The Karate Kid Exposed!

The Karate Kid stars Ralph Macchio (My Cousin Vinny), Pat Morita (Happy Days), Elisabeth Shue (Hide and Seek), William Zabka (Just One of the Guys), Martin Kove (Rambo: First Blood Part II), and Randee Heller (Bulworth), and was directed by John G. Avildsen (Rocky). It's Rocky with teens and karate standing in for blue-collar Philadelphians and boxing. Daniel LaRusso (Macchio) and his mother (Heller) move from New Jersey to Southern California, where Daniel runs into trouble in the form of some martial arts trained high school bullies called the Cobra Kai, forcing him to turn to Mr. Miyagi (Morita), a karate master (and his apartment complex's maintenance technician) to train him to defend himself. The Karate Kid is a beloved cult classic from my youth, and so I'm probably biased in my belief that it is a perfectly realized underdog-overcoming-the-odds tale that delivers in every way and then some. To put it even simpler, The Karate Kid kicks butt. That being said, the film left more than a few burning questions unanswered...until now!

First up, why didn't Mr. Miyagi give a car to Daniel's mom? Think about it. Who needs a new car more, an unemployed teenager, who spends all day studying karate with his apartment complex's maintenance man, or a single, working mother, whose car needs to be pushed to start a lot of times? I mean, not only would Mr. Miyagi have been doing the right thing by giving the car he gave to Daniel to his mother instead, but, hey, she's single, he's single-you never know. It might've paved the way to true love, or, at least, a booty call or two. That being said, I'm pretty sure that in the world of amateur athletics, a coach giving one of his players or the mother of one of his players a car is some kind of rules violation. I'm just saying.

Second question, what did Mr. Miyagi really do to help Daniel heal so quickly for his showdown with Johnny (Zabka) in the tournament finals? After Sylvester Stallone allegedly being caught with performance enhancing drugs Down Under, this question had to be asked. I mean, he's Rocky, for God's sake. If even he has succumbed to the lure of the cream and the clear, then how can we realistically believe that some scrawny, uncoordinated, pansy could ever even win a match, let alone run the table, in a martial arts tournament? Are we to seriously buy that Mr. Miyagi magically massaged a leg that a doctor pronounced too hurt for Daniel to continue on in the competition back to health in a matter of minutes, or that maybe, even though we don't want to believe it, Mr. Miyagi's healing methods were less mystical and more B.A.L.C.O.?

To quote sports agent Drew Rosenhaus, next question. Why doesn't anyone call Ali (Shue) what she really is, a karate tournament groupie? Come on, what are the odds that someone ends up dating the winners of the last three (Johnny was the two time defending champion when Daniel dethroned him, remember) karate tournaments? There's something beneath that sweet "Ali with an I" façade, and it's not pretty, let me tell you. All you have to do is look to some of Elisabeth Shue's post-Karate Kid roles for the truth. Take The Karate Kid, Part II, for example. Sure, her character was only seen in clips from the first film, and mentioned once, but what an eye opening mention it was. If you haven't seen it, off screen her character leaves Daniel for a college football player on prom night. If that's not the action of a groupie, what is? Still not convinced? Let's look at Shue's Oscar nominated performance in Leaving Las Vegas. What is the occupation of her character in that film? Yeah, that's right, a prostitute, i.e., one who sells their affection for money. And what is a groupie, but one who sells their affection to be in the presence of fame? Your Honor, I rest my case.

Question number four, how did Mr. Miyagi make enough money to have such a nice house and so many nice cars? Maybe there is a logical explanation for why a maintenance man at a low income housing facility can afford to sit on a house and classic car collection, apparently, well beyond his means. *Cough* opium *Cough* Excuse me. It was all probably achieved through- *Cough* suppliers in Asia *Cough* Excuse me again. As I was saying, it was all probably achieved through good, honest, hard work. *Cough* check the bonsai trees *Cough* My, I just can't seem to shake this cough. I better take something, or I'll be up all night. Anyone have an opiate on them? Why, thank you, Mr. Miyagi. *Wink, wink*

Now, on with the final question, how would The Karate Kid turnout in reality? In real life, Ali would never have given Daniel the time of day, so Johnny and the Cobra Kai would've had no problem with him, and, furthermore, he probably would've joined them (and ended up dating one of Ali's less attractive friends), in order to become cooler and fit in more, and with friends like those, who needs to hang around with an elderly maintenance man? So, without the distraction of having to nursemaid Daniel through his revolving door of teenage turmoil, Mr. Miyagi would be able to focus more on his work, garnering him a raise, which would allow him to hire a young outcast (Charlie Sheen or Corey Haim, perhaps) to sand his deck, paint his house and fence, and wash his cars. In the process, they would become friends, and Mr. Miyagi would go on to train the youngster for the upcoming karate tournament, a tournament Mr. Miyagi's pupil would win by defeating Daniel LaRusso of the Cobra Kai in the championship match. The end.