After all, if someone is completely in love with you, you shouldn't have to worry about them. The love they have for you should be strong enough so that they can resist temptation when faced with it.

It's okay to feel jealous if your boyfriend hangs out with an ex-girlfriend or someone he used to have an attraction to or relations with. You're not out of line for feeling that way. Chances are he'd feel the same way about you hanging out with an ex-boyfriend. The "ex" factor is always a touchy subject in many relationships, and lots of people end up severing ties with exes in order to make their partners happy. However, if you are jealous about his relationship with his childhood best friend who is a girl, or any female friend of his (that he has only had a platonic relationship with,) you need to calm down. Obviously if he had wanted to date her, he would have. He's with you anyway, isn't he?

If you find yourself checking his entire call log history while he's in the shower, that's also a sign of out-of-control jealousy. Are you trying to find something wrong? How would you feel if he checked your calls? That's an invasion of privacy, and unless you share a phone plan and a mutual bill, you have no right to look at his call log. You're only going to end up stressing yourself out anyway. You'll see a call received from an unfamiliar area code, and you'll freak out about it, maybe instigate a fight with him, only to realize it was a wrong number, or a telemarketer. Was the fight worth it? Probably not. And if you have reasons to question his calls, maybe there's something else wrong with the relationship.

It's also alright to feel a slight twinge of jealousy if your boyfriend is going out with the boys for the night, but you shouldn't allow it to consume you. If you trust him enough, then you should let it go. Just examine your girl's nights out. How bad are they? If you find you're being a hypocrite, that's another sign that you should tone it down. If you find that you need to know exactly what your man is doing on a daily basis and if you find you're getting upset because he forgot to call you before he went out to run some afternoon errands, then you're being a bit over-the-top. It's no fun to have to check in with someone every other hour, and not everyone realizes this, but the less you ask and inquire, the more he'll want to tell you.

A lot of couples have several mutual agreements, such as promising not to get completely drunk at a bar or around an ex, which is reasonable, but If you start to set too many limits or ground rules, such as not being allowed to talk to members of the opposite sex when unaccompanied by your significant other, that's the beginning of an unhealthy relationship. That's a sign of instability and creates a weak base for a relationship, which is more likely to lead to a collapse in the relationship's overall structure.

Jealousy over the past is another common scenario, and while it makes sense, it is also extremely ridiculous. Getting upset over something that happened before you came into the equation is only going to cause you to tear your hair out. There's nothing that can be done about it, you can't go back in time and change events, so in all honesty, the best thing method is not asking so much about certain parts of the past. It's okay to know that your boyfriend had a serious girlfriend for two years, but you don't need to know what they did together, where they went and what he loved about her. It's only going to make you upset and it will affect the course of your relationship. While it's fine to know his general history and past, you don't need all the small details.

If you find that your jealousy is hard to handle, have a talk with your significant other. Have an honest heart-to-heart, and explain to them why you feel the way you do. Perhaps they can modify their behavior or explain something to you that will help put your mind at rest. By attempting to nip the problem in the bud, you're doing the relationship a large favor, because if you let a problem accumulate and build up, at some point it's going to explode. Therapy is another option, if you don't want to talk about it with your mate. Getting your feelings off your chest to a stranger can be a liberating feeling.

On a final note, don't be ashamed of your jealousy. By acknowledging it, you are one step closer to making the situation better. And remember, jealousy in small doses can be a good thing. If your boyfriend never got jealous about anything, I'll bet you'd feel like he didn't care about you. Of course, if he displayed too much jealousy, that would make you feel suffocated and trapped. Too much of something can be a bad thing, and not enough of something can also be a bad thing. It's all about finding a middle ground, and you'll find that the proper dosage of anything is just what the doctor prescribed.