The Key to Better Sex After Thirty Years of Marriage

As an authority on long term marriages I can tell you that there are many peaks and valleys when it comes to sex. My degree does not come from a university or community college but from the school of hard knocks. Many people marry at a young age and promise each other they will never let their love go cold. As my husband and I approach our thirtieth anniversary I have many years to reflect on. Some have been wonderful and some truly have been a challenge. Anyone who is married can relate I am sure. What has made a huge difference in rekindling romance has been coming through the challenges together. Rather than repeat the mistakes of the past by pulling in opposite directions when a crisis hits we now pull together. It would seem as though this would be an obvious way to achieve closeness in a marriage. However, for many couples it isn't. In our younger years there were so many cold nights spent apart due to neither one of us wanting to bend even an inch. Let's face it young people really are very dense. In the grand scheme of things does it really matter who changed more diapers on a Saturday? That's how petty quarrels can be. How silly it is to give up a comfy bed for a lumpy couch because you may have changed more poop diapers that day.

Alas, young people still have those raging hormones and can come together the Sunday after as though nothing ever happened. As the years go on bills, kids, in-laws, and old wounds sometimes take center stage. The couple becomes enmeshed in a much larger picture and can sometimes lose their way. Being intimate often takes a back seat and in some cases gets locked in the trunk for years. This is unfortunate but not a hopeless situation if there is still love there. I remember saying to my husband one day that I felt really lonely. He was shocked because we have a house full of people and I am never alone. Not even when I want to be, like when I am in the tub. I was able to explain to him that I needed him to talk to sometime. Just him and me talking about our day or about our hopes for the future. Being married for years does not mean you don't have any dreams left. His answer to me was very eye opening. He said, " you have to be friends with someone in order to feel safe enough to share hopes and dreams with them".

Well, did I walk into that one or what? We had weeks of conversation around that remark and some of it was very painful. It didn't occur to me that we might not be friends. That most of our conversations had revolved around our children's problems or rehashing when to put on those new gutters. How romantic is that? I learned to go back to the beginning and remember what I liked about my husband in the first place. I remembered he liked little notes on his car in the morning that said, "I'm thinking of you today". He remembered that it was important to me to know that he appreciated the dinner that I cooked. "Mmmmm, this is really good" always made me feel warm and fuzzy. So, little by little we became friends again. Holding hands in the car or just a smile brought all those feelings back.

The key to better sex after many years of marriage is to first become friends again if you are no longer lovers. Affection in small doses over time can become your love potion. He knows if he kisses the back of my neck I am gone! I know if I give him a back or foot rub with lotion his eyes will glaze over. One of the things I learned is that making eye contact when talking is very important. It tells the person that you are interested in what he has to say. Imagine going on a first date and while your date is talking you are checking your cell phone for messages or rummaging through your purse for lipstick. I don't think a second date would come anytime soon. You need to use the same rules of engagement long after you hang up that white dress.

If old wounds are dogging you let go of that leash! Your spouse cannot possibly feel warmth for you while you are wrapping that thing around his neck until he can't breath. Some issues can be resolved while others just have to be released. Everyone can cause their loved ones grief. If a particularly rough patch is holding you hostage right now try to see what part you own in it. Constantly needing to make your spouse pay for hurting you in the end may kill a relationship you are desperately trying to save. There is nothing like arguing over the same issue for five years while you are driving down the street. The only thing that can possibly be heard over the din is that lost love life kicking and wheezing it's last breath in the trunk. Pull over and unlock that thing before it is too late. Love and relationships need oxygen. Air out the old issues and then put them to bed for good. Just don't put them in your bed.