The Joy of Rage: Volume One

Following the trail that God has blazed before me, I stepped head first into a cluster-f*** (and that, my friend, is putting it, oh, so very lightly). Being an enraged boyfriend of a girl that can typically be referred to has a slut, has been a daunting task. However, I hung in there. I really did. She didn't. The guys that she talks to were happy about that. Now, however, my fist feels the need for vengence and blood... and a little more vengence.

Punching things is therapy for me. It's always helped in times of great stress. Be it healthy or not, it calms me. When you punch something, like really hard, it takes the focus off of anything in your head. Where does it put that focus? Simple. Into a scream of pain somewhere along the lines of, "Oh s***! My fu**ing hand! Why God, why!?" To which, God may respond with some action in your life that makes you out to be quite a dumbass. Why? Because, you don't punch something and then ask God why. That's why.

Now, do you feel better? You should. Your life has just begun, my friend. The life of punching inanimate objects to dull the pain of the darkness that surely haunts your every waking moment has just begun. That girl that cheated on you? Punch a tree, you'll feel better. She cheated on you with your best friend? Punch a brick wall (and later, his face, and his d***. D*** punch!). Your boss riding your ass all day at work? Punch your car before you leave. Make sure he sees you and understands your hatred for him. Look him in the eye as you do it. Really signal it to him. He can't very well fire you for punching a property that you own, so it'll all be fine. Make sure all your fellow co workers know how often you punch things, as well. You'll be able to work in the comfort that comes from your peers fearing and respecting you, deeply.

Now, there's another problem. The potential scarring that will undoubtably occur after a couple of days of punching things. Your knuckles may crack, the bones will splinter and rebuild stronger and faster. Drink a lot of milk for this. Your knuckles may bleed, don't worry about it. It's only making you stronger. When asked about the scars on your knuckles respond with, "It was a mistake." Think for a moment before silently repeating, "A mistake..." And then walk away.

Drinking and punching things is not recommended. I know. Please, take heed and learn this from my mistakes. If you get into the habit of drinking and punching, there will be consequences. Expect to invest into some spackle, if you pick up the habit. So, it is recommended not to drink for the first two months of punching. Until you can safely control your new punching urge, stay away from mind-altering substances.

I've put together a safe list of things to punch, it will help you in your training and your heartache.

#5

Brick Walls

Alright, it's gonna have to be brick, if it's gonna be a wall. Why brick? It's highly unlikely you're going to punch a hole through it. Unless, say, you're a monk or the hulk. If you're a monk, you don't need this article, so I doubt you are a monk. If you're the hulk, you have more problems than I can help you with. I'm sorry, but Hulk, just leave this article now.

The advantage of brick walls is that you won't be punching them that much. It ends it pretty quickly, but you won't be able to focus on anything else but the throbbing of your knuckles. Which are probably bleeding now. 'Cause that's what happens when you punch a brick wall. Dumbass.

#4

Cows

Do you live near or on a farm? Probably not. But if you do, you know what is so thick and dumb, it doesn't even notice you're punching it? A f***ing cow. Seriously, just go off and punch the living hell out of these animals. They'll merely stare at you like you're an idiot. Don't be fooled though, you are no idiot. Cows are quite dumb. It's how they look at everything.

This can qualify as animal cruelty, so it's best not to resort to this. Though, if you have to punch something that's alive, these bastards will do. Don't be distracted if you see a small tear fall from their eye, it doesn't mean anything.

#3

Dirt

Literally, the ground is a nice thing to take your frustration out on. You walk on it occasionally and it's pretty much everywhere.

Dirt is a good thing to begin punching. It's soft so it won't hurt that bad and you won't have to worry about broken or bleeding knuckles. Also, not a soul is going to f*** with you after they see you get so pissed off randomly throughout the day, that you just punch the dirt beneath your feet. You gotta be one crazy mother fu**er to be this pissed off at the earth. But I wouln't blame you. We don't judge. We punch.

#2

Punching Bag

The normal thing to do would be to invest in a punching bag. You can hang it anywhere and people don't judge you if they see you punching it. You're supposed to punch it. It's a bag that is literally designed for your fist to rocket at it time and time again.

A great thing about a punching bag, is that you can set it up wherever you want in your home. The average bag is 80 or 100 pouns, depending on how badass you wanna be with it. 100 pounds isn't that hard to move for the average man with enough rage to punch things. So, I feel safe enough saying that a punching bag is quite portable.

Where do you hang it in your home, though? So many places... If you don't have a gym area of your home (my living room is my gym. Literally, a weight bench, bar, weights, and dumbells. It's a mess) just put it where you're most likely to have an outburst in your home. Like, say, if you're on a diet, next to your fridge would be a good area. "F*** these rice cakes!" you yell, just before hitting the bag.

#1

The Biggest Man You Can Find

This is not for beginners. This action should not be implemented unless you have years of rage and punching experience. Also, if you don't mind jail time.

Go to Wal Mart, the mall, a bar, the gym, anywhere you might find a big guy to punch. Walk in the door, take in your surroundings. Understand where you are and why you're there. All in all, you're there to punch Goliath in the face. Screw everyone and everything else.

You see him, don't you? That giant damn man. God didn't mean for us to get that big. Your will is iron as you walk toward him. Don't say a word to the man. Look him straight in the eyes, let him understand what you are about to do. And you, you understand what you're about to do. Give him a nod, just before you throw your fist deep into his cheek. You may even have to stand on your toes to do it, but you do it.

As you awake in the hosptal two days later, you curse me and this article. My friend, your training is complete. No longer do you even think of your cheating, theiving ex girlfriend. You'll come to thank me in time. You're welcome.