The Jedi Have Only Themselves to Blame

I love the Star Wars films. I could do without Jar Jar in Episode 1 as I found him annoying, but I love the overall story of the six films. After a repeated viewing of Episode 2 last night on HBO I had an epiphany.

That poor Anakin Skywalker never had a chance!

First off, he gets a bum deal in life by growing up a slave on Tattooine. What's up with that? This place is so dry they have to build moisture farms to get running water. Can you imagine never going to the beach? Not only that, I have a problem with the whole slave thing. You're telling me that a kid that can build a talking robot can't take out a flying parrot? He should have took one look at Watto and had C3PO laser blast that flying turd to smithereens.

Along comes Qui-Gon-Jinn and says hey kid move away from here. Said Coruscant is the place you ought to be so they loaded up the ship and the kid leaves his family. What? Jinn is a freakin' JEDI! You're telling me he can't negotiate a deal to save Anakin's mom? No room at the inn at the Jedi Temple? They left the poor woman to die! If I were Anakin I'd have been pissed, too! I wouldn't have blamed the Tusken Raiders though, they were just being Tusken Raiders, blame the Jedi for that one!

What's wrong with these Jedi anyways? Not allowed to love? Where in the name of the Republic do the little Jedi come from? What about sex? Are they a bunch of monks? You're telling me after watching Padme Amidala reveal her midriff that every hotblooded male's light sabers didn't rise? Who could concentrate on the Force with a hottie like that running around? I found it amazing that there were female Jedi as well. Are they not allowed to reproduce? I would think that the Republic Human Rights Council (if there isn't one there should be) needed to take a closer look at these Jedi.

What did the Jedi think Anakin was going to do hooking him up on that mission with Padme? Did they expect him to walk around with a permanent case of Galactic Blue Balls? Plus she used to be a queen! That chick is loaded! Every K-Fed type in the galaxy was probably trying to hook that up! Can you blame poor blonde, good looking Anakin? Plus did you see the leather outfit she was wearing in that fireplace scene from Episode 2? You know Padme was a freak.

Poor Anakin has his wedding in secret! I mean the only attendees were C-3PO and R2D2. I doubt the poor guy even got a bachelor party! Can you see C-3PO planning something like that? Droid strippers? Talk about a turn-off! Padme didn't have any bridesmaids either. Don't these Jedi know the best thing about weddings is all of the single groomsmen trying to hook up with the hot bridesmaids? I bet Yoda could have even gotten laid if the Jedi had allowed this thing to be planned properly!

Anakin goes to Yoda and says he has had a vision of someone close to him dying. What does Yoda do? Tells him to let go of his emotional attachments! What?! He should have said look guy I can teach you how to communicate with her from now until eternity. Sex would be out of the question but since you're married you ought to be used to that. But no! He doesn't even give the guy an option! No wonder this Palpatine dude was able to exhort such influence on him. Plus he's more like the dad Anakin never had. Did any of these Jedi warm up to him that way? No, not even Obi-Wan. He kept saying Anakin was like his brother. He needed a Dad, fool. If you had taught him about chicks and things like that maybe you could have avoided all of this dark side stuff. This Mace Windu guy was even more ridiculous. He keeps going around telling everybody he doesn't trust Anakin. He couldn't trust none of you jerks either, Mace, even when he TRIED to come to the Jedi with his problems. That Mace guy would be better off chasing snakes somewhere!

Everyone knows the rest of the sad story, Anakin gets third degree burns all over his body all but ruining his Galactic pimpdom for all time and is now forced to pay for hookers from Jabba the Hutt. Because his cocktail wiener is now roasted, they have to be blind and deaf hookers on top of that. Have you ever had sex with a guy with those kind of breathing problems? It can't be too pleasant!

I know one thing, the Emperor isn't the only one I would have thrown down that reactor shaft!